There is one trait in human beings that really confounds me. In the last book I read, a son is having a rare conversation with his normally reserved father. In that conversation, the father shares a painful childhood memory when his own reserved father physically caned him for no fault of his. Apparently, his father was used to treating his children with an iron hand or an iron rod, should I say. The son can’t help but feel astounded that his father who can still feel the pain of that memory feels no pain when he hits his own children in a brutal way or does not allow them to voice an opinion. In a sense, his dad’s relationship with them mirrors the relationship his dad and his siblings had with their father. Why could his dad not steer clear of these traits when it came to his own parenting? Is it because these traits are inherited? I don’t think behavior patterns are inherited. I think they are imbibed. So, it must be then that subconsciously the way we act and react is filtering down from the environment even against our best judgment. It intrigues me that education, awareness of those emotions, even inputs from others are unable to drive us to change these undesirable traits in ourselves. What do you think? Have you come across strikingly similar negative traits in dads and sons or moms and daughters?
And, if environment is so powerful, then why are siblings brought up in the same family so different in their behavior patterns? Is it within our power to control our negative traits no matter how instinctive and well entrenched they might seem to us?
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reminded me of the concept of “FREE WILL”
it is indeed very interesting that children raised by same parents, in the same way grow up to be very different – one may become ‘bitter’ and another ‘better’.
its upto to us really, ultimately ki what we do with our lives.
introspection, in the true sense of the word, is what makes the difference.
education etc etc are all “enablers”
It’s surely within our power to change behavior, but I usually start quoting Robert Maurer here. His premise is, that people turn to a big-bang strategy when they want to change: a rapid change in a short time. Usually that fails (think about New Year’s resolutions such as starting sporting, dieting et cetera).
Besides this intuitive but often-failing strategy, there’s the issue of actually being aware that you’re exhibiting certain behavior.
Your spouse might say: “Now you’re talking just like your dad!” Well, I bet you were surprised, not aware at all that you acted out these old routines.
It is hard work to examine your beliefs and start thinking for yourself. Why do we marry? Why do we have two kids? Why are we eager and do we display ambition after we got our degree? It’s well known that the decision of family size largely depends on the family size of friends around you.
Yes, you can change your behaviors. You have to learn “observing ego”, examine things you took for granted, and then apply a successful change strategy.
@Sujatha Introspection truly is the key along with the willingness to face our flaws when we recognize them.
@Bart Yes, it is within our power to change behavior. But, very few people actually make that effort. You are right, people aim for short-term results instead of a long-term result oriented approach. Like you pointed out, a diet looks within reach but a healthy lifestyle seems much harder to achieve. So, in effect when the short-term goal which is very difficult is not achieved, then the tendency to give up is the easy way out.
About the awareness bit, in certain cultures including even in traditional families in India, you are not supposed to speak out against an elder or head of the family because they are older and wiser. Hence, who will show the mirror? Also, sometimes, like you pointed out, one might not have the willingness to examine one’s own beliefs. Societal and parental pressure plays a much bigger role in our society — good or bad. 🙂
Its getting influenced. You are so influenced with the idea that you start believing thats how it has to be.
Such parents who have gone through child abuse need to accept they have a problem and must come out of it
Some of these traits are inherited but mostly, it is easier to follow what you have seen because then you are following the beaten path and not striking out on your own. I for one, consciously avoided doing most of the things my parents did that had hurt me as a child. If we don’t learn from our mistakes (or that of others) what is the use of having a sixth sense?
I have seen that people who read a lot get changed,may be they get awareness, otherwise I have sen lot of families where mother and daughter are so very much similar in their behaviour and attitude, whereas sons are opposite to their dad.
Something worth pondering upon. Profound thoughts I must say. Even I have noticed this. Despite education and exposure some children turn out to be like their (disgruntled/ jealous/ bitter etc etc) parents. And I wonder why. I guess children consider their parents role models no matter how bad they are, how their behavior is, whether they are understanding or not!
You raised a good point here Rachna. I guess we as parents forget what we were like or how we felt when we were that age.
I try to play along the kids as much as possible.
About siblings turning out way different I guess that is part personality and part molding…
It is sad that the father, although he was still in pain, just with the memory did not do anything to evolve into a better human being.
It is also true we unconsciously behave many times like our parents did to us, but, we soon realize our mistake and make the positive change in our behaviour, that shows we are better equipped to change ourselves.
However these days with increasing pressure from all sides,it so easy to fall in the same trap, and do the same things we hated as children.
I think it is up to each of us to be our own watchman, and see that we don’t slide in the same direction.
If we want we can definitely set things right not only for ourselves but also for the future generation.
Human brain is the most complex part of the body. Scientists are still figuring out the anatomy and Psychologists know a very little bit of human behavior primarily driven by the brain. IMO, Freud, Maslow, Pavlov all tried to theorize the behavior based on their own perception and by analyzing a limited set of the sample. None of them considered culture.
