As the young couple hold their labor of love in their arms, their hearts fluttering with excitement at having accomplished such a Herculean task – their bundle of joy snuggles up to its mother’s bosom, blissfully unaware of the travails of being the first born. Her doting parents have earnestly been preparing for her arrival. Her mommy dearest has already read 255 articles and 3.5 books on how to be the perfect Mom. Her Dad has been trying to cultivate her taste in music, subjecting her tiny ears to the greatest symphonies ever. When she wails, screwing up her face in disgust, he looks perplexed. How can his bundle of perfection not like Tchaikovsky’s Pathetique? And he hasn’t even started her on the greatest works of Dostoyevsky.
She is the apple of many pairs of eyes. Her grandparents, a battalion of her yet to be married uncles and aunts, can never get enough of her. All of them talk to her like she’s a retard – goo goo gaga-ing to her in earnest. The most photographed baby in the world, her each first in life is hailed as an act that no baby has performed before – her first crawl, her first tumble down the bed, the first cockroach she tried to swallow…When she first lisped “thinkle thinkle little staal,” her parents almost perished with delight.
She was their princess who could do no wrong, and her parents would never tire of telling her that.
Unknown to her, her parents were about to end her unquestioned monopoly of their affections. It started with her Ma looking like a pumpkin and ended with a skinny baby with a pinched face who she was expected to call her brother. She hated him at first sight, the pint-sized creature who was now hogging all her parents’ attention. She couldn’t stop wondering what she had done to deserve this abandonment.
She was now the elder one with responsibilities to fulfill – the perfect daughter to her parents, the doting sister to her brother and the studious student. If she beat up her brother for trying to bite her arm off, it was she who would get reprimanded. It was she who was subjected to daily dose of sermons on how to chart her career graph from age 12, while her brother was busy trying to insert a clip inside their dog’s nose. If she was defiant, she was setting a bad example. If she got bad grades, her Ma would turn into Amrish Puri and her dad Nirupa Roy.
It didn’t take her much time to realize that there were different set of rules for her and her brother. His pranks, temper tantrums, getting caught bunking classes were dismissed as bouts of childishness and her “failings” were met with “what-did-we-do-to-deserve-this” outbursts.
You’re not perfect, and realistically you know it’s physically and mentally impossible. However, you still fight that battle to be perfect, never stopping. Your grades are good, but you’re not at the top of your class. You feel wrong most of the time, even about things you shouldn’t have felt wrong about.
You feel guilty that your enough will never be enough!
She is all grown-up now, living her own life, her own parenthood a curious combination of trying to be her parents and not trying to be like them. But she now realizes, as her parent’s first born, she was sort of an experiment for them, a mixture of instinct and trial-and-error. Perhaps this is what that made them overly neurotic about her.
In contrast, her brother got parents that were more relaxed, less particular about rights and wrongs and more forgiving. Both of them had the same parents yet so different from each other.
Occasionally she seeks out the Society of Disgruntled Siblings (SODS) to vent out her frustrations. Funnily enough, even her Mom joins in (yes, being the oldest runs in the family), and all of them shed collective tears on all the injustices meted out to them.
All these years and nothing has changed. When she occasionally rebels, she’s still made to feel like that 14-year-old girl who answered back. She has now accepted her fate. She may climb Mt Everest, kill six mosquitoes in one swat, save a drowning kitten but she will still be the little girl who turns around for that look approval from her parents. Her every joy, accomplishment, accolade means nothing till she shares it with them and gets a pat on her back. If she means the world to them, they mean the universe to her.
A few months back when her sis-in-law confessed that she had tried to smother her baby sister with a pillow, she hugged her tight with delight. It was such a relief to know that she wasn’t the only one who had secretly tried to killher younger sibling. Of course her brother never lets her forget she was mean to him once, conveniently forgetting the battles she fought on his behalf, demanding privileges that she had been denied.
Yes, they still manage to fight like kids!
