Yesterday, I was watching this lively debate on TV about whether marriages are sacrosanct anymore? The topic is loaded to say the least :). Were marriages ever sacrosanct, it lead me to think? Yes, they were much more in the past than now. With 6% divorce rates in India, marriage still seems to hold a place of pride in our country. But, this situation is changing slowly but surely especially in our cities. There are many reasons for this change. Growing economic independence of women, more open society that does not view divorce as a taboo anymore, lesser social stigma in alternate relationships like singlehood, divorce or live-ins, and greater opportunity and temptations for both the sexes.
As was the norm, marriage in India meant that one could have access to a legal physical relationship. Girls of the earlier generations and those belonging to middle-class families would certainly pressure the boys to enter into a wedlock due to family, social and cultural reasons. The boys would have to relent because good girls did not jump into beds before marriage. And, one definitely needed to be married to have kids. Even today the most liberal of couples would tie the knot before having children. The first reason though has taken a backseat due to premarital sex gaining more acceptance yet even in long-term relationships or live ins, there is always a pressure to get married to provide legitimacy to the relationship. That is just the way Indian culture has always been. I don’t see that changing drastically any time soon. This might not apply to the richest and the most powerful like in other societies. This is of course in the Indian context. We, in India, take great pride in quoting that there is an almost 50% divorce rate in the US compared to our below-double-digit rates. Does that mean we treasure our marriages more? Are they sacrosanct to all in it? To say yes would mean taking a very parochial view of things.
There are and have been people who have indulged in infidelity. Maybe, earlier things were kept under wraps or the incidents were not discovered or the lesser partner reconciled and kept quiet in the name of honor. Today, they are more out in the open and reported. There could be a variety of reasons for this. Extramarital affairs are on the rise due to explosion in technology that is giving easier access to opportunity; less tolerance or lack of adjustment on the account of partners; partners being more aware of their individual needs, desires and aspirations; women experiencing empowerment, having more financial stability and having more say in their own marriages and so on.
In my opinion, marriage can be a very fulfilling relationship if both partners have mutual trust and respect. They must look at the relationship as a symbiotic, mutually beneficial and dynamic relationship. The relationship needs to be nurtured on realistic expectations and a fair give and take. Marriage changes at every stage, and it is important for the girls not be overly emotional ( read filmy) and for the men not to be overly practical :). I would like to hear your views about it.
It was quite interesting and amusing to watch various points of view on this subject. In this topic, there is no right or wrong but just individual perspective. Like someone said, “One man’s marriage is another man’s poison.” 🙂
PS: Picture courtesy kongsky/freedigitalphotos.net
I personally feel, that marriage is definitely based on give and take, if it is always give, give there is bound to be resentment, sometimes the resentment is more open, but most times, it is a suppressed resentment, which I think would explode one day and create lots of hardship.
We have to also realize that both men and women cannot think, feel, express alike, there is bound to be some differences, and the more we commit ourselves to understand each other, and give space to each other the more, we can help to build up a strong relationship. No one should control one another, try to impose their will on each other.
And another thing is the lofty idea of sacrifice, which sometimes people take it beyond the limits and keep harping about the sacrifices to all and sundry, making the very virtue of their sacrifice insignificant.
Times have changed with lots of facilities, and making us aware of the importance of giving ourselves quality time with our spouses alone, and quality time to spend with the children and the family together.
I am not an expert, nobody can teach such things, one only has to experience and learn to do the things right without shifting the blame to others.
If the relationship is nurtured right from the beginning there is never any chance of regret at any point in life.
I still feel we are way behind the westerners in this matter and we can thank our stars for our upbringing. We are not aping the west in this matter at the speed we are aping them in other fields. So I think that is a positive point.
6% only , I m sure it has ot be more than that..
Well its much more here and as the independance grows , economic and more open society the percentage will be raising.
And yeah I do feel that year ago marriages were sacred, not anymore.
live in relations and the new era of boys-girls beleiving in having a life time of sex before the marriage as the ideal way to grow up, I was horrified to know that the average age at which kids are having sex is 16- 19.. and thats the official indian figure.
but then as you mentioned that things have changed, marriage, love, affairs mean different to different people.
And beleive me this is MYTH that in US or UK things are so bad and not in india, In my experience situations and relations in India are far WORSE then abroad.
trust is going and the idea of hopping into someone else bed every now and then has become very easy ..
Bikram’s
A thought provoking post!Agree with more opportunities and liberal views the things are being viewed differently! I think it is a matter of choice for two consenting individuals what way they choose to live ! I am still of the old school of thought!
So many great points in here both from the author and comments…especially for someone who is reachin the M age…
THe fact that everyone are willin to discuss seriously…shows tht we still consider our relations seriously…
If sacred sounds too conservative lets use the word serious for liberals
Yes relations are serious….
While agreein with Rama…Do our children have the maturity to compromise…I doubt so, we are groing on a staple diet of TV, sops and movies…
And as Bikram said..yes itss absolute hypocrisy to say things are worse in USA
In earlier generations women don’t have this independence like we have now,men are the upper hand then.But now even though women has grown n gained their independence men are not ready to accept that there comes the problem I guess!!! Anyways I am just 3 years old to this marriage world so this Wat I can say mutual understanding,love and respect towards to their partner feelings will make the marriage life happyyy
“One man’s marriage is another man’s poison” – liked it!
To me, marriages are still sacrosanct – for the cultural rituals we do, and the ‘sacred’ knot that we tie 🙂
Marriage is completely relying on the foundation called “understanding and trusting eachother”. There could be 1000s of difference between the couple, but how they manage and be happy is more important. Trying to be possessive, not understanding other’s feelings, not trusting and EGO are the main issues that lead to divorce. Sometimes people just think that only way they want to end their relationship is going for a divorce. They would not even want to try and see how to make the relationship work. If there’s some give and take, I’m sure every single couple that file divorce case can make their married life happy and worthwhile.
One reason for increasing divorce rate, perhaps, is the beak up of joint family systems.
@rama Always giving is an abusive relationship whether marriage or something else and definitely not desirable. You are right about both men and women being very different in their feelings and approach, and it is important for both to understand that. Sacrifices if any must be made willingly and not tom-tommed. I agree with that.
I am all for couple time and time spent with kids and families. Women need to do their own thing, but this must not be at the cost of their families and work. Idling time in front of TV, gossiping or leaving the house and kids to maids in the name of identity is taking it to the other extreme. Many women are losing focus when they ridicule home and homely duties as being trivial.
I agree that this respect for marriage, family and elders is a strength of our culture, and we must strive to maintain it. Following or aping any culture blindly is dangerous. We must preserve this aspect of Indian ethos.
@Bikram Actually, it might be less than 6% because till as late as 2007, it was just 1.1%! The figure will go up as society undergoes transformation and paradigms of relationships change. Yes, the youth are becoming more casual about relationships, the physical element often overshadowing things like adjustment, stability and compatibility. The growing intolerance and independence also prevent a cementing of the relationship that requires give and take.
As far as the reality of premarital sex or multiple affairs is concerned, we as parents have to be aware and inculcate the right values and guide them about safe sex. If they have the right values, in all probability they will be prudent about their own relationships. The changes are here to stay. We have to see how to protect our families and their importance in the current scenario.
@Rahul I agree, and I am of the old school of thought too. But, I don’t judge people just because they don’t believe in marriages or because they want to exercise their choice.
@Jon Thank you and glad that you found something useful here. Though I do agree that expectations are often unrealistic due to many reasons and youngsters might not have the ability to maturely handle these topics, the same applied to my generation too. Given a lot of freedom, it was upto me to follow the right values, they were not forced down my throat. I would expect the same with my children. Though, I would like them to communicate openly even if they believe in something different.
And, it is not hypocrisy but a fact that there is a breakdown of families in the western world. Even kids are expected to be out of the house before they are adults and where do you find married kids living with their parents. About marriages, the statistics speak for themselves. Let us not look down upon the strength in our society and culture.
@Kala Thanks for visiting my space. That’s true. That’s a big reason for the change. Women deserve their independence as long as it does not make their head giddy and make them lose perspective. Men also need to understand and accept the change and chip in with the changing dynamics. Care has to be taken that marriage does not become a place where there is a constant struggle to prove who is the boss.
@Vaish Agree with all that you say except the last line. Some marriages that involved abusive or controlling partners are better ended. There can be some grievous situations and such marriages cannot be salvaged. If ego issues are the main reasons, then the marriage can be worked upon. Difficult to comment because each person and their relationship is different. Thanks for your comment and your visit.
I would like to think the institution of marriage can no longer be taken for granted. It has now evolved into a relationship between equals and women are no longer content being the subservient one.
We have a voice, we have choices.
As for fidelity no longer being an issue – such a marriage is an arrangement and not a relationship.
@BKC Perhaps but joint families could be stifling for many marriages as well. Even now some in laws can rule the shots even though they don’t live with the family for some women.
@Purba Marriage is a relationship between equals but depends upon what one would mean by equality. Is it a tit-for-tat for every situation or is it reasonable compromise on the part of both partners? Yes, women had it raw as compared to men but that does not mean that men need to pay. Our men today are doing much more and much better than men in their father’s generation. We need to look at marriage from the point of view of both sexes and not only women. Then that colors our judgment, and I am sure that you must have come across many cases of wife harassing the husband and in laws and wrongfully using the Domestic Violence Act. In general, women still are facing unequal relationships but that is not a reason for other women to abuse their husbands or families.
Interesting topic 🙂
Its all a matter of respect, compromise and understanding. These simple things seems to be so tough to implement in some cases
I guess the divorce rates being so low, is more a country-wide number. The metro specific numbers would be a better indicative.
Marriage to me, is a great deal of work, and that too, every single day.
@insignia totally agree! Easy to say, very hard to implement.
@aathira you are right! Marriage requires working at it every single day especially in the evolving scenario. And, definitely these figures will be higher in the urban areas yet given our population, they would still be low.
I saw the debate on NDTV too…they were all speaking from their personal experiences…which is the norm. While Khusboo was gung ho about the institution of marriage, Suhel was wary.
Hi Rachna
You have veen awarded and tagged. Pls check my blog. Thanks 🙂
PS: Will come back to check this post… looks very very interesting! 🙂
…I agree partially to what you said ..I definitely believe in marriage n old school may be due to values given to me in india
But saying in india ..everything is below average n good is not correct too..people in india have copied west so much they dunno whts right n wrong and what they r heading too…
once upon a time we were proud of those values but things have changed,,,Gurls who come as brides from india have lot of attitudes in US ..they drink smoke openly surpassing everyone..
Divorces among indiNS in US percentage is high when east meets west .. cuz living here in US people expect girls and boys coming frm india they have lot of family values But times have changed ….so its a shock to see …when they openly indulge into bad habits!
..Rest marriage definitely depends on each individual ..so cannot target individually!
@Alka Yep that same debate. Of course, most people speak from personal experiences except the doctors and the social thinkers.
@Shilpa Thanks dear!
@Harman Oh yes, I’ve seen that degradation of morals too especially among those who go out of India. Do they think that it is hep to conform to certain standards or misuse the liberty that these cultures offer them? But, it is distasteful.
Hey Rachna, Blogger doesn’t llike me! I have to keep trying to post my comment for ages and sometimes even days before it is published 🙁 How about using the name/url option or even disqus or some such thing? Open id sucks.
And now for the comment which I wrote the same day you published the blogpost 🙂
The institution of marriage has certainly changed forms — from being one where the woman said yes out of compulsion, now she has equal say in the matter. This has spawned the live-in culture but unable to find fulfillment in such a relationship, the couple looks for marriage for permanence. And when intolerance and unrealistic demands come into picture, the institution is doomed to fail. As for statistics, we don’t take into consideration thousands where the marriage is just for the name but is not ending in a divorce. It is a time of change — let us hope it is for the better.
@cybernag.in Sorry that blogger has been bothering you so much. I will see what I can do about other options for posting.
About your comment, I agree that there are those miserable marriages where partners continue perhaps for the sake of kids or convenience or habit or anything else except companionship. And also marriages are under threat due to unrealistic demands and expectations from both partners. It is a lovely relationship — my parents shared a happy marriage and so do I. It is not easy to have a good marriage, it requires maturity and working upon every single day but gives the most immense joys of life including companionship, love and kids :). There are ups and downs and unless we accept the downs and handle them with care, it will not work.
How about a 5 year contract marriage? You renew only if you love?
First time here, interesting topics, nice read.
Cheers
GB
“One man’s marriage is another man’s poison.” :)hahaa good one..and jasaala idea sounds interesting, at least for men.hahah..
@jasaala Welcome here. Well, no woman would agree to that but it would be a jackpot for the men :).
@Ramesh Exactly! All men will dig that idea ;-).
A very interesting post..you have summed it up well in the last para and I share your views. 🙂
Thank you!
Hi, I feel most of us don’t know why we marry when we do! The physical part of marriage is very insignificant in the long run whereas it is probably the most primary idea when marriage happens. Very little do we realise that marriage also calls for a responsible as well as accomodative behaviour, for the best part of our life. Responsible because, when kids come on the scene, their whole life revolves around their parents. Their heroes are their Mummy & Daddy. When either Mom or the Dad behaves irresponsibly, the first thing that happens is ‘Kids get confused’. sometimes they hold themselves guilty.Such children keep on taking revenge on themelves for no fault of theirs.
So also very ambitious mother or father finds it difficult to accomodate the other souls with all their ideosyncracies in the overall frame of their dreams & ambitions. Here the only way left is for others to get adjusted.
Anyway the whole idea is that the idea of marriage is not the best one but its popular & going for want of any better option. Still I suggest Artists, Writers, Actors & such people of the mind better go for live-in etc. because your passions will be at conflict with your responsibilities.
Most of us Men & Women are polygamous by nature (though we would find it difficult to say so)as such whenever we marry, I suggest, we always remember that if it is for only physical reasons it will not last long …
http://thephilosophicalpoint.blogspot.com
Praful, welcome to my blog and for your insightful comment. Yes, most of us get into marriage for something that does not hold us in good stead in the long run. I agree with all the points that you have put forth.
very interesting topic. i am amazed you could actually put across your views so succinctly and in so few words! given that on this one, we can go on and on. but that’s precisely why i like reading you because u don’t do that…rambling on & on.
agree with the last line completely. and IF it is a poison, i would prefer the person spits it out. a poisonous relationship kills everyone – the partners, the kids, the families – just not worth it. i have seen some marriages which is so so horrible that i really don’t understand the point of all that suffering esp when there is NO END to it. but they keep up the pretenses “for society” and for “do waqt ka khana and sar pe chath”
Thank you so much Sujatha for the lovely words. I know, I prefer to write shorter blog posts and prefer to read shorter ones too unless they are very absorbing :).
Yes, poisonous relationships kill all the people affected by then. But then some people have to own reasons to put up with them like you mentioned “do waqt ka khana aur sar pe chath.”
The 6% divorce rate is so misleading …. nothing to be proud of, really… what counts is how many marriages are actually happy !
Very true!