Don’t do this to her!

By   September 12, 2011
Scenario I: A popular local actor brutally beats up his wife, burns her with cigarettes, and threatens her with a loaded gun. She lodges a police complaint. The entire film fraternity gather around him, pressuring the wife to take back her complaint. She does retract her statement, but the police has already lodged a case. The National Commission for Women (NCW) also get into the act. The wife alleges an affair with another starlet as the reason for the souring of relations. The “elders” promise the wife that this incident will not repeat??? So, the film industry promptly bans the actress for 3 years without asking her for explanation! Amazing! Even if she is having an affair, how is she to blame for the physical abuse of the wife? There is no action taken against the main perpetrator — the actor. The wife is asked to reconcile with a man who has physically abused her other times in the past too. This typical feature of our culture for the women to hide and suffer in the name of family “izzat” is totally deplorable.

Scenario II: My maid discusses this event with me. She says that lots of fans had gathered in the support of the actor asking for his release. I was telling her how wrong it is to support a wife-beater no matter how big a celebrity he is. Her response to this shocks me. She says, it is actually the fault of the wife. She must know how to handle her husband’s rage. Men by nature do these things when angry; it is for the women to prevent this behavior. That is just great! I said how can you even say that. So, women are the ones responsible for physical abuse! When I quizzed her, she said very matter-of-fact that her husband used to beat her when drunk. But, by God’s grace, he has given up his drinking and does not beat her anymore. How very considerate of him! I could not discuss with her any further because I was seriously horrified. But, I did wonder what kind of morals she must have passed on to her married daughter.


For those who think that physical abuse of women happens only among the very rich or the very poor, according to United Nation Population Fund Report, around two-third of married Indian women are victims of domestic violence and as many as 70 percent of married women in India between the age of 15 and 49 are victims of beating, rape or forced sex. We all have heard of honor killings and dowry deaths, haven’t we? If so many women are suffering, definitely the educated, independent and well-healed among us are tolerating abuse as well. This is really worrying.


We definitely need a huge mindset change in this country, a shifting of blame from the woman to the perpetrator, deep condemnation of the action, family and societal support for the victim. This tribal culture needs to change. The solution is not in sending the hapless victim back to the abuser in the name of maintaining family name and honor. Who is to guarantee what the next fit of rage will bring forth? At the very least, advise counseling and definitely punishment for the abuser.

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Hi! I am a professional Content Writer and co-owner of a Technology startup, Tranquil Software Solutions Pvt. Ltd. I am a Major in Chemistry and MBA in Marketing Management from NMIMS, Mumbai. After having worked in Brand Management, I took a sabbatical when I had my kids. I did dabble in Teaching and Medical Transcription in my quest to balance my work-life after my kids. And finally I stumbled upon writing. Having started this blog in 2008, I ventured into professional content writing. And I continue to grow and work with some amazing people in the field of writing. This blog still continues to be a strong reflection of my thinking, opinions, perceptions and wisdom. I am mother to two bratty boys and a Labrador and loving wife to a wonderful man. I go the extra mile for friends and love a good conversation. Uncomplicated, I tend to open up easily to those close to me. I have lived around the world including the US and Europe. I don't have it all figured out, but I am enjoying the journey that is life!

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45 Comments on “Don’t do this to her!

  1. ಅಶ್ವಿನಿ/ Ashwini

    Your words are true. I feel there is a need to educate and bring an awareness to the youth of the rights they have to build a better world. But the case of actor and his wife you’ve mentioned has been taking all dramtaic turns possible. Its a personal problem and they have to sort it out where as here its kinda society and people making their family decisions. Ridiculous!

  2. ಅಶ್ವಿನಿ/ Ashwini

    Your words are true. I feel there is a need to educate and bring an awareness to the youth of the rights they have to build a better world. But the case of actor and his wife you’ve mentioned has been taking all dramtaic turns possible. Its a personal problem and they have to sort it out where as here its kinda society and people making their family decisions. Ridiculous!