The eldest born would like to think that this curse is a blessing in disguise. It may have molded her into a seeker of perfection constantly seeking approval but she knows her parents are her conscience who will continue to guide her through her ups and downs.Pic courtesy: Freedigitalphotos.net
Me….me..me….the first born and the first grand child on both sides of the families….been there..done that…not trying to kill the sibling, but cursing her…lol….there was a point in my teenage, I would tell my mom, you are not educated. You don’t know family planning. Why did you have two kids? Now, my son is the first born…makes sure that his attention is not diverted to his lil sister…:-)
I stopped at one and made sure my daughter can only complain of too much attention!
A nudge in the conscience of parents who give preferential treatment to sons.
I was lucky. As a first born, I remained the pampered one. In fact, my younger brother might have wanted to smother me for all the attention I got from parents and family.
The trouble with this brother-sister duo was, both of us were convinced that the other one was getting more attention 😀
🙂 The story of most first-borns’ lives. 🙂 Always a pleasure to read your words, Purba.
Thanks for the lovely treat, Rachna!
🙂 It is a fact of life that people take all the good stuff for granted. Make one mistake, and they’ll never let you forget for life regardless of the fact that an apology has been made.
Happy Sunday to you both!
Ah! always a pleasure to read your comment, Vidya!
Oh being the first borne…many times I tried to convert the curse into advantage by trying to bully the weaklings oops siblings but got a good sermon from every mouth in our joint family.
Please don’t remind me of those sermons!
Me, too!
And now you tell me no one cares that I can swat 6 mosquitoes on one go? After all that effort…!
Welcome to SODS! Your bottle of wine will be reaching you shortly.
Very true Purba. But the only thing is, I never fought with my brother since the age difference was 6 years.. But the rest applies for me too 🙂
I was the apple of my parent’s eye. But at the same time I felt I had great ‘responsibilities’ on my shoulder to be a good example to my brother. Terrible feelings indeed. I wanted to be just >myself< .
Now I think of about my childhood, I do not remember my parents directly asking me to be a model to my brother, but I think I might have become this ‘responsible-model cum sister’ due to ‘peer’ pressure. I do not understand where I got this though :-/
Err Bhavana!I’m 6 1/2 years older to him. And we still fought like cats and dogs :p
Enough…..
I’m quaking in my boots :p
I have a friend who once locked her 3-4 month old brother in the bathroom because he was crying and she had to study for her exams! I feel for you guys but younger ones are always more cute, aren’t they??
P.S. I’m the younger one in the family 🙂
Ha! all my friends found my brother terribly cute and couldn’t stop tweaking his cheeks. And he hated it!
Same situation here too… being first born but no sisters to hog the limelight! Well articulated feelings of the first born Purba and has the ‘Midas touch’ of lovely expressions! Thanks Purba and Rachna!
I feel for you, Rahul!
Ha ha! I am the youngest, but who said that they oldest has all the problems? When you are the last, there are even worse tales to share. You are always the baby even when you have become a grandma and you have all those silly tales of your babyhood and childhood paraded in front of your grandchildren, whom you are trying to impress with your wisdom. Sheesh! You just unlocked all the pent up trauma, Purba. Not fair 🙁
You forgot the pampering and all the pranks you got away with it! And you always had your elder siblings to protect you from bullying in school, right?
Aw come’on! it can’t be THAT bad!
Haaa…i perrrrfectly understand. Being the eldest of three siblings, i’ve worked harder to earn some respect. And yes, i have tried to squeeze in my younger brother inside the refrigerator 😛
HAHAHA! soul sistah! welcome to SODS.
LOL…grass is always greener on the other side…Parents do love both equally…however, being the youngest, i do think there are advantages of being youngest…
The youngest ones are the pampered brats…Grr.
Hahaha….I am also a first born making me eldest not only among my siblings, but my extended family as well.
Now perhaps I have one more reason for stopping at one child only.
Even I stopped at one!
