Thank you Blogadda for finding this post Spicy enough to feature as Spicy Saturday Pick
“Oh no, it has been too long. I need to work again. I did not do my Masters to be sitting at home and babysitting. Besides, our daughter is now almost 2. I think we can put her in a creche and try. If I stay any longer at home, the damage to any hopes of having a career will be irreparable. Don’t worry, this job has a work-from-home option after a couple of years, so things will stabilize.” Sheila gave all these reasons in favor of her decision to work again. She had discovered this BPO job that seemed so good. Thus began the journey of training (was pretty good) and early morning classes for this BPO job. Daughter Diya had to be dropped to creche and picked up by afternoon.
Training flew by, and then started the actual work. The work was in 2 shifts — one from 5 am to 2 pm and the other from 2 pm to 10 pm (excluding the commute). The shift timings changed every week. It was tiring, but Sheila was enjoying her work. She wanted to prove a point, so she persevered doggedly in those times of stress. Diya was cranky and resentful in the beginning but slowly settled to the routine albeit grudgingly.
In the meanwhile, they moved to their own home that was quite some distance from this office. The commute got longer. Diya had to be put in a new creche. The circle of adjustments began again. Hubby, Ashmit, had been very supportive dropping or picking up Diya on his way to or back from work. The other dropping/picking was done by Sheila in her sleep deprived state. Life was very hectic and very tiring. The biggest pain was working most Saturdays and some holidays too. BPOs — they followed the American holidays not Indian ones! She was under pressure and sometimes wondered why she was doing it. But, she wanted to work. She was qualified and smart. Staying at home was so demeaning. Besides, she wanted to earn her own money. That was a huge high, wasn’t it?
Ashmit got an opportunity for an overseas project for 2 months. He wanted all of them to go together. It would give them an opportunity to see many wonderful places. Things were worked out at his work and at her workplace. After moving heaven and earth, her leave was sanctioned. Off they flew. After a long, long time Shiela was spending so much time with the family and was so very relaxed. She was traveling, meeting wonderful people, and reconnecting with hubby and daughter. Diya was leaving no opportunity to tell mom and dad how much she was enjoying being with them.
Time flew by. Back home, it was her first day back to work. Diya had been crying since she woke up. Sheila herself was feeling depressed. Should she go back to the daily grind and the struggles again? More importantly, should she put her 2-year-old daughter through this again, the nights when she is up crying waiting for her to be back home, the times when she clung to her when she is dropping her to the day school?
What do you think she ought to do?
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction
My opinion is she should look after her girl. As a mother nothing else is more important then spending time with your child.
But then the other point is alos true. If she wants to return to work later on, it is doubtful whether she will really get a job or even if she gets one; her seniority will be gone.
I appreciate your opinion and for putting both the sides to the dilemma that she faces. Both situations are so real.
Where is the family may I ask. In many Indian families, the newly weds are asked the question by many in-laws and extended family on when the good news is , indirectly referring to when they can have a baby. If you have such in-laws, then isn’t it fair enough to pitch in day to day affairs.
Thank you for your comment Anonymous. This is a fictional story only created from things I’ve seen or heard. In this story, there is no pressure from the in-laws or the husband. It is the girl’s conscience that is at work. Any pressure that she feels is her own. You can assume that this is based in any large city of India.
I think you raise an interesting question Rachna and no doubt depending on where in the world we come from, we see it differently. It has taken me awhile to get used to the Norwegian attitude toward child rearing, which is essentially, you have children and at one year (sometimes earlier) they should be in a preschool, perhaps all day long while both parents work to support the family. Looking at this from my view as a foreigner I see it as a nation of state raised children. You are almost looked down upon for choosing to be at home with your family. Of course this depends on who you talk to but the opinions I have met have told me it isn’t “healthy” or “good for a family or child”.
I however am home for now. I know everyone has their own situations and since I am not in them, I can only say what works for us. It isn’t bad for our family that I’m home.:) When I came here I worked for a few years in a preschool and found it very hard to see so many tiny children dealing with the stress of separation in different ways, sometimes as extreme as crying until they were vomiting.
