Sometimes, no matter what you say, your words just do not seem to reach their target. Has it happened to you that no matter what approach you try, the other person is just not able to get you or does not want to understand? When it is an important matter and not idle drawing room discussions, it frustrates immensely. How do you turn that person around when they are hell bent on shutting you out? Have you sometimes had a feeling that you are talking to a wall — a deep, impenetrable wall — that does not seem to take in any of your emotions or hears none of your anguished pleas. All that the wall does is just bouncing back your own voice sounding strangely empty.
There have been times in life when there is an utter hopelessness that surrounds you. You are not able to fathom the right way to go ahead. The paths seem unclear. There is a lot of grey and absolutely no black or white in sight. You see an imminent disaster and yet are so defenseless almost helpless in its wake. Are you overreacting? Will closing your eyes make it go away and magically transform everything back to normal? Wish that were true but it does not happen. Why is willingness to do the right thing so difficult?
With children, it is much easier to reach out and make them understand. If nothing else works, you can assert your authority as a parent to make them do certain things. But adults are a different ballgame altogether. Educated, intelligent people sometimes just close their eyes and minds to simple facts staring them in the face. I guess that is life. Each day unfolds and brings you new learning. And perhaps will also bring you wisdom and patience to tackle intransigent minds.
Are you getting the problem with democracy? In an authoritarian form of government, even adults can be treated like children and a leader can go ahead doing the right thing. In a democratic set up, only way is to manipulate people to do the right thing.
I totally get that problem. Face it every single day in the community where we live; everyone writes mails; no one wishes to take actions or do things. The problem with any kind of autocracy is how do you ensure that the autocrat with absolute power stays benign and sensible. As history has shown us, even a little bit of power corrupts. You are right; manipulation is the name of the game and some of us really suck at it.
Anybody with such a attitude can be tolerated. But what will you do if its your own spouse… hmm
A person with this attitude will be impossible to tolerate on a regular basis. Once in a while, all of us are maddeningly stubborn.
Exactly, as each day unfolds we learn a little more. Nice post and a great summary of endless daily frustrations.
My dealings with intransigent minds lead me to believe there are two types – ‘the face value’ and ‘the fox’ intransigent minds.
The first ones are flat out stubborn – they state their opinion and that is it, they don’t even hear you what you say. Why do they disagree with you is another thing. But in any case, they turn into a wall you can’t go through. I recognize them by their defensive or authoritative body language. When a former colleague of mine would put both his hands in his pockets, I still had a chance to speak and be heard, but the moment he crossed arms on his chest, I knew I had to withdraw and try another time.
The second type will hear you once, will throw back a reason to disagree, but will hear you again and again, all awhile gathering a sense of how far they can go playing you, perhaps getting a hint of what your weak sides are. Regardless of how long you negotiate with them, they may not flex, yet they have learned a lot about your strategy. With these folks I try the question technique – ‘what about this’ ‘why not this’, so I can yield some understanding of their game as well, instead of presenting the real reasons why I might be right.
Your comment is extremely insightful, Iliana! I read it thrice to take in everything you said. Indeed, sometimes it fails me what strategy I must use when the other person is so upfront in telling you that they will just not listen to you. Sometimes they just refuse to answer questions and clam up. You will not get them to speak or communicate. And that becomes just so very difficult.
Iliana makes so much sense. She is a master at reading minds. Am loving the discussion here.
Thanks,Alka! Yep, Iliana has some fabulous observations! I actually learned a lot from the comments.
Bingo! There are situations where all the lessons of effective communication and anger management just fail!
You are absolutely right! Every trick in the book fails.
When a person has a closed mind and unwilling to be receptive to what he percieves is a different view point,there is little that can be done.One can point out the dangers and risks involved but is brushed aside without even listening.Sometimes peer pressure works, an outsider or a distant relative can make them listen.I have witnessed many such cases transform after getting hurt by their actions.
I wouldn’t say that some of them have a closed mind. It is only certain issues that they just clam up about. Those areas are strictly off discussion no matter how much you try. I also feel that perhaps with time, they will see reason.
