Politeness is dead or at least it seems to be half way down its grave. Some of the things we do would horrify us if we had two minutes to cease gaping at that smartphone to actually consider our own actions. Day in and day out, all we see is rude behavior, grunts and smart alec comments. Think back and remember the last time you actually spoke to someone who was polite and no, I don’t mean the airhostess.
Here are some instances of how rudeness has overtaken our daily lives:
Emails: Seriously, most people do not know how to write mails. You have to see my housing community’s mailing list; most people are totally out of control. Some don’t know how to communicate in the language that they are murdering. While others have no control over their raging thoughts and the hopeless expletives that they casually and almost brashly litter their offensive mails with. What is even more shocking is that they don’t for a moment pause to think that this mail may be directed at someone who lives in the neighborhood, an actual living and breathing human being.
Then there are those who don’t know that one is supposed to actually reply to mails. In these times of smartphones-being-extended-anatomy phase, there are folks who will just not reply. It is infuriating both on the professional and personal level. I wonder what it takes to send a two-line reply just in case you are busy enough not to send a full-fledged one.
Namecalling: With social media, namecalling has become fashionable. Yes, you can actually tweet to a celebrity on their handle and call them a#@$%&*. That must be so much fun, I know. Makes you measure up to them. Why? Because you did not like a movie/commercial that they did. FB status updates are free for all. I have seen a couple of my friends (they did not know each other) go after one another simply because they had opposite views to each other. There are those who jump into conversations they have no clue about and often hold flags for people just based on hearsay. And yet some more who do not hesitate in using words like racist, bigot, rapist and harassment in a casual manner not thinking about the hurt they are disseminating. Your own fault being that you have a general impression of being friendly and nice. Everyone is passing judgments in a hurry and they won’t keep their views to themselves. They also wouldn’t pause for a second to think of all that they are doing on public timelines.
Discussions: There is much yelling and less discourse that happens around us. Try raking up a contentious topic and often people quickly descend to namecalling even fist fights. Is there a thing left as not having the last word everytime or agreeing to disagree anymore?
Greeting: While I enjoy saying Namaste to elders and hi to people of my age and younger, try and recall how many children actually greet you these days. The older boys/young men, I was horrified to discover address you as dude. And they cannot complete a sentence without muttering the f word. Did our parents not tell us to greet people or at least smile when we meet them? Women are not far behind with their mood swings. One day they smile and gush and the next day, they look through you. How difficult is a smile, really?
Chivalry: Yes, men hesitate to hold doors open or pull out chairs or offer to help with heavy bags at the risk of being considered old fashioned or even condescending to the ‘weaker’ sex. Leaving gender issues aside, shouldn’t we be doing all these for each other just because they are good manners. Come on, is it too much to expect to be helpful and civil?
Blog: Being a blogger who writes in a public domain and responds to you politely does not give you a right to get overly friendly, abusive or nasty while commenting. Would you be so brutal if we were face to face? Our blogs and social media persona are an extension of ourselves. Should we not be polite and decent there? I wince when I see strangers get too comfortable or rude without reason. Where is nicety and basic etiquette?
Attention deficit syndrome: Have you noticed that our attention is completely divided these days? We are all wildly running keeping our fingers into many pies. No longer do we actually rest once our professional work is done. We are always on the cellphone/tablet/laptop. So much so that I see people in restaurants sitting in groups animatedly engaged with their cellphones. Why did they bother to meet, I think? If it were in my hands, I would ban these gadgets in such places, especially theaters and eateries. I wish we could do the same at homes too. Sigh!
Why is thank you and sorry dying a slow, painful death? Why is smiling and greeting someone becoming outdated? Why is talking to someone without raising your voice becoming such an aberration? Why?
Do you also feel that politeness is dead?
A long needed post. We have not only become rude but on social media using 4 letter words is considered the in thing. I recently saw a post by a so called Social media expert proudly using the F word to describe her Himalayan trek, the hosts in Nepal were visibly offended and commented that we use respect for Himalayas and not such words.
I think it is high time that our social media and real life reflect our true self and not such lame attempts to showcase some kind of superiority by being rude. Same goes for blog commenting a healthy discussion is always welcome but abuse is a BIG No
Yes, it is quite fashionable to use cuss words these days. I find it quite weird when people think it is fashionable to do so. Teens are taking to cuss words like fish to water. I agree with your points, Prasad. I hope our inner meters stop us before we go overboard.
It’s not dead yet – but will soon be, at the rate we’re going. Disagreements are part of every discussion – however they can be amicably done. But these days, when people often great each other with swear words – I wonder where we’re going. And thanks for the snowfall on the blog – was really missing it 🙂
Yes, disagreements are a part of our daily lives too. And they are healthy. Imagine how boring life would be if everyone agreed with everyone else. But our method of dealing with them have changed. Besides we are so much more vocal now that we have a FB profile, a twitter update or a blog to shoot our mouths from. Men I heard have always greeted each other with abuses. My husband says that is the sign of being best pals. 😉 But they normally spare the women and the children.
Christmas is almost here and the blog could do with something festive. Thanks for reading. 🙂
Same in our housing society. Last month there was a tug of war over the gym rules and regulations and everybody was into mud slinging on the group…Also as a blogger, i find it rude when people ask for comments on their blog but don’t reciprocate the same sentiment.
My society’s email group gives me a huge headache. I have stopped sending or reading mails of late as the rudeness has become unbearable. I guess no one cares for niceties anymore. Thanks for reading, Shweta.
Seems so …Now people call it ‘formality’ … if i say thanks I am formal… people don’t want to be polite themselves that’s why they force us out of our ‘formalities’ …. Its a nice trap in the name of friendship ..
a female junior colleague at my husband’s office, came over our home , we made her feel comfortable out of concern as she was alone and new in the city … She was from same place, which prompted her to mingle with us and we also encouraged her considering her alone in a new territory …now she call me DI , my hubby Sir but the phone messages start and ends with a blunt ‘ yaar’ ! ! My husband was too embarrassed to point it out and bore it silently while I replied asking who ‘Yaar ‘ to which came a meek reply “sorry di galti se chala gay tha “….. And hubby dear is still addressed as ‘Yr’ in msgs 😛
hahaha That yaar bit is a bit too much. I know PDA has become much more common these days but I wonder if the person who gets all lovey dovey tries to figure out if the other person actually wants that openness? That logic of formality fails me. I would rather have my good manners about me even with family and friends.
Very valid points. Sad but true, Rachna.
Kids are using the language they hear everyone speaking.
Being polite is considered a sign of inferiority and people are ready to suppress a polite person’s opinion or character! Being nice & polite is a fault?
Looks like that, Anita. It is easy to shout down someone in a discussion. It is easy to be rude, I guess. Kids not only imitate what they hear but the people they look up to in movies and TV serials. I wonder how these same kids are at home.
Have to agree with you say that politeness is all but dead nowadays, what with everyone being in a hurry lost in their own world not worrying an inch about what is happening around them.
True that, Jairam. I think it is an apathy of sorts that cares nothing about the repercussions of one’s own actions.
You know this rudeness is one of the reasons why I avoid being part of any discussion on Facebook communities..Infact, I don’t feel like being part of any except maybe for blogging…And the comments can sometimes be so harsh that there were times that I just couldn’t bring myself to write…I think these days that thread of compassion or simply manners seems to have gone missing from people…
Oh, me too, Naba, especially the controversial or the emotionally charged threads. Except with a few friends, I keep to myself especially online. Yes, compassion and basic manners are being thrown to the winds because it seems fashionable to do so, sadly.
No,politeness is not yet dead,but if we remain under all kinds of pressures…social,home,professional,family etc,we are sure to say goodbye to politeness.
Least one can do in a society is to be civil.
Well said, Chowlaji. The least that one can do is be civil.
Politeness is dying, for sure, if not already dead. The social media is one of the murderers. These days, I never expect respect from my juniors, I know that would be a major disappointment. 🙁 Comments and discussions on Facebook communities have so many abusive words…slang ..and people who use them think themselves to be Smart Alec! I have experience too with comments on my blog where people try to become over-friendly, but I take these as isolated incidents…most of the times, in the blogging community, people are polite still now. (Touch wood) 🙂
This is a very logical and timely post Rachna, and I think I’ll write something on this topic some day… 🙂
That will be nice, hearing your views on it, Maniparna. Yes, twitter and FB are the worst. I guess they have given power to our ugly sides for instant gratification. Rant, abuse, curse — there will always be someone who supports you. Sad, really.
Ha! I agree!!
People are rude, entitled and impatient!
People find too much pleasure in being nasty 🙁
And I agree – Social media hasn’t helped at all.. I feel Twitter is the main reason why people are so nasty nowadays…
I think social media has given wings to our dark sides. Rant, abuse, name call, insinuate — all is acceptable indeed fashionable. Yes, nastiness is cool! But then we can’t blame the mediums, eventually it is the people who inhabit them who make them good or bad.
Makes sense but I don’t know – I have always been much challenged in maintaining social niceties. I was much worse in my younger days and have managed to change myself to an extent. I am not rude to people but greeting people I am only vaguely familiar with and all – I am not too comfortable. I am usually lost in my own thoughts – don’t feel like breaking the stream for the sake of person who is unlikely to ever mean anything to me more than just another person who happens to habitat the same locale where I happen to reside. I don’t mean to hurt or insult anyone. But maybe others will perceive it differently. The other day my wife was commenting how unfriendly some woman was as she was ignoring us when I was trying to get my son play with her daughter. And I was actually happy that she was that way as I had no interest in any kind of intereaction with the mother. But seeing how my wife perceived the woman, I thought possibly many people in the apartment must be perceiving me the same way.
I get what you are saying, Karthik. Most men I guess fall in this category. They are unusually quiet especially when with their wives’ friends or other females. They won’t ever smile or greet. While I do find it strange, I understand it because I have seen so much of it. It does feel rude when you smile or say hi to someone and all they do is gape at you or turn their face away. Just like your wife pointed, women are more open. Besides, what I find irritating is inconsistent behavior. Should I smile or not smile with you? Because they are sometimes so warm and at other times aloof. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
I think people are too opinionated these days. And sometimes it is a genuine issue. Like The Fool said or I have seen people who are not into social niceties not because they are doing it on purpose, but because they are uncomfortable.
I think people were always opinionated; it is just that their opinions have now found a voice via social media. Some people have no sense of how to behave publicly or in a forum or even with friends. They are brash, rude and basically uncouth. It is these kinds that I find weird. The shy ones who don’t acknowledge your hi or smile are still fine.
I really, really hope it is not dead! Please let it not die 🙂 But seriously, I appreciate the points you bring up here, Rachna. I avoid most discussions on social media and certainly avoid twitter. So I can’t speak from experience, but knowing a bit about human nature and given my past experience with a few online discussion groups (before the advent of social media) I can certainly imagine what kind of rude behaviour or talk must be going on out there, especially if someone wants to blurt out all one’s anger or frustration in 140 characters! With my 12+years of experience as an online educator I am keenly aware of and very sensitive to the power of online communication, and how much good can come out of such communication. If only we can rise up to that…. Thanks Rachna for this much needed post!
Please, let us all try to keep it alive. 😀 I am also beginning to take that path of keeping my views to myself especially in forums or on people’s TLs. It is easy to get drawn into nasty discussions and then smart for a few days over it. Besides, every person comes with a different context that is hard to decipher especially in a group situation. There is a lot of projection that happens. Twitter is even more crazy. I hardly go there so I find it bearable. Have my laugh and be out of it. Thanks for your insightful comment as always, Beloo.
I dont know why! But yes…I do agree with all of the above points. Chivalry and good manners seems to be a vintage heritage that only a few have !
I am also trying to figure out why, Ghata. Thanks for reading!
If its not dead already, nobody is leaving a stone unturned to ready the grave as quickly as possible ! In today’s times , gadgets mean more to us than people. I hate when in offices, people continue to keep working on their laptops when somebody comes to discuss something. If there is some other time you would rather meet, the decent thing would be to ask that person to come back in some time.Or when people don’t bother replying to emails / messages.
Oh yes, how did I miss that smartphone/laptop/tablet obsession? I find it so bugging when people don’t even look up to acknowledge your presence or talk. Gadgets are turning us to dust, Asha.
A timely post but do people really care these days! Most are indifferent or apathetic if not already glued to their devices! Basic courtesies and chivalry now mostly exist in texts!
I agree, Rahul!
Tell me about it! We are dinosaurs, Rachna, who have missed becoming extinct 🙂
hahaha Well said.
Rachna Ji, Thanks for Sharing an Excellent Blog with much needed Topic for analysis ! While reading through it an apt Sanskrit Shloka came to my mind … and here it goes … and it Speaks for itself !…
“Priyavakya-pradanena, sarve tushyanti jantavah.
Tasmad tadeva vaktavyam, vachane ka daridrata.”
“Loving words are a pleasure. Why be stingy with this treasure?”
I loved your quote, BKJagadishji. Thanks for reading.
Everybody seem to be busy nowadays to do anything other than the abaolute important personal things. I also notice that people always spend time on tapping mobiles whether they are with their own children or family. Husband and wife don’t seem to chat. They are busy with their mobiles.
Children very rarely gaze and do eye contact and smile. But I think it is going to be ike that. When they see parents spending time with their mobiles, they are going to do the same.
In our complex too, people allege the association committee for everything. They quote Modi’s ‘swachch bharat’ and ask to clean the garbage outside the complex gate, which is not inside our complex. Yes, nobody replies back if their complaints are attended. Nobody informs the yoga teacher if they are not coming to the class. Sometimes it is ony one or two students in the class. Politeness is gone with the wind.
Nice post, Rachna. Good points.
Oh yes, Sandhya. Just so despairing. Of course, when parents are stuck to their gadgets, the kids would only go a step further.
The less said about the societies these days the better. It is everyone’s birthright to yell at the other and expect work. But contributing their own time never crosses their minds. As you rightly pointed out, no one even bothers to say thank you but the complaints are incessant and so rude. Our society seems to be headed towards a sense of entitlement without giving anything in return. Thank you for reading and for your insightful comment.
We live in a country where politeness is construed as a sign of weakness, what else do you expect?
But I do feel that shouldn’t change us. A thank you or a smile doesn’t make me a lesser person.
Yes, it seems like that, Purba. If you are quiet and calm, it is a weakness. No, I don’t think we should change but I only wished that I would come across more people who are generally nicer. Thanks for reading!
“A thank you or a smile doesn’t make me a lesser person.” !!…
BEAUTY ! … I love your this Quote ! … This is what I too feel !… In fact your series of Insightful Comments, which I’m reading regularly, are Quite INTERESTING and INSPIRING !!!!…Thank You !
Gosh, I so agree! That e-mail nastiness, the uncalled for comments on status updates, that ‘f’ word (I am planning a post on that soon ;)! Why do people degrade themselves thus? Thanks for such a thought-provoking and well-written post, Rachna. If only people used their mouth less and their hearts more. Maybe I am asking for too much. Sigh. . .
Thanks so much, Shailaja! I will look forward to your post too. I guess people don’t really care about what others think about them. What else can explain their brash behavior? I agree. I wish people would think twice before shooting off that mail or a comment. It seems too much to expect in these times for sure. Sigh indeed!
The need of the moment is to get people to interact in the first place…Everyone seems to be talking only to their phones…So its like first you talk…then better get polite 😀
hahaha That is a huge problem too, Jaish. Good to see you here after a while. Hope the kiddos are doing good.
Politeness is not dead, but it is definitely not too visible. What I find most disappointing is that most people are impolite to others, but expect others to be polite and respectful to them.
Each one of us must make it a point to be as polite as possible to everybody around us. I make that effort and am successful most of the time. In fact, I put in extra effort to be polite to domestic help, watchmen, liftmen, etc. because these persons are normally subjected to impoliteness by many people.
Yes, that is a great point. All of us must strive to be nice especially to those of a lower social status. And hopefully more of us will make the same effort towards strangers as well.
Something must have lit the fire for you to write this post! 🙂 I do agree that a lot of time I see people behave in a very abrasive way on social media. However, I don’t think it is because of this technology that people have changed. People whose nature is to be rude and inconsiderate just have found a new way to express it!
A lot of things lit that fire including the non-stop assault of the email community list.:) I think people haven’t changed with technology as you have pointed out, they have become more brash and devil may care. That is what worries me. Even the more polite ones face to face can be really very abrasive over mails or on social media.
Maybe not dead, but politeness is definitely not very common these days. People are so wound up in their own things that even neighbors do not have time to acknowledge each other. Technology has made it easier to connect virtually, but it has also made people to drift away in real life.
Yes, Priya. I think technology is taking away the human touch and smile. We are always conversing with our cellphones than the person passing us by or sitting next to us.
I wish I had answers to your questions. Politeness is not dead completely (as there as still people like me 😛 …lol) but it’s on its way to grave. I believe many of the commenters already said what has to be said. I am rude too many times. I realise it only after I have said it. If we be polite, our kids will learn to be polite. Glad that I am not part of many groups where the controversial discussions are done or for that matter stay away from controversy. The only answer I can say is the dying levels of patience. We are impatient for everything. We don’t have time to wait. We don’t have time and energy to sit, talk and sort out things smoothly. Instead, we yell to get attn and think that solves the problem which in turn aggravates the problem.
It depends. More a 50-50 scenario.
Since I work in an office where there are more than 20k people, you get to witness this on a daily basis. Some people will always cut queues and some people are always smiling and give way for others when they see them hurrying. Very recently I had injured my ankle and was struggling to climb the stairs when someone I’ve never seen before at work, enquired if I was fine and if I needed help and he was there till I climbed the stairs. The very same day when I was walking (limping) to the food court this guy came so fast and whizzed past me that I almost lost my balance and he did not even turn to see what he had done.
It all comes down to our outlook. If we are polite, we tend to remember incidents where people have been polite to us and others and do not regard other incidents where people haven’t behaved in the best possible way.
Yes, we do come across many instances of politeness, Ashwini. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Overall, all the instances I mentioned, I do see people getting more rude perhaps emboldened by their right to rant on social media. I really don’t know but our attention spans are shorter and our preoccupations too many.
Thank you for writing and publishing this. I’m glad to have come across this through a Google search. Your post here is a couple of years old but it’s still relevant today and a comfort for like-minded people who don’t like seeing disdain, underrating or misunderstanding of politeness as weakness or pretence.
Thank you, Uttara! Happy to see you at my space.