Anyway, for now, I am home with W. but he does go three morning s a week to preschool to play with other children. I guess that while my personal beliefs may be that there should be a parent at home, it’s hard to know another family’s situation. 🙂
And, you have put it so eloquently in a non-judgmental way. In Indian society, it is the other way round. A mother is expected to at least take a sabbatical if not give up her job when she has a baby. We do put a lot of stress on families and family structure. If she is extremely lucky to have someone at home to help her out then she can continue working. This applies to most cities.
Personally, I feel that a mother is indeed very important for her children. I wouldn’t want to comment on others’ situations, but I gave up a career and then only started working as a freelancer from home to take care of both my responsibilities of being a mother and my urge for fulfillment in terms of work that stimulates me. I think most of the time the dilemma is for the woman because she feels guilty by giving up her flourishing career, financial independence and identity or status by staying at home. On the other hand, she feels guilty of neglecting her child in her/his most crucial years. She is always living with some guilt even if there is no pressure from anyone else — society, husband or in-laws.
I feel if it is not very essential that she has to work to contribute to the family kitty, then she can take it easy and not cause unwanted tension to herself, her child and also her husband, also if she has to work for her own satisfaction then she could train herself in such a field where she can take a normal job working from morning to evening, or she can take part time job too and be home with her child and also make way for some quality time for herself and her family.
Anyway, these call centre and BPO jobs are not good for a person who is married and has got other more important responsibilities, it is only good for freshers with nothing better to do till they find a more solid job with proper timings, like unmarried boys and girls. It cannot be denied that whoever works in such jobs are always in a lot of pressure, both physically, mentally, and emotionally.
However it is up to the lady to decide what is best for her in the long run, and I am sure she is very much aware of the situation. The choice is always there, and whatever you choose, you will end up losing out in something some way, as some one said ” you can’t have the cake and eat it too”.
Yes, I agree with you Rama. If they can manage running the house comfortably without her income then she can be a little less harsh on herself and others around her. Tension and stress have a way of getting to everyone. And, when the child is older, she can think of doing a full-time job or something part time that is easier to maintain. You are right that BPO jobs with crazy timings are more suitable for college students or single men and women.
Again, she is to decide what she wants to give up and how she can maintain a balance.
KIDS are more important always .. no second thoughts about it. They brought her into this world and she should be number priority always .. I know these days both have to work hard to make a home work but still .. a few sacrifices are required.
If it was me , and If as a man I was earning more , I would start a double shift and have the mother home to look after the kid.. and if the mother was earning more , then I can give up my job to look after the kid ..
Or work part time ..
money is important tooo ..:)
Bikram’s
I have always stood by that philosophy — Kids are of supreme importance. But then I was lucky that I did not need to work to keep the family going. As far as a man giving up work or working part time, I’ve my reservations. Male ego and societal compulsions might act as a deterrent there.
Money is important too as well as a woman’s need to do something of her own and be fulfilled in other ways as well. This balance is so hard to strike!
true what u say .. had to find the balance but then two adults can sit and talk like adults and find that Balance … for sure ..
and regarding this social compulsion etc well I don’t believe in it any more .. I have no qualms if i don’t work .. I have worked for enough years now …
It is good that you have the maturity to look at things that way. Not all men can do that too. You sure know how Indian society is. And, of course, it is desirable that two adults speak maturely.
Only she can decide that .If I was her,kids being my first priority , I would have waited for few more years .
I would have waited too in her place.
Jane Healy said
I was very lucky when our children were born – we were financially secure and I was able to take a career break for a few years. I noticed when I gave up work that working mums tended to look down upon non-working moms, almost as if they were too stupid to actually work … as if raising children was very much a second-rate job that anyone could do. In return non-working moms looked down on working moms, thinking of them as grasping uncaring women. I never quite understood this rivalry. I started my first full-time job the week I left school – I worked fulltime until I had my first child, I opted to give up work because I believed quite strongly that if I had children it was up to me to bring them up – not load the responsibility onto a succession of maids or creches. In the process of striving to be liberated we have forgotten just how rewarding raising a child can be! When my youngest child started school I started working again – but only part-time. It was not until my children were both at Secondary School that I re-entered the full-time work force. Sometimes I look at women who never stopped working and see them a few steps ahead of me on the career ladder, but in reality I wouldn’t swap places with them. Children are young for such a short time in the greater scheme of things – blink and its all over. Incidentially it is a myth that only caring mothers don’t work – I have seen friends on both sides of the fence … they have equally successful or unsuccessful children!
