Yes, you heard right! Please don’t have kids if you have no time for them.
It saddens me when
- A little child is sent unescorted to catch a bus at the bus stop where the child indulges in all kinds of pranks including running in front of moving cars or dangling from dangerous places.
- A sick child is sent to school because no one is at home to take care.
- Small children play unsupervised near manholes, electric poles or poke their fingers in the eyes of a stray animal, likely to attack them back in all probability.
- Bullying kids pull up other kids, many times beating them or abusing them and then become meek and lying children when they are pulled up in front of their parents.
- When a child sits for hours in front of television, numerous gadgets, videogames because who listens to the babysitter or the grandparent. The disciplinarian is missing.
- When a child is pushed to follow a rigorous schedule immediately after coming back home from school read tuitions, numerous classes (the child might be too tired or not even interested in taking them) because they have to be “occupied” till the time parents can come home.
A child is a responsibility of its parents. There are studies to prove that the molding of a child’s character, eating habits, morals, behavior etc. happens in early childhood. As adults, many are fighting off dysfunctional traits as a result of bad habits inculcated during childhood.
Life is not easy! In homes with both parents working and a nuclear family setup, a child often becomes a liability more often. One good thing about progress is that most of us with privileges have the option not to have children. Please have children if you can devote time, attention and energy to them. Children always need time, not only when they are babies, toddlers, big kids, pre-teens, teens or young adults but always! Their needs change but their requirements from their parents of time, attention and energy stays. So know what you are getting into when you plan kids. Money comes way down in the list of things a child needs. Don’t think it will make up for all else that the child is losing in the bargain!
Image courtesy: Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
A very thoughtful and relevant post. Because of the nuclear family set up, parents are unable to spend as much time is optimum for the kids. For a working woman, the only option is to spend quality time and to balance work and family.
very true, i agree….
there are instances in the society where child got into wrong habbits just bcoz their parents were not there to help them learn good habits n acts and even sometimes children got trapped in mental disorder just bcoz of the loneliness into their life as their parents were busy earning money to give good n comfortable life to their kids but unfortunately it went wrong way……
Bravo Rachna! That was a bold statement and the most appropriate one in the circumstances. But I have another side to it too — when the parents (read mostly mothers) are available to the children they still can be neglected or get into wrong habits or company, if they parent is not committed enough or spoils them or even neglects them. Yes, it is possible to neglect a child even when you are there, if you spend too much time going out, watching TV or gossiping, leaving the child to do what he or she wants.
The bottomline is commitment. And when that is there, the other things are taken care of.
Bravo Rachna! That was a bold statement and the most appropriate one in the circumstances. But I have another side to it too — when the parents (read mostly mothers) are available to the children they still can be neglected or get into wrong habits or company, if they parent is not committed enough or spoils them or even neglects them. Yes, it is possible to neglect a child even when you are there, if you spend too much time going out, watching TV or gossiping, leaving the child to do what he or she wants.
The bottomline is commitment. And when that is there, the other things are taken care of.
That was a bold and true statement! I agree with you ON EVERY WORD! Very Very Very thought provoking post!!
@Aabha Thank you Aabha. You are right. Balancing is the key, and a working woman needs to know the dangers that are lingering around especially with young kids. It would help that along with quality time, there is a reliable adult around to supervise the babysitter or the unattended kids.
@Irfan Can’t agree more! We are reading so many instances of teenagers committing suicide. Is it because parents are instinctively not able to pick up signals that the child is in distress, needs help, support or at least some attention. Very often it happens because the parents are so busy with their own things not necessarily only work but other preoccupations.
@Cybernag Yes, you are absolutely right! There are the unfortunate cases of kids going wrong even with the best of parents. And, I agree that it is not necessary that mothers who are home are doing more for their kids. As you pointed out, and as I have seen among so many mothers around me(most of them stay-at-home ones), they are busy with their chai parties, yoga classes, gossiping, browsing the net, watching TV and other things but have no time for their kids. They can’t even teach their kids and send them to tuition teachers, some of them as young as in 1st standard! It is beyond me. The same lack of commitment shows in their own health and nutrition planning at home. I agree that commitment can help you plan everything in your life around the most important priorities. Why are so many of us faltering here? Why is raising good kids getting so pushed down the priority ladder?
Hi Rachna,
You have been nominated for the Christmas Blogging Award.