  3. ಅಶ್ವಿನಿ/ Ashwini

    Your words are true. I feel there is a need to educate and bring an awareness to the youth of the rights they have to build a better world. But the case of actor and his wife you’ve mentioned has been taking all dramtaic turns possible. Its a personal problem and they have to sort it out where as here its kinda society and people making their family decisions. Ridiculous!

  4. ಅಶ್ವಿನಿ/ Ashwini

    Your words are true. I feel there is a need to educate and bring an awareness to the youth of the rights they have to build a better world. But the case of actor and his wife you’ve mentioned has been taking all dramtaic turns possible. Its a personal problem and they have to sort it out where as here its kinda society and people making their family decisions. Ridiculous!

  5. ಅಶ್ವಿನಿ/ Ashwini

    Your words are true. I feel there is a need to educate and bring an awareness to the youth of the rights they have to build a better world. But the case of actor and his wife you’ve mentioned has been taking all dramtaic turns possible. Its a personal problem and they have to sort it out where as here its kinda society and people making their family decisions. Ridiculous!

  6. ಅಶ್ವಿನಿ/ Ashwini

    Your words are true. I feel there is a need to educate and bring an awareness to the youth of the rights they have to build a better world. But the case of actor and his wife you’ve mentioned has been taking all dramtaic turns possible. Its a personal problem and they have to sort it out where as here its kinda society and people making their family decisions. Ridiculous!

  7. ಅಶ್ವಿನಿ/ Ashwini

    Your words are true. I feel there is a need to educate and bring an awareness to the youth of the rights they have to build a better world. But the case of actor and his wife you’ve mentioned has been taking all dramtaic turns possible. Its a personal problem and they have to sort it out where as here its kinda society and people making their family decisions. Ridiculous!

  8. ಅಶ್ವಿನಿ/ Ashwini

    Your words are true. I feel there is a need to educate and bring an awareness to the youth of the rights they have to build a better world. But the case of actor and his wife you’ve mentioned has been taking all dramtaic turns possible. Its a personal problem and they have to sort it out where as here its kinda society and people making their family decisions. Ridiculous!

  9. Insignia

    The actress is banned? Really! I have not heard anything outrageous as this. Thats the problem, such thoughts are implanted that it is alright for a man to abuse the lady of the house as his right and women have to tolerate. Its shocking

  10. cybernag.in

    Haven’t you heard? ‘Look, you made me mad and so i had to hit you. Why do you do it?’ the man asks the woman pathetically and she melts and swears not to do it anymore.

    Why do you need to go to cultural and societal roots? Take any run-of-the-mill M&B romance and you will have girls swooning over the male who exercises his ‘male’ powers over her.

    Bah!

  11. Bart

    Unbelievable. Cigarette burns, that’s torture.

    We can argue about this all day, but torture is still torture.

  12. Rachna

    @Renu Thank you.

    @Ashwini Yes, it is a family matter, and they need to find their own solutions. She really must not be forced into retracting statements, and he deserves to be punished for whatever he has done so far. Rest how they wish to proceed is up to them.

    @Insignia Exactly. People don’t even bat an eyelid when they hear about a wife getting a beating. She is supposed to put up with it like a sati savitri.

    @cybernag.in Really? I read many M&Bs and did not come across any assaults or physical hitting, but there are movies where they show such ridiculous behavior. Women fall for eve teasers and macho men almost assaulting them. We must object against such depiction. Even the serials are so regressive, it is disgusting.

  13. Rachna

    @Bart It is torture and cruelty. My heart goes out to all such women.

    @thevampirespeaks Everyone interferes in everyone’s affairs, what else can we say.

    @Jane Normally, my maid is a very inspiring woman, though poor she always stands up for her children. But, her conditioning caught up with her. It is very sad.