I am the middle born and my younger brother and I fought like crazy. We still do till date. And I see so many things true with my sons. A delightful post that has been worth the wait. Thank you sweetie!
Ah! I had been feeling lousy and the dearth of inspiration didn’t help much.
Purba,
I am also first born but am lucky as my parents never made me feel neglected though made me feel responsible for siblings with logic. I can well understand what you say here.
Take care
Rachna,
I do read her posts regularly. Nice to see her doing guest post with you.
Take care
Thank you Jack!
In good old days where five or six children or more were common,my impression was that the eldest and the youngest were pampered lot with the youngest having a slight edge and the in-betweens were bossed over by the eldest.With two kids being the present norm,the situation has changed with both getting equal attention.
A nicely written post
I am glad you liked it 🙂
ya it’s grass is greener..story..
I’m assuming you are the youngest born?
Wonderful post and can so relate to this, Purba. Being the eldest, I was supposed to be the responsible one, a role model kinds, but then I have bullied my 2 younger sisters too!
Hehehe! My brother is the original inspiration for my “biting sarcasm”.
Since I was the youngest in my family, my parents were more lenient towards me. I am also very much attached to them, and would never tolerate anything said against them, I am very loyal in that matter, I don’t care who they are, I would stand up for my parents, unlike my other sisters and my brother.
When I had my own family, I would always listen to my daughter who is the first born, for she would never tell lies, whereas, my son used to get very irritated with her and also me, because of this. Well, they have grown up into adults, and they no longer carry the irritation, which they had for each other during their growing up age.
I feel it is natural, for both the younger and the elder to have friction, while growing up, and we as parents too, were too young to understand them properly.
Good to know you, Purba through this blog.
I may have had misgivings that I nursed for long but now that I am a parent I can totally relate to them. Also, despite the rebukes I still get from my parents , I know no one will care as deeply as them.
Wonderful post, Purba 🙂
Being the first child, I could identify with most of those points. What seemed wrong when I was seven, seemed perfectly alright at seventeen! 🙂
I will feel even better when you are my age 😀
Delighful and so true with first borns ! I am a first born 🙂 My sister who is middle born has many sob stories to share. Though I am careful with my kids but sometimes I do find myself behaving exactly in the same manner like that of my parents.
Purba and Rachna, thanks to both of you for this lovely post.Good day!
There’s no escaping this reality – there’s a bit of our Mom that threatens to come out at most inopportune moments 🙂
I am the only child so I was good till I was 10, and then my cousin(brother) came to live with us, and that’s when things started to change. I can so relate to the post, since I am the eldest of the 3 cousins. But you know, my sister (youngest cousin) feels that being the youngest in the harshest. Reason being no one ever listened to her. I guess there are pros and cons for every born 🙂
I’m sure there are! I wonder what their society is known as?
As a last born to my parents and the youngest in both sides of the family .. let me tell you something Purba – No one understands the trials and travails of us poor downtrodden souls 😛
Uff..these youngest ones can never outgrow their drama queen acts. Grow up, Ruchira 😛
I am the first born too but I was tortured into submission. It wasn’t me who tried to kill my sister out of rage but it was the other way round. I was hit by a compass, I was beaten black and blue and my hair were torn from my skull. And I cried, sitting in one corner as my sister laughed like Lankapati.
Of course now she doesn’t remember doing any of it.
ROFL, Amit! What did you do to earn Lankapati’s displeasure?
I have no idea. She was a bully. Like ‘Joker’, she did it for the heck of it, for pleasures normal humans cannot begin to understand.
I think I have the “Only Child” Syndrome…:)
The quiet one who prefers his own company.
In those days,couples had at lest five children .There are children where the gap between first and the fifth child may have been 8-10 yrs.
And if the eldest was a girl,she almost treated the younger one as her son .
But .times have changed…With with one child…well.?..??..