Take a look :
http://www.smilewidabha.com/2011/12/christmas-blogging-award.html
@Sahana Thank you so much! I don’t intend to pull down my peers. I just wish that our priority still stays our kids or else it is unfair to bring them into the world.
@Aabha Hey thanks, aabha! I am so honored to have received this award from you. Thanks a ton! I will surely be doing the tag as mentioned.
Rachna, I hear you. I have seen a lot of sad things myself working in a daycare…children who would tell me with tears in their eyes they were sick all night or had thrown up in the car on the way…:( (I worked with two and three year olds…) *shakes head*
Well said,Rachna
this is true & sad. the poor kids suffer for no fault of theirs & money really cant take the place of time
Nice post…but yet another side is…when parents are over possessive for their children and not allowing them to do anything on their own. I have seen families where kids have not grown up even at the time of marriage where spouse is also chosen by the parents and now taken care by the parents only without any responsibilities thrown on them. Another example is my son’s friend who is now in 9th std but still parents are dropping him to school which is just at walking distance. Hopeless….better be indulge in some other activities than always running behind your children or keeping an eye on them all the times even after their marriage…
Indeed!
@Colleen That’s so sad! I can quite understand what you are saying and what you must have experienced.
@KP thank you
@Sujatha Yes, that is right.
@manika Yes, that is another aspect of it. But, I am only talking about the lack of time and responsibility that parents exhibit. Keeping an eye on the child does not mean spying on the kids. But, in today’s times when kids are smart and technology has made many things dangerous, kids are liable to fall into wrong company or do wrong things. A parent must be in tune with what the child is doing, feeling and experiencing. And most importantly let the child know that he/she can communicate freely. If a child is scared of its parent can you imagine how dangerous that situation is? Overpossessive parents are bad too like those heaping their own ambitions or pressures on their children or those who are too controlling and not letting their kids grow to their potential or those who are very nosy. Once adults, parents should play the role of a friend, from a distance, definitely not taking their decisions or interfering in their lives. So, parents really do impact the lives of their kids in a big way. Yet, many of them take this responsibility very lightly is what I meant.
@NRIGirl :).
I agree I can honestly say I wish my mom spent at least 30 mins on me each day growing up rather than having the nanny do it
OH NO.. I hate those parents who do that .. simple rule and I have no qualms saying it in at their face …
DOnt have kids if you cant look after them.. here in uk its become a TREND you want some more money have a kid and go on DOLE.. anything else have another kid and a baby is born just so to have more money what happenes to thme no one bothers ..
ANd good you put the post .. I hope parents learn now
Bikram’s
true…a thoughtful post
Agree ..very thoughtful..
kids r our own responsibility and it never ends!
usually kids who have all luxuries ..end up growing is spoiled atmosphere and indulge into wrong habits..
sometimes Even parents who are also very strict n keep kids on leach ..end up making their kids … “dual personalities”..(I have seen that)
it has to balanced …
“BUT NEVER IGNORE KIDS”
Do you know why has the situation like this has arisen?
Its our own doing.
Gradually, joint family system has broken down.
Instead of 4-5 kids, now we have only 2.
Girls–and rightly so–are wanting to get economically independent.
We have become a bit too westernised in our thoughts and process of upbringing
god i can’t believe some parents would do that… so sad.
@Emmy Oh, I don’t know what to say. I wish she had.
@Bikram Imagine having kids for money. That’s absurd.
@Harman True! Some parents are too controlling while others are too lax. Either way, they end up messing up with the child’s personality. Balance is important and time too especially with kids.
@BKChowla Definitely, it has happened due to change. But, joint family system breaking down has a lot of reasons. The good parts of having a large family to provide loads of affection and values to all kids is sorely missed. But, there were other issues with the system too. And, you forgot to mention the independence that elders desire these days. These days elders wish to stay separately for the sake of their own freedom. And, I think that it is unfair to expect grandmas and grandpas to run behind brats when perhaps they would want a little peace and quiet.
@Agnes Trust me, all the examples I gave are real life.
Absolutely true…if there is no commitment by parents it is better they do not bring their offspring’s into this world just for the sake of getting the title” Mother or Father”.
Even when there is commitment there are many instances when things can go wrong with children and at those times parents need to love and support the child to cross the hurdles. Nicely written post
The kid has holidays and so I could not post a comment earlier.
It irritates me too when we are at a gathering and the kids do their man marzi and their parents are engrossed in their own worlds and do not correct their child. The same thought occurs to me too
And when I see people who handle kids wonderfully but who are not able to have kids of their own; makes me feel that life is so unfair.