And, that is the most correct observation especially about working and non-working women and their thought process about each other. Bang on! Gave me something to mull over too. I do appreciate this comment of yours. Your experience has definitely given a well-balanced opinion. I do agree that in the initial years, kids need moms, and moms love to watch their kids as well.
To me there is no two choices here! Only one – being with Diya! I think work can happen anytime in India, especially for women. Hiring managers normally understand the roles of mother and do consider people with career break. So it shouldn’t be difficult for Sheila to look back working after Diya starts her school!
to me it all depends on parameters set by oneself …how much shit you can take..and wht gives you satisfaction..
I have friends who send their kids to day care when they r six months old Cuz sitting home is depression after delivery ..n there r others who left job after baby cuz they never wanted to work otherwise..this was good opportunity 🙂
…depends on individual …In her case she is little confused!
As you cannot get everything and dont have to sacrifice anything ..its very rare!
Actually Vaish, Sheila does tend to lose out if she is an ambitious lady in terms of career growth. And, even now how many managers are willing to accommodate a mother’s schedule — flexible timings, sudden leaves? Of course,I agree that her daughter must be her first priority if circumstances permit her to quit.
Harman, each individual has a different set of circumstances. Hence each one takes action accordingly.
Rachna, this is the story of a lot of Diya and Shilea in India! Sometimes it is the financial situation and other times woman’s need to accomplish! I feel at least in the formative years of a child both sets of parents and especially mother need to be around!Building bank balance and addressing creative urge can wait as rearing a child with strong foundation should be the first priority!
Yes, it is a situation of many women today.
Vaish woman dont get job easily in India. yes may be a assistant or a receptionist job may be easy but consider a software engineer job where you do hard core techie work. and not many companies favour woman who have had maternity breaks! the reality is very different
Not many hiring managers are so nice to woman.If you are given a laptop and WFH option, you are expected to take calls and deliver assignemnts just like the others in ur team do !!
Agree with you Vethal! Exactly! Those who take a break know how difficult it is to get back in the mainstream. You can try for some other job but don’t expect that in high-profile career, you can take off from where you left. That is the sad truth. Also, no one allows you to put in less hours or do less work just because you are a mother. Don’t believe all the PR out there.
sounds like my story or well actually almost all working mothers do go through this phase. the last line moved me “Diya clung to her” That was how it was with me too. And when i used to return at 7p.m to pick her, she used to wait holding the grills of the gate looking and feeling like a prisoner. not a day went by when she wasn’t sad to go in & happy to come out. after 5 months of seeing her suffer, i quit. i started freelancing. will go back to full time work once she is in 1st std. I wish Sheila does the same.
I am proud of you for taking that decision! I felt similarly when my older son was little and quit my job. I did it the second time around when I was expecting my younger son. Both times, it was my decision, and I never regretted it a single day. And now I freelance in writing and also take care of my company’s affairs strictly from home and part time. Hope more of us have the guts to make the right choices for us and our kids and then figure our way with our changed circumstances.
15 months – sorry – typo
This is a simple situation. I would even call it an ideal situation when she has to only decide whether or not to continue with her job without any pressure to earn or from others. If it is a career worth leaving the child behind, she should convince the child and continue but if it is just a job, she should stay and care for the child.
How do you convince a 2-year-old child? :). And, I wish it were that easy to let go of the guilt. The guilt of having left behind a flourishing career or the guilt of seeing your baby cry every single day. Sometimes, the battles we fight within are the toughest. With others, it becomes easier to fight :).
Quit and stay at home for the kid!!
Yep seems like the sensible choice but it ain’t easier any which way.
I think she is the only one who can decide. What is right for one person might not be right for another…
True.
It is ones own decision depending upon various factore at a point in time.
My personal opinion us..get back to work
Good to know your view.
clicked in here from Cybernag, and this discussion touched a chord..so predictable 🙂
While I would have decided to stay home and be with the daughter,it is the individual’s choice after all, what are her priorities and how she manages.
Having said that, