It is just so painful these days especially with my younger son. For my elder son, I started him on self study from a younger age. I think by 3rd or 4th grade he had begun not only doing his home work and assignments by himself but also got into the habit of studying for his assessments on his own. My younger son is another story altogether.
Being slightly younger than other children in his class, the initial few years in the kindergarten were tough. He and I went through some harrowing times before the husband and I decided to make him repeat a class. That eased off the burden a bit. He adjusted beautifully to this tough change. His approach to learning changed substantially. He was happier with the curriculum and could pick up things on his own.
Though, he manages to do most of his homework assignments himself with some help from me, I find it very hard to make him self study otherwise. I don’t mind explaining or sitting with him but I hate spoon feeding. I want him to inculcate the habit of disciplined studying, of being able to study himself adequately to take his exams. Currently, he drives me nuts. Just the process of making him sit down to study is painful. And then he expects me to question him after he has learned. He is in 3rd grade now. With 4 FAs and 2 SAs in a year, this is truly taxing for me. Also, it makes him unduly dependent on me. Currently we spend hours to go through a few chapters as he keep dilly dallying and procrastinating taking undue breaks.
Here I must interject that I am the only parent in the house who teaches the kids clearly because I am supposed to be patient and calm. Both of those qualities I am running woefully short on today. Since I can’t look for any help at home and I hate sending out my kids for tuitions, I am wondering if there is a phased/focused approach in which I can slowly edge him into taking onus for his studies. Am I being unrealistic in expecting him to study on his own at 9 years?
I also feel more frustrated because personally I was very methodical with my own studies and my work now. I plan well. And he is an exact opposite. And also because in my home, my parents never taught us. They never even bothered when our tests/exams were. We all self studied.
As he has tests one after another starting from tomorrow, I am bracing myself for a tough week ahead. The only saving grace is that his toughest paper, Hindi, is tomorrow. We can collectively heave a sigh of relief after that. But for now, my Sunday seems quite packed… with Hindi and yelling.
Do you have any tips for me? How do you teach your kids?
That’s really a tough spot to be in and I can understand how frustrating it would be. I am inexperienced in this area and have no helpful advice. 🙁 But hang in there, Rachna. I am sure he will outgrow this phase very soon.
Yes, that is the best strategy with all phases in parenting. They will eventually outgrow the phase. Thanks, DC.
Its tough Rachna. For me its reverse. The younger one studies on his own while the elder one doesn’t though I have tried a lot, as I used to not be at home all the time.
One thing I do now is make him read while I check on him every few minutes and check the progress. Another way is to set a target of 1 chapter in an hour. But still checking twice in between to see how much progress is done. Third and final resort, I make him sit beside me and tell him to read aloud while I can continue my work.
Its tedious and loads of patience needed. No point comparing with other kid or even with ourselves. Some are just like that.
Good tips there, Lata. I am around and keep waiting for him to complete his studying. But he will not sit down and get distracted by this or that. I am not comparing him just stating facts. 🙂 Yes, a lot of patience is needed but sometimes it get a bit too much.
I was on self study from class 2nd or 3rd itself. My mother thought I would be better off myself because she was not very well educated. I don’t think she did anything special – it just comes from within. We, me and my brother, were just good kids!! My MIL says my mom was lucky because my husband was a nightmare as a child!!
Me too, Nisha. By 2nd class I was studying myself. hehe That was a fun nugget about your husband. To be fair, he is a good kid just exasperating in this aspect. He has said that by this year end he will try studying himself. Let’s see.
Hey Rachna. Sailing in the same boat here! My daughter my elder one was/is more into self study from early on. The younger one my son, is in the 8th grade and still playing truant! Aggravating to say the least! He self-studies but has to be goaded first to do it, then further to do it for longer than 10mins at a stretch, and finally when he can take it no longer, he insists he studies much faster the day before the exam…kinda like adrenaline rush due to fear factor I guess. So no successful tips I can suggest except to have patience! Overall my observation is that boys take longer to take seriously to studies but eventually they get more diligent ! Cheers and best of luck to both of you for the FAs 🙂
Thanks, Kala. 🙂 I am hoping that he starts studying on his own sooner than later. I am bracing myself with more patience in the interim.
I don’t have any practical exp yet, but guess some kids take time…
I was too naughty back in his age, people would watch my academic report meetings with keen-ness!