@Engram Welcome here and thanks for your comment. I agree with what you say.
@bbsearchingself And, I agree with your second view totally. I desperately wanted a daughter and look I had 2 sons. This is the irony of life.
It is very important for parents to devote their attention and time towards kids to make them a better individual. I understand with nuclear family setup it is highly difficult to strike right balance between work and kids. But kids are ultimately parent’s responsibility,no second thought about it.
@maverickshree Exactly right! You have put very succinctly what I took the entire post to say :).
First, I loved your post. Everything you say can happen with kids. Young children don’t understand the word “consequences” and their daring feats on the road, their lack of empathy for animals or bullying ways with other kids are from not knowing the consequences. I do believe it happens whether a mum stays at home or goes off to work. In this day and age, mothers do go off to work for various reasons. But whether they work or not, the commitment, which you rightly pointed out, to give kids skills to cope with today’s world has to be there. No one is born with those skills. How do we acquire them? There is so much info out there but one of the best books I’ve read is, “How To Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen to Kids when They Talk”. Parenting skills might not turn out perfect kids but they help them in many ways, for example, to express their frustration and hurt much better than before, which helps them quickly move on to happier emotions.
As for sick children, each parent sorts it out according to their individual circumstances but as you said, it IS heartbreaking to see children sick and if they are uncared for, that is even worse.
I totally agree with you. Unless there is a right balance things would remain like this only. I know many couples who have chosen not to have kids as they feel they are too engrossed in their career, and feel that they would never be able to spend quality time if they have kids. I really appreciate such people who have taken such mature decision.
Now a days there are no proper working hours, you end up coming late from office, plus bring additional work home, plus commuting to work and back home feeling totally tired, where can one find the time or the energy to do justice to kids.
Since everybody is independent these day, the bossy in laws too can have no say in this matter, for they can no longer pressurise their sons/daughters to have kids at any cost.
So in a way I think in these modern times with so many issues bogging us down the decision not have kids by some is very laudable.
Had expressed similar concerns in my post- Parenting Outsourced.
Parents should know that the first few years in a child’s life are the most crucial. It is during this period, the child develops emotional stability and feelings of trust are developed, which later become the basis for all important relationships.
Not everyone is mature enough to handle parenthood and it is the child who suffers the most.
@KayEm Thanks for visiting and for your detailed comment. I do agree with your first point that kids are fearless and don’t know the consequences of their actions. Yet, unless an adult tells them and reiterates, how will they learn? They throw caution to the winds and behave recklessly and in most cases ignore lesser authority figures. Actually, I am not pointing fingers at working women because I work too, and I don’t follow my kids all the time. But, I do check on them off and on. I am basically talking about acknowledging the responsibility and the commitment that each parent must know before having children. Many of the stay-at-home mums are so busy with their own things that compared to the working women (who make additional efforts to spend time with their kids after their hectic schedule), they are the ones who end up neglecting their kids. I will surely look up the book you mentioned.
@rama And you are so right. Parents are human beings too. They get tired and sick as well. And, as we both know, kids require relentless attention and energy. Given these circumstances, only the very committed should go ahead with having children. They must plan ahead about how and who will take of the child through various stages of life. It really is a very crucial decision.
@Purba absolutely agree. Will check out your post too.
where were u 20 yrs ago rachna?!! haha my elder daughter is that age..if i had read this then..hmmm haha
So so very true and agree completely!! It’s sad to see kids being brought up in this way!! Gross negligence! 😐
@Ramesh You had me cracking up there. Hope your daughter does not read this :).
@Shilpa I know it makes one feel so bad for these kids.
I totally agree with you. And it is about how committed a parent feels.. To be honest, I have seen families where both parents are working, and yet the child is their first priority- they do what it takes to enure that they are there for the child. I have seen parents, with low pressure joubs, who are around physically, but totally do their own things – not one bit bothered about what their kids are up to.. And I would not just blame nuclear families for the state of affairs. I have seen joint families, where all the attention on the elders – who are totally capable of taking care of themselves, yet need the sons and daughter-in-laws to do ‘seva’ , while the kids are totally neglected.. I think it all boils down to the priority one accords to one’s children. I do not mean spoil them rotten, but to be there when they need us. To balance out everything in the best way possible.. And ultimately it varies from family to family, person to person, if you ask me.
And yes, if we are not capable of the commitment, it is far better to not have children, than have them, and neglect them. Or have them when you are ready for the responsibility, rather than have them because it is ‘expected’ of you, you know.
@wordzndreamz I think you have articulated the entire thing very well.
Could’nt agree with you more Rachna:) A child is a life long investment and will yield fruits for self and others based on upbringing and values imparted!
Thank you Rahul! Yes, they are the biggest investments in our life in terms of time and emotions, and we’d better be prepared before we get into it.
Totally Agree!
Thank you Maitreyee, and welcome to my blog!
Hi rachna
Very well said . A child is a responsibility that we take and hence deserves full commitment. Andonce the child grows up there is no way we can bring back the fun and togetherness of the growing years
So true Jayashree! There are so many beautiful moments that we may miss out on if we are not around. And, it does not only apply for working mothers but even those at home who are not spending time with their kids.
and due to these negligences, kids develop certain behavioral patterns which may not be healthy for them. also there are chances of some unpleasant experience which could scar them for the rest of their lives.
very nicely written.
So true. Behavior patterns that are causing us to see spoiled and overpampered brats. Yes, and unpleasant experiences too. Thank you!
total agreement. in addition, parents planning to have a child should undergo basic training in child development and parenting. one parent should choose to let go of his or her career and stay at home full time till the child is at least 7 or 8 years old. we cannot live lives of reckless material pursuit and expect the child to understand the true value of relationships, contentment, caring, sharing and happiness.
Agree Subhorup! But, where does one get access to this training? And, you are absolutely right about one parent being home. I followed the same strategy. It just could not work any other way. I did feel disappointed giving up a career, but I could manage taking up freelance work strictly from home in the time they were in school. I obviously did not take up any work till they started formal school. I think this point really must be understood by parents. And, this must be done without a feeling of resentment or sacrifice. It is in our interest and in the interest of our child.
hard post, Rachna..but true! But hard post. Kids do suffer when parents don’t prioritize them…
Thank you Bhavana! It was hard for me to do this too, as it is for millions of other go-getter moms like me who have to give up a flourishing career. But, I have no regrets because I gave time to both my kids and even now my evenings are free for them. So, I might earn lesser money, but in the larger picture, my family comes way above anything else in my life.
agreed …very true . Kids need loads of time and attention. and i have seen a few of my colleagues taking a conscious decision not to have kids …I admire them also .
That’s the prudent thing to do if you don’t have time for kids. Kids are not going away, and their birth is just the first step.
A just reprimand to the delinquents, except that it may not sink home unless we have something like an Act called ‘Right to Safe Childhood’ stipulating severe punisments to the errants. But the Bill might not get passed till the next century. How does an Aarushi happen?
As ususal, you have hit the nail on the head, Umashankar! We need stiff punishment for such parents or something like Social Security in the US. How does an Aarushi happen? I wonder too myself.
You are bang on target…working mothers have a lot on their plate & it must be very difficult for them to strike a balance…yet having kids too is a very basic need…perhaps if the couple could limit their aspirations & live on one salary it would be better for all concerned.
Let me explain this further-while counseling adolescent girls i asked them whom did they confide in if they had a problem ; i was surprised when many girls said their best friend -but only until i learned that all of them had working mothers & you know how naive or even misguided those peers could be.
I agree with what you say. But, it must come from within them to make that choice. If they are angry or bitter about it, then there is no point in doing it.
It’s really difficult for working parents to devote all the time for their kids. It’s sad just because there is TV and video games to keep a child from making fuss, parents knowingly but helplessly resort to such techniques. You are right, being a parent is the strongest commitment ever, if we decide to have kids, then commitment is necessary in all fields of parenthood.
I agree Neha, and you know I am not really pointing an accusing finger at working women. I am just talking about an attitude that runs even in women who are at home. Raising kids is hard work. And, there is a lot that both moms and dads will need to do. They’d better be prepared for it before they get into it.
You just made everybody stop and think for a while. I totally agree with you — Grandparents and babysitters cannot play the disciplinarian and yes, it’s in the early stages of childhood that a child develops most. Having a child is a HUGE responsibility and bringing up the child an even bigger one. Sometimes I wonder if we can ever be really ready to take on parenthood.
And, Divya I feel the same way. Are we ever ready? I remember becoming a mom at 27. I was thoroughly confused and learned things as I went along the way suffering frustration and joy. The journey of parenthood is tough, and once you have a baby, your life is irrevocably transformed.