  14. rama

    It is really disgusting. And he has chosen the easy way out, faint before even stepping into the jail, and all of a sudden he has asthama, traces of jaundice, next he can even claim he has amenisia like Kalmadi and Yeddurappa. I wish the law was more strict and not let people get away by these kind of fake illnesses.
    Anyway we would never know what has really happened, but it is shameless of that fellow sitting in the hospital with his chamchas and producers planning their next move.
    All the disease, that they claim they have must, really befall on them in such a severe state, that they should neither die, nor should be able to live, only nature’s punishment is the best for them.

  15. Sujatha Sathya

    this was shameful the thing with Darshan. for all his “good human being” “sweet person” public persona this is what he really is. i can imagine why she must have retracted her statement. her life will be a living hell if she hadn’t. these film fraternity people & the nonsense fans would have ensured that. very sad that no one has understood what she must have gone through to actually come out & file a complaint. the innumerable times she must have already suffered! sad state & on top of that if someone says its her fault that gets my blood boiling

  16. Rachna

    @thevampirespeaks I agree. We cannot seem to come out of the culture of bending for the rich and famous. It is so disgusting.

    @rama It sickens me too to see that fans are clamoring to get him released, that the industry is standing up to support a wrongdoer and that he is being accommodated like a VIP. It is just a reflection on our society where the rich and the mighty really do get away with anything.

    @sujatha I agree. What can the poor woman do in the face of the clout of her husband? She is stuck in a miserable hell with a little kid too.

  17. NRIGirl

    So, where do we start? I guess it has to be taught to our children – to our sons that hitting of girls is the worst a boy/man can do; and to our daughters never to be submissive when it comes to violence. Education is key!

  18. Kunal

    The culture and mindset of the society needs to be addressed and changed…There are many things and acts which we try to hide and cover in the name of what society will think of us…What is society? It is us. If something is wrong…it is wrong…in any society…But, no body wants to take the first step forward.

  19. kavita

    Outrageous ! Though not aware who the concerned couple are(celebrity most probably) , I think this case has got lot to with hero-worshiping.A great example of how things can be manipulated in your favor if you are an influential person in India.

  20. Rachna

    @NRIGirl That’s where we should begin. As mothers, we must not tolerate abuse and also teach our children how wrong it is.

    @Kunal Completely agree. So many things are wrong and change must be in each one of us.

    @kavita That is a sickening aspect too — the VIP culture. All the influential people suddenly get sick to be hospitalized in five-star facilities. How sick is this system that just favors the influential so blatantly.

  21. Colleen

    What a deeply disturbing mindset these people who believe that abuse is the fault of the one being abused. It isn’t ever that simple and it is all too easy to judge from a safe distance. How horrifying indeed. And sad. Abuse happens in so many families and I am willing to bet that whether we know of it or not, the majority of us know women or children who live with it.
    It’s a very sobering thought. Yet if in the case you speak of, the public are backing this man up, when will this ever change? So sad but extremely well written and important post.

  22. Rachna

    @Colleen Thank you. It is really disturbing and especially that the powerful get away with just about anything.

    @Bikram I know. It is sickening how the powerful can do anything and get away.

  23. Tomz

    Yes..I agree with you. But sometimes you might find me in support of ur maid’s arguments, that a woman could deal her husband’s anger with affectionate behaviour..

  24. Destiny's child...

    Agree wholeheartedly. The attitude of a lot of women to such issues is horrifying. I guess your maid was just iterating what she has been hearing and seeing since childhood. Change can only happen when both men and women realize that there is a need for change.

  25. Harman

    I agree…its always a blame shifted to another person ..for no apparent reason Cuz..for the sake of name n honor of the family …and I think this lady should leave this person…who is actually a brute a devil…and nothing can calm him!
    she should make her own decision…not rely on others!

  26. Rachna

    @Tomz I agree that one needs to dissipate tensions in a crisis situation. But those that indulge in physical violence just can’t control their rage and will indulge in this behavior. It is an abuse of power by them over a hapless victim. Only by standing up to a beater can they expect to save some of their dignity.

    @Destiny’s child Yes, these age-old traditions and mindsets just keep percolating from generation to generation till some male or female takes a stand that says no to domestic violence.