You boys gave a tough time to your moms. 🙂 Yes, I think he will get better as time passes. I just have to dig deep for some patience.
Sooo following the comments here. I go crazy with both of mine specially because one is always reluctant to sit to study and does absolutely nothing on her own. Sometimes I ask her to study aloud, if it’s something like spellings or a chapter of social science, while I sit with her without actively helping her. I am hoping that’s a tiny step forward.
I am always around when he is studying. I patiently wait for him to finish studying so that I can ask/make him write but he will just fritter away the time till the last moment. And despite myself I end up losing my temper. It is just so frustrating.
Okay, my son is similar and he’s also very distracted. So I knew that what works with all other kids may not work with him. Given a chance, he would be doing other things.It doesnt 2 mins for him to engage in some flights of fancy.Finally, before his last exam, I accepted that. I let him study 1 or 2 subjects which I knew he could manage. Remaining I asked him to study and asked him questions at random. Maths, I still cant leave him. I am sure the process will be slow with him, but well he is who he is. And I am glad, that I see light at the end of the tunnel 🙂 in managing my own expectations.
Maths and languages, I have to sit and do with him. EVS he can handle studying by himself. Computers again I need to ask. I don’t mind this. What gets my goat is how he will dilly dally till the last minute and keep running away and doing something else. It just gets too much at times. I don’t know if it is about expectations or sanity sometimes. 🙂
I’m not a parent and so can’t offer any advice – but CAN offer encouragement. Hang in there! 🙂
Thanks, Laurel.
What a coincidence Rachna. I have just written something that you might find helpful. There is no denying that it is tough. Heck, I don’t have kids and still cringe when I read some of your posts.
Good luck 🙂
Thanks, Vishal. Useful inputs in your post. Let’s just say it is going to be a crazy week this. 🙂
Rachna, you’re in a much better position. To make me study in my childhood, my elder cousins had to conceive a play in which I had a role to study. And I loved playing a role of studious kid in a drama and study in it but not outside the play, in my real life.
Gosh, Ravish. This makes me feel better. 🙂
Welcome to my world 😉
Jokes apart though, it is quite challenging, I agree. In Gy’s case what I have found to work is the following. Bear in mind that some days, none of this works 😛
1. Set a fixed time for study daily. I usually do this after classes and before dinner, so she is reasonably relaxed and can concentrate.
2. I try to just sit around and be available in the same room. I refrain from helping her unless she specifically asks me for it. Even then I coax her to arrive at the answer herself, saying it’s fine even if she is wrong.
3. She’s very distracted usually, so I keep all external distractions away when studying- my phone, laptop, TV all in off mode. At most, I sit with a book in hand or work on my to-do list in my diary.
Having said all this, I think each kid blossoms differently where studies are concerned. I was very lax until I reached 8th standard and changed schools as well. My sister however was the go-getter right from the beginning. She would always work hard. That ethic came much later for me and still stands me in good stead today. So, don’t worry too much. He will pick it up gradually 🙂
Good pointers all, Shy. Will give them a try. Yes, I am sure he will get better with time. It’s just that some days are so difficult.
in my childhood I feel so boring and i cant keep studying for a long time. I’m seriously looking for a way to motivate myself to study. I always found myself stuck halfway through my Geography notes with my mind completely blank.
Thanks.
Very inexperienced in this department Rachna…I’m sure you’ll find a way and then I’ll learn from you 🙂 my mom faced issues with my younger sister…don’t worry every kid is diff & the FAs will be over soon
Yep, there are 4 of them in a year. I don’t know if I can take solace in these getting over soon. 🙂
Oh come on give the little one a break..
Ok ok don’t kill me now. .He he he..i guess by now the hindi paper has gone .. so how did it go..
I am sure he did good and my best wishes to the young man..
When it came to studies my dad was a Hitler. . But I did most of my schooling in hostel so we had out own rules..so I got used to the idea of self study..
He says it went well. Baad mein pata chalega. 🙂 Yep, he will pick it up slowly I guess.
I guess every child has a way of studying. I was the one who had to be motivated for studies a lot. On the other hand my younger brother was the one who took care of everything ever since he is in school. What I personally feel give him some time. I know it at times gets on nerves but you cannot force a free will 🙂 Kudos to your good and patient work
Thanks, Datta. Yes, I guess the kids always balance out each other. Of course, more time to him. I am trying to get him to study regularly so that tests don’t feel formidable.