And when I try to voice these thoughts to the hubby, he invariably says that what you see as the right, and what makes sense for you might not be the right for the person who just can’t understand. I understand that point of view… but I can not see how some things are not right… Its just in the thought process…
Absolutely, Aathira! Even I fail to understand no matter how much I try, why something so common sense seems so difficult for the other person to fathom. I guess, we all are different. And each person responds to a different approach. Clearly, I don’t have the necessary skills.
The phrase ‘Intransigent Mind’ reminded me of this passage from Ayn Rand:
In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man’s proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours.
I’ll leave you with the thought. You’ll figure it out I am sure.
xoxoxo
What a beautiful passage this was, Dagny! Thank you for sharing it. Indeed, it is a great guiding force in times of despair.
May your confusions dissolve as mist dissolves with the rising of the sun.
🙂
Hmmm…ask me about it 🙁 All I can say, we are not born the same and our brains are not wired the same way. Either put up with it or ignore it as if it hadn’t happened to you…
That’s true or figure out a way to cope with it!
I think Latha has given here the best advice.
Thanks Indu!
Yeah, just what I wanted to hear today, Rachna. But sometimes all you wanna do is simply sulk and let the feeling pass
Oh yes, I do that quite frequently :).
Sometimes I fail to understand why people are unable to make sense of the truth staring right at their face. Guess as someone said here, our brains are hardwired in different ways and not all of us see things the same way. But at such moments, irritation and anger, combined with a sense of loss at not being to explain it better, my God!
I feel all that you have said above. Yes, it can be really frustrating. Perhaps, I am failing somewhere in making my point or in being more accepting of the other person’s approach no matter how flawed it may seem.
I hear you, Rachna. Over the years I have taught myself that there are certain people(especially our elders) who will refuse to change or listen our point of view. I know I can’t change them, so for the sake of my happiness I have learnt to live with it.
I completely agree with what you are saying. There are times when one just has to learn to live with it instead of trying to figure out why and how to change the approach. Definitely, this approach gives more peace of mind.
My wife is currently facing this situation where neither her parents nor mine are able to understand the rationale of a few of her decisions. It looks like I am the only one who even has an inkling of an idea of what she wants to do and more importantly why she wants to do it.
That being said at this point she seems extremely hesitant to do it as both sets of parents don’t seem to agree with her. This post therefore hit a chord somewhere deep within me.
I understand what your wife is going through. I would hesitate too if the decision for some reason does not have the acceptance of parents. But then there have been times when I have gone ahead and done things that they did not agree with. I guess, one has to take that call in life. Besides, it is impossible to please everyone all the time. Our own happiness and sanity matters too.
Interesting post Rachna. We cannot break our brains for others. If they don’t understand, what they are doing is not good for them, sometimes i agree that we become desperate, and try to force our opinion on them, but that is again totally defeating the very purpose. It is in times like this I have understood that letting go is the best way to solve the problem. Soon, most of them understand, if they are left alone, and they themselves change for their own good.
In fact the more we try to change them, the more they would stick to doing it, and it would only be more traumatic for both them.
We have to understand that we can subtly point out their mistakes and just be patient to see them change on their own. It works every time.
I think you are right, Rama! I need to try this approach. Perhaps, pushing too much has the exact opposite effect like you pointed out.
All of us have some principles and beliefs that we hold dear and would vouch for. But talk about these walls we end up talking to time and again. I have faced it quite a few times Rachna. We can’t do much about it too. They are simply stubborn about being stubborn 🙂
I know Jaish; I am realizing that but trying to understand better methods of coping.Thanks for reading!
After a point of trying, when the other person is not even ready to understand or for that matter listen, it disappoints me badly.. Their attitude becomes unbearable but you cant do much since they are your loved ones.. Doesnt it feel helpless at such times? I do.
Yes, I feel very helpless. That is why I vented in the post. Thanks for reading, Jyotsna!
This post resonates with me, Rachna! It is frustrating initially when the other person is not able to see plain simple sense. I believe letting go is the best thing to do for your own peace and sanity!
Yep, I am seeing that letting go is the best approach. I need to practice that more often.
Adults are not a different ballgame altogether. Trying to make yourself understood, or even heard for that matter, is like ball dancing on ice wearing astronaut suits, with helmets of course. 🙂 I know what you are saying. I see it all around. Age no bar to this phenomenon – of talking more and hearing less, quoting more and creating less, opining but not understanding at all. I am sure I too commit the same crime. For other times, I am learning to shut up and let the thread of conversation lie – untied. If it matters not to the other, it needn’t matter to me either. 🙂
True, Sakshi! But when these are matters of utmost importance and related to people close to you, it is difficult to ignore. I break my head over how to break the deadlock and how to get my point across. I guess, not reacting or letting go is an option that I have to train myself in. And you are right, becoming an iceberg is hardly a solution.
I wonder what frustration brought this about. The backstory to this post smells juicy!
Trust you to get right to the point, Rickie :). For the moment, you will have to just imagine what brought this on :).
Rachna I can very much relate with you on this issue. With my experience of all these years I have realised that if a person has decided to do something he/she WILL DO IT. While talking to others( even your dear ones) your words may seem to be appealing to them, but they will act according to what they feel is the best. I have therefore learnt not to take my point to a level where we have to argue.
Ushaji, that is some really sensible advice. Coming from someone like you with a wealth of experience, I will remember it the next time I am in this situation. Thank you!
I think this is true in both our personal and professional lives.. I have come across colleagues who just wouldn’t care to listen and it would lead to a shoddy deliverable, on the other hand we face it quite a bit with the older generation. Come to think of it, we women get troubled by this more than the men….don’t you think? 🙂
Seeta, welcome to my blog! You are absolutely right! I have been told this before that I tend to mull a lot over things :). Yes, women indeed read too much into things than they should.
Rachna, I think I’ve been dealing with this for long..person responsible MIL the mother in law.. I just dunno why she does what she does.. initially I succumbed and sulked a lot, now I’ve learnt to let go.. much happier now. 🙂
Ah, that is really wonderful, Esha! Someone as close as a mil can really wreck your life if you can’t see eye to eye. There are just too many reasons why people behave the way they do even if downright illogical. Thanks so much for reading!
Hi Rachna,
I totally get your frustration. It happens often and we just had a comment thread on my blog. In my case, its my friends who just refuse to look at the other end.
I recently read this and found it very useful.
http://zenhabits.net/offend/
Thanks for the link, Surabhi! There are kinds of people around.
I don’t really have a problem with intransigence as such because I never try hard to make such people understand anything. They generally indicate such attitude in the beginning itself but I would have a problem if one talks down or disrespects one’s view points..
This attitude of intransigence is more harmful for the person who wields it.
There are some people that I really wold invest the time in convincing. But yes, beyond a point the approach backfires and the persuasion fails no matter how logical the point seems.
The worst is when the other person thinks we are being stubborn. Then we have a wall on both sides. And that gets ugly. 🙁
Yes, it can get ugly :(.
day in day come across them. Feels like banging my head on a wrought iron gate. Feels good to see this as now I know many face such ppl…
Yep, there are all kinds in this world. Thanks for reading, Afshan!
I am usually not the live-with-it types even if it is at the cost of my relationship with such people. If it gets too much, I shut myself away from them. I can’t have negative people around me.
I am glad for you but sometimes you just can’t have the my way or highway approach working out for you :). There are people who require a lot of patience to deal with.
Hi Rachna, so true. I have experienced this on a professional & a personal front. 🙂 On a lighter vein, I think I also experience this on a daily basis as a mom as my daughter has convenience hearing 🙂
Children, they are the masters at ignoring and completing missing your point :). Thanks for reading, Poornima!
There is this quote i had read recently that Life, unlike fiction, does not always make sense. Guess that is applicable here
Absolutely right, Ritzy! Your quote just sums it up perfectly.