‘Beating’ is common practice in old days but most of us make an effort to change and most time behave as a changed person. However when the stress takes over, the childhood behavior takes over.
If you want to see a real person – put him/her in a lot of stress…
WE are all influenced by our up-bringing but somewhere along the line we must make decision as to how we really felt about that – lots of people say ridiculous things like “Well I got smacked and it didn’t do me any harm.” You know in all honesty I didn’t get smacked and I prefered to raise my children by reasoning with them rather than beating them.
It wasn’t always easy and there were times that in exasperation I answered them with a terse, “Because I said so” rather than a proper explanation.
My kids turned out OK (so far)
@Insignia It seems likely that this is the only way things can be is the approach such people adopt.
@cybernag I know, there are so many things that I strived to do better with my kids than perhaps my parents. I can even remember trying hard to not go the beaten path that way.
@Renu Reading and listening to other’s perspective especially those knowledgeable in this area also gives us a broader view of things. Surprising because I have come across a lot of father-son combos who have so many similar traits.
@Destiny’s child And I think just how you’ve said. I am sure to all the kids their parents are role models but is it true for the abused ones too? And also when one is older, isn’t it possible for one to know when they are doing something wrong irrespective of their parents or their lives?
@NRIGirl Putting oneself in their situation or remembering what we did at their age can also increase empathy as you rightly pointed out.
@rama Very true. If there is a will and an understanding that something that we are doing is wrong then definitely change is possible.
@A Exactly, and I was thinking the same thing though I did not write that. I feel that it is also a derivative of stress. When under a stressful situation, our worst behaviour, our basest deeds and that behavior that we try to keep subdued comes to the fore. This could be one of the reasons why we see the same behavior pattern among abusers or the so-called very strict people.
@jane So, you are basically turning to your positive experience of not being beaten. But, do you think that those who got spanked think that they turned out fine not recognizing that there might be some emotional damage and then ended up using the same disciplining techniques on their kids all the while justifying that it did not do them any harm when they were growing up.
If you want to see a real person – put him/her in a lot of stress… says A. I ws just thinking..chocolates help fight stress…keep some rachna when i meet u…:)
Agree with Ramesh.. its the pain and suffering which lets us know our true capabilities
Weakest LINK
Like Sujatha, I believe in free will. But the environment has a lot to do with it, fortunately and unfortunately.
@Ramesh hehe Trust you to lighten any serious discussion :). I love chocolates, and I must be eating them more than my kids. Don’t worry I will keep some for you too :). And also don’t worry, I don’t beat adults :D.
@Rachit and sometimes our true weaknesses too.
@Agnes Yep environment is extremely important much more than genetics.
I find myself behaving so much like my parents with my kids ‘most’ of the times . Though i could never be as dedicated and efficient as my mother and as patient as my dad was but i do try .One thing that i am on constant watch about myself is yelling at them and i know it is not an inherited trait …it is just me.We do grasp a lot from our parents but we also have our own set of traits – some good some not so good.Detecting ,realizing and trying to improve my negative traits have helped me a lot .
@Kavita And your parents have very good traits that they passed on to you. About yelling, I do that too and try to curb it. But when stressed good reason flows out of the window and an angry self comes to the fore. You are aware and are doing a good job at curbing a bad habit. Most people are not even aware.
we do behave like our parents consciously or sunconsciously.. thats how we have grown up.
sometimes we think the bad is the good too..
I had a aweful school as i mentioned , it has changed me completely.. i know and now I make sure I force myself to react differently.. first reaction is always lash out.. BUt i force myself ..
Good question you have aksed ..
also as mentioned the real you comes out when there is real pressure .. it is true .. I have seen it so often ..
Bikram’s
I think it all depends on your upbringing. I agree, introspection is important for an individual to ponder on their behavior. However,nit everyone is mature enough to do introspection.Many qualities in kids are inherited,kids grow up looking at the parent’s behavior and those traits become part of their personality. I think if people are mature enough to understand where they are going wrong or what is harmful in their nature and if they have the will to change,definitely no one can stop them 🙂
you are very right..we unknowingly..behave like our parents..and these traits are imbibed in us …sometimes its surprising facial expressions also match..lolz..
I remember my moms expression and I looked myself talking to my son …it was exact same..and this was very genuine ..out of my emotions..
its inherited…
@Bikram Yes, I understand and agree with what you are saying because I’ve seen exactly this happen to people.
@maverickshree You are right as well. Not everyone is mature enough to introspect or understand or want to work upon their negative traits. The inertia or the immaturity to act keeps them in the status quo.
@Harman Oh yes, expressions and tones of voice are so similar, it is amusing ;).