A classroom. There is an exam in progress. Teens are busy passing around chits with bits of information to cheat. They are also asking children seated around them for help. Some teachers see this behavior and turn a blind eye. There is one lone boy who does his work diligently writing away what he knows. He knows that the paper is lengthy, and he will have to push it to complete it. He has no time to look around at the circus that goes on. Oh yes, some of his classmates regularly rush to the toilet where some more chits are hidden. This was no big qualification or Board exam just a routine class exam, yet the urge to take the easy way out seems almost all pervasive.
Why study when you can cheat?
The child does not ask me anymore because since he was a tiny tot, I have always taught him the importance of honesty to himself. Cheating and getting instant gratification may work in the short term, indeed work quite well but is very harmful in the long term. Tomorrow, he may have no qualm in swindling or carrying out spams of very large proportions. Don’t you see the fallout of this easy cheating and dishonesty into the behavior of a lot of adults around us? I do.
Now, who is to blame? The parents who push their kids to climb high doing whatever it takes, an unscrupulous system that rewards dishonesty or the media and the society that worships the rich no matter how they got the wealth? Who?
Since I am talking about honesty, there is a very important facet of Honesty and that is practicing it with Compassion. How do we teach our children to practice honesty with compassion? How can they share their honest views, speak truthfully and yet be gentle and empathetic? It is difficult even for adults. I have noticed that when one is straightforward, it is often a fine line between being firm and being aggressive. I have crossed that line multiple times myself.
So, why is it important to practice honesty with Compassion? For one, tact is important in every aspect of life. It makes us human and helps us convey our pointe smartly enabling us to take people along. Being truthful should not equate to being blunt or being unmindful of others’ feelings. It is also important that we be kind and non-judgmental; situations and people have layers which are always not apparent. Hence, it is important to temper that honesty with some kindness. That is truly a tough balance to strike. I have come across very few people in my life who can practice honesty with Compassion.
Some go overboard with the honesty bit and feel it is an easy license to trample all in their path never pausing once or introspecting the consequences of their actions. And then there are others who can’t help but sugarcoat their opinion so much that it completely loses its meaning. Indeed, they often end up being completely dishonest. It neither helps them nor the other person.
Now, if you expected me to provide some gems of knowledge as to how to achieve this, I have none. I just wish to direct your thoughts towards being honest even when being mindful of others’ feelings.
We all tend to be carried away in these times of social media. We have no patience, no good old-fashioned etiquette or the sensibility to say things honestly without making another bristle. Every time you pull up someone, you send out that email, message or tell something to a person, pause for a second and see if you can articulate it better. It cuts out a lot of negativity that may take ages to repair.
Food for thought? I hope so.
I am writing for the #1000Speak on Compassion. The linky opens this 19th September and is open till 21st September. This month’s theme is Compassion but some of us are writing on Honesty in Compassion. Do join in if you can.
Do also join the 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion group on Facebook.
Beautiful post Rachna. So well put.
Compassion also means having empathy for people, and accepting them for who they are. We don’t know what circumstances shape their lives. This is what children on the autism spectrum have taught me. They love unconditionally, without judgement. Hence compassion comes easily to them, while it still is difficult for most of us to implement.
I wish you all the best.
Hi Kamini, Delighted to have you on my blog. So glad that you liked the post. And thank you for sharing your experience. It gives a new perspective to this topic.
Very beautifully said, Rachna. I believe in that saying, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. My guru also taught me the dictum, ‘You cannot always oblige, but you can always speak obligingly.’ I’ve found that to be a wonderful blessing in my daily interactions, both online and offline. It’s easy to be mean and candid but we must also think if what we are saying is truly helpful or just being right without keeping the other person in mind.
Like anything, being candid must strike a balance, as you’ve pointed out so well.
Thank you so much, Shy. I know I have done it many times myself. Sometimes the circumstances are such or the other person is out there to provoke or at other times we don’t really weigh our honest feedback. There are so many dimensions to this. But a good rule of thumb would be to avoid being blunt and hurtful. The balance is so tricky, I must admit.
Food for thought, as they say more than the message how you deliver the message is important.
And I see no reason why we can not practice to be more compassionate without diluting the strength and the importance of the message.
Yes, I see no reason why either. It’s just that we may not consider it important or feel that our opinion is too important to be heard at all costs. Thanks for reading, Prasad.
You have addressed 2 important things here Rachna – honesty and compassion. As Zig Ziglar said, integrity (or honesty) is to do things right even when no one is looking. It is essential we develop this trait in us rather then expecting it from others. Your sons will turn into wonderful men 🙂
You are right in implying that the ‘calling a spade a spade’ concept has been taken too far these days. People judge others easily under the pretext of being honest, but fail to accept the same treatment when it is dished out to them. Compassion will help us look beneath the surface, and also let us flush out the negativity of haters.
Thanks, Vishal. I hope they turn out to be good human beings. It is tough raising kids. You have to watch your own conduct at all times. 🙂
Yes, honest people often find it hard to stomach honesty from others. And then honesty which is hurtful and does not serve any purpose is useless. I must admit that I am not so compassionate especially if the other person has been nasty to me. But, yes, it is a good trait to try and inculcate — honesty with compassion. Thanks for reading!
Oh yes Rachna I do agree. There are many people who in the garb of being honest or blunt are the rudest people ever. That is the best way to ensure the other person shuts you off completely. The only purpose it serves is to annoy and antagonise. If you want a positive reaction you need to point out the truth with compassion. One more lesson I need to pass on to the kids!
Thanks, Tulika. I guess all of us will benefit from trying to imbibe this trait.
You have raised a very pertinent issue. There is an urgent need to curb this practice of cheating . I blame the teachers also .Their interest is also fulfilled, if the results are good. There are many good teachers who do not encourage cheating by the students.Sadly they are only in a small percentage.
Yes, Ushaji. I agree. I don’t know who to blame more — parents or teachers?
You touch upon a very relevant point Rachna…I don’t say I’m perfect and I do cross the line many a times….I guess being honest with compassion isn’t easy but that’s not to say one shouldn’t try…Sometimes honesty hurts people, the talks are blunt and pointed…But that happens when we get carried away with honesty leaving behind compassion which is equally important and must at all times accompany it…
Oh yeah, me too. Many times. But we are trying, right?
It is why kindness and compassion go together. 🙂 Being honest is the best policy, but expressing it kindly matters and often gets the message across more powerfully!
Love, Vidya
True that, Vidya. As someone who writes so compassionately, you are the best person to speak about this.
One way, possibly, is to see how it would impact you if you were at the receiving end of the message that you intend sending out. True, people come in all shades but, at least this way, you give out exactly what you expect to get yourself and, thus, can be true to yourself.
Yes, that is right, Suresh. I guess most often we don’t end up doing that.
Great Post.. Thanks for Sharing !
Ananya Fashions and More
Thanks, Ananya.
True. I have always believed honesty never hurts – but I have been at the receiving end of a boss whose “honesty” has been completely demoralizing me – so I have begun to learn better.
Also this copying at school board exams is a big menace. I was shocked when I saw teachers and even external invigilators were actively promoting this. Makes one doubt this whole education system.
Yes, honesty can demoralize. I have been on both sides of the fence too. Sometimes, it happens even without intending to do so.
A practical post on the need to be honest. The shocker was the school in Bihar when parents climbed up to pass notes. It was horrifying and makes me wonder how the capitalist system of rat race has made us fail. It really breaks the concept of equality and compassion.
I can quite imagine the parents in those visuals. I wonder how in one generation, values like honesty and integrity just got wiped out by greed. Thanks for reading, Vishal.
Rachna, I totally agree with you. This is something I have mulled over myself many times and given a lot of thought too. I wouldlike to publish a couple of posts in this theme… I will go join the group on Facebook. smile emoticon I have an older draft I would like to post and then continue with some of “newer” thoughts!:) This post of yours inspires me.
That is just great, Colleen. I look forward to reading you. Do join the FB group.
Honesty, integrity, sincerity, compassion are something that one needs to inculcate in self from the very beginning and it pays to be honest, even though it isnt appreciated all the time, now-a-days. One can be truthful and honest without being rude and cruel. Like they it’s not important what you say, but how you say it!