Indeed! my Mom’s youngest sister is like a friend to me 🙂
I am the youngest and so don’t really know. But yes, I feel the eldest has to be the ideal child, to set an example to the younger siblings. Also I feel at least in my family the elder ones have a better rapport with the parents
Is it because the eldest ones try harder to live up to their parents’ expectations?
I guess the age factor played a role in the rapport. My mother was just 18 when my sister was born. I was born 11 years later, so….
That’s my story too!!!
😀
I am a big fan of Purba too so I am really glad to see her post here. Well in my case, it was the younger who had to bear the burnt so I guess dynamics change.
My husband was the most caring and loving brother to his younger sis 🙂
And thank you for your kind words.
Behind the evocative narration lies deep and accurate insight into the psychology of first borns and siblings. The number of me toos in the comments is proof of how deeply the most of the emotions described in the post resonates with all of us. But I guess life would no longer be as magical if we could be so well prepared that nothing bruises us.
Too bad we weren’t born wise. When we felt hurt, confused, we resorted to meanness as a coping tactic.
And for once I’ll let the child inside me respond to your comment with a Yippeee!
Aww…such a beautiful narration. I have an elder sister and I used to complain that I didn’t have as many childhood photographs as her! But yes, she had to set a good example for me and that must have been difficult. My mother tells me that she used to jiggle me off her tricycle and pinch me whenever she got a chance! But we are the best of friends. I just loved this post, it took me back in time. Thanks, Purba. 🙂
It’s nice to have someone to look up to and cover up your tracks if you have done something naughty 🙂
Hi Purba,
Very interesting post, indeed. According to you, do you think that an only child is usually more spoiled and pampered when compared to children who have 1 or more siblings? Is it true that parents pamper their only child to no extent, giving it all the luxuries of the world?
@ Rachna – Did you change the theme? This looks very refreshing. It’s looking wonderful.
P.S. Do check out my entry for Get Published.
Regards
Jay
My Blog | My Entry to Indiblogger Get Published
My daughter is our only child and no one has accused us of pampering her!
Will be reading your entry soon 🙂
Glad to hear that this isn’t the case with you 🙂 🙂
Purba,
I loved your post. I can see that happening with my elder son.
Didn’t realize it myself when I was growing up because I was the youngest.
Regards,
Gurdev
Aha! so were you the pampered brat?
😀 Oh Man! This is sooooo Me..I have a younger sibling and we have an age gap of 12 years! It is so frustrating at times..but then when she trusts me for every little thing and especially when she falls asleep cuddled into me, it is the most amazing and special moment! 😀 Though I secretly wish to hit her at times…real bad!
Ah! the constant tussle between the wicked and the angel.
Were you writing about me, Purba? Thats exactly me–14yr old oldest kid who always let down her parents and a younger brother who always got away with things! You wrote every bit about me!
I wrote a poem when I eleven, saying how I felt oppressed by my younger sibling and how I hated him…I too belong to SODS! Thanks for the validation…hurray I am not alone!
But look how well you turned out! So proud of you, girl!
my parents experienced everything what they have to go through with their eldest son so they were quite lenient with me and my twin brother .. as a result my eldest brother hated us a lot ..hehe
Ah! that must have made him mad as hell.
Accordig to me, First Borns are lucky ones
Hmmmm
Well !…i’m a first born child….i truly relate to it…though never experienced any “less or more” of love or attention from MUMMA n PAA….maybe they r diplomatic..LOLzz 😛
Rachna ji….this is the first tm I read ur blog….n truly….loved it. 🙂
it wud be a pleasure for me to have ur presence on mine…
http://niyonika92.blogspot.in/
Regards
Thank you so much Tanya. Will surely pay a visit to your blog.
I am a first born too and completely agree with the emotional overhaul ! I was not too pleased to look at my parents turning up with a small baby and I only wanted to know if he was a Tamilian too 🙂
hehe the last bit is so funny :).
‘ her own parenthood a curious combination of trying to be her parents and not trying to be like them ‘ This line made me speechless, beautiful portrayal of emotions.