My elder sister sitting with me is what helped! She was not someone I could ever be scared of asking doubts or expressing my boredom. There was an understanding that the parents or teachers couldn’t match. Worked for me 🙂
Hope the exams went fine… 🙂 Good luck!
Yes, the three of us used to study together too. But these two boys, they bicker so much that in the same room they end up finding trivial reasons to fight. Hence I generally keep them in separate rooms. Thanks, Prajakta. 🙂
I dont have an experience but I think all children are different, try to see what really interests him and then motivate him towards self study, great article…hope the problem gets solved soon.
Thanks, Shweta. Yes, talking to him and explaining. Let’s see how it goes.
my kids write and practise, so I don’t ask them questions…I used to prepare a ques paper for them and they’d write it and leave it for me to correct. After std 3, the elder one sets his own paper, I just correct it. so thats one job less, the younger one is still in Std 1 so the hand holding continues…
For Hindi, English and Maths they write and practise. I normally write down the questions when he is done studying. But he takes ages to finish his studying. Let’s see if the younger one does the same after 3rd standard.
I guess, commitment to study on your own with focus and without procrastination and wasting time etc comes from within. It does come sooner or later! So hang in there with patience and calm that you have in abundance 🙂
Ah Shilpa. Thank you for those comforting words. It does come from within and I wonder by habit when it will come.
Can’t say much on this, but I think each child is different. He will learn with age. Just maintain a schedule.
Yep, patience that he will come into his own I guess.
First, I started wondering if I was a self student or not….yaad nahi aa raha hai yaar…one thing is sure. I was not methodical like you…LOL…tho hamare bache kaise paida honge? Hamare jaise hi na…..as mom, so kids..:P
If you are frustrated for one, mera kya khayal hoga? I have two. I always would think, if the older one is responsible the younger ones will automatically follow their foot prints…but many times, it is not like that.
For R, we have to remind him if he has homework or not and if he did it or not. We can only make sure he does the hw, right? Can you ensure if he submits what he did? We got a complaint that he doesn’t turn it in and we were shocked…Ammu is a tad bit better than him but more or less the same story. 🙁 Sorry, no tricks to help you here. I came running to read this post as I was thinking you offered some tips 😀
Read Zephyr’s comment. The sanest tips.
Prudhvi, tell the teachers that they have your full support to hold them accountable and tell the kids that you said so! I found that really helped and the teachers were happy that we were on the same page as them!
you could try what I did with my younger one who was the exact opposite of the older one and so like Gautam is! I used to make sure that he understood his lessons, especially maths and science and once that was out of the way, just left him to his own devices. His teachers complained that he was intelligent but was not working to his potential and I just smiled and commiserated with them. As long as he cleared 50% I was ok. I knew he wouldn’t fail. By making such reluctant learners follow a schedule and pattern, they sometimes begin hating studies altogether. So I avoided it all costs. I didn’t blink when his notebooks came back with red marks. It made him shape up himself. I knew he was intelligent and that one day he would become interested in studies. It is tough, but that is the only way. So tell him that you trust him to study by himself and do his BEST. Give him time — maybe one or two test series. I am sure he will become more responsible and will want to prove that his best is better than you expect! Not that this worked with mine, but I was patient, waited for him to come to his own potential. And he did — in the 9th standard 🙂 Gautam is just 9, give him a break dear.
And no, I am not taking it lightly, but telling you that it will work out best for both of you to cut him a little slack while telling him that you trust him. And tell me how it goes, will ya?
Okay done! I will tell you how it goes. Thanks for this.
I really like this approach and am currently using it for the older one! He got an A minus in Math (his favorite subject) and he went beserk! LOL!! He also could not understand why WE didn’t go beserk!!
Same here; in the sense that the older one is self-sufficient while the younger one does his own homework with a little bit of input from me. The saving grace for me is that there are really no final exams in elementary school. There are weekly small tests and then a slightly more comprehensive test once a month, but he doesn’t have to study for that; it’s all basic concepts that he should have imbibed already.
I totally self-studied too, so I get your frustration!
Well, I followed Zephyr’s advice and let him handle the remaining subjects himself. I know he will get lesser grades than if I had coached him but I know that his concepts are sound so I am okay if he underperforms. But Hindi is a subject where both of us get immensely frustrated. We have agreed to sit and do regular reading henceforth. Thanks for understanding me!