So true, Shilpa. It is a delicate balance to strive for.
Some food for thought seriously. But I beg to defer here. In reality and practicality, it is next to impossible to be honest and compassionate at the same time. If you want to stand with honesty all the time, you will end up being labeled as brutal/rude. well, it doesn’t harm to try it though.
I wouldn’t say next to impossible but hard certainly. I think it requires practice. Work on your tone and approach and you will see that you can even approach very ugly situations well. It is when we act on impulse and emotionally that we see the ugliest side of honesty.
Honesty with compassion is not that easily found. I was under the impression that only people in my real life gets brutal at times. But I have read too many posts in the blogging world these days, which was rather insensitive and quite brutal in the name of being honest, bold and being oneself! I am glad to read this post, Rachna. At least a few are thinking that bring brutally honest isn’t the way to go. Why do people see compassion as a sign of weakness, I don’t get it! Lovely post, Rachna. 🙂
Thanks, Vinitha, for sharing your experience. Honesty with compassion is such a fine balance to tread. Sometimes you falter even when your intentions are quite the opposite. Yes, I feel that compassion and kindness are often thought of as weaknesses. I don’t get it either. Thanks for reading and connecting with the post.
Yes, it is not always easy to balance the part about being honest and say it with compassion. Many times I have faltered on this, I’ll admit. Thankfully it hasn’t been that bad, and I have apologised and things have gotten back on track. But I sincerely try. That’s the best one can do, I suppose. I also like the part about pop culture/media worshipping the rich. This societal attitude could have disastrous consequences, I am afraid. A very good post, Rachna.
You know, one thing I have noticed is that many a times if you know for sure that you are the one who has been wronged, but you still don’t tell the other person honestly how they have wronged you (perhaps out of concern that the other person might be hurt), traces of anger or this feeling of being taken advantage of remains within you. And there may be many triggers to bring back that feeling of being wronged, being taken advantage of. Sometimes if you are convinced that you are in the right, it is better to say your piece – as calmly as possible and without any emotional drama. It could be initially hurtful to the other person (as being told of one’s mistakes can often be), but at least there is a slight possibility that both parties may eventually get over things and move beyond the situation. Just a thought that came to me as I thought more about what you say here about this fine art of balancing being honest with oneself and having compassion for the other.
What a lovely comment, Beloo. Agree with all that you have shared here. Yes, there are times when honesty hurts even when you have tried your level best to be prudent. And what you said about letting the other person know is true too. Sadly, I fail at this many times unless I am really close to that person. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
We need to catch them young and tell them the importance of these values, more so demonstrate it and make them understand rather than just asking them to take our word for it. And yes, honesty with compassion is also equally important, so that we dont end up hurting others in the process. It’s more of maintaining a balance and is entirely subjective!
Yes, absolutely. Honesty with Compassion is tough because somewhere when you are being absolutely honest, you are bound to ruffle a few feathers even when you don’t wish to do so.
I don’t understand the desperate need to do so well on a test that someone would go through all the trouble to cheat. Do we need to succeed, at any cost, that bad?
I know the battle between being honest while still remaining compassionate. It is tricky but can be done. I just don’t understand the phrase, “being brutally honest”. Why would you want to be brutally anything? Brutal is not a nice word.
Food for thought indeed.
Me neither, Kerry. I guess the students are either taking the easy way out or somehow being pressured to go crazy even for a simple exam.
Yes, brutal anything is actually bad. But, you know sometimes with our loved ones we have to be really honest and it may cause hurt. But then I believe that if I don’t tell my loved ones what I see honestly even if it ends up hurting them, then I will fail them. It is indeed a delicate balance. Thanks for reading, Kerry.
Hmmm., Honesty should pay off. To me the teachers and school system should Never turn the blind eye.. Ever. They need to set the standard.
Beautiful post. Honesty without compassion is truly brutal and its an art to find the fine balance.
Sorry it took so long for me to get here! 😀
This is something that I work on with my kids, especially my older son who is Raja Harishchandra!! I ask him to use the dictum, “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything”!