    @Harman She really must seek help from counselors and her own relatives to guide her in this time of emotional trauma.

  27. rohini

    i kn..i watched this news on tv…and was shocked the at unreasonable act of the film indstry…koi kare aur koi aur bhare…..

  28. Rachna

    @rohini Hi! Where have you been? It is such a long time. So good to hear from you. Haan, koi kare aur koi bhare. But, it looks like the ban will be taken back now. At least that is something good.

  29. Vijay Menon

    The scenario II seriosuly sounds a bit weird.I mean it’s strange she supported the celeb in such a thing.

    And yes you’re absolutely right, we do need a change of mind set

  30. Jon

    Wife beating may be a sign of impotency or frustration manifested in a different way. Speaking about this incident, our south films potray woman as mere dolls….ni wonder the fans might have seen the actor as a hero

  31. Rachna

    @Vijay Yes, I was dumbfounded too that a woman would actually be okay that another is getting beaten and actually blames it on her.

    @Ramesh You are right!

    @rohini Especially the rich and the powerful.

    @Jon Yes, the actors have the screen images of heroes. But, what is the matter with people who know the incident yet choose to ignore that and support someone whose act is so terrible.

  32. IRFANUDDIN

    so sad to know about all this still going in our society, i personally feel society as a whole is responsible for this bcoz as you said that most of the people there were supporting the actor instead of giving some moral support to his wife….really it requires a lot to be done to change the mind set of the people.

  33. bbsearchingself

    The ban has been lifted now but I fail to understand what else do we need to do. I mean educated women to have mindsets like ur maid; so how and what to do? And why did the wife stay on after bearing up with physical assaults??

  34. Rachna

    @Irfan You are right. Society is responsible and also the immediate family of the victim who have to stand by her and ensure that she does not put up with any more abuse.

    @bbsearchingself I can think of a lot of reasons why the wife is putting up with it. She has a toddler son. Her husband is well connected. Generally, such people threaten to harm or take the child away. She might not have enough moral or financial support from her family and third, the pressure from the society to go back to her husband no matter what.

  35. Indian Home Maker

    Thankfully the ban has been revoked.

    Your maid’s argument is very common, most women are raised to believe that the victim (specially if they are weaker, less empowered, less wanted and less valued in the family and society) invites violence and sexual harassment and assaults on themselves, by not ‘handling the rage’ appropriately. :\

  36. Aathira

    That is completely crazy.

    In fact i did follow the actress banning and un-banning scenarios… positively stupid. And the whole wide-beater not even being questioned on the main issue is outrageous.

    His extramarital affair is the important issue… but not the fact that he has beaten up another human being! And as you say.. its always the other woman who is the problem creator.. not the roving eye of the husband!

  37. Bhagwad Jal Park

    Thank goodness the ban has been reversed. Stuff like this needs to slapped down as soon as it happens – like in this case.

    With regard to your maid, it is indeed shocking. Actually I feel the real problem is that people don’t take responsibility for their own actions in India.

    The man beating his wife was “provoked” – not his fault at all! A rapist (poor fellow) has no choice but to rape a woman who “incited him.”

    Parents who murder their children did it because their children “provoked” them – what were they to do (sob!)

    Goondas and thugs who vandalize paintings were likewise “provoked” by them and they had no choice but to turn into raving animals.

    We have a culture in India where people JUST don’t take responsibility for what they did. Instead of saying “I as an adult am responsible for what I do and can’t blame anyone else”, they say “What were we to do? Were were “provoked!”

    These guys harassing women in a train were “provoked” by their dress.

    Similarly, this guy dumped his girlfriend on Facebook – not the nicest thing to do. But when she committed suicide because of it, the police arrest him and want to jail him for seven years because it was HIS fault she committed suicide!

    We need to learn the concept of growing up and taking responsibility for what we do and not pushing the blame on to other people.

  38. Rachna

    @Indian Homemaker and aathira I totally agree with what you are saying. It is dismaying that their conditioning plays such a big role in their regressive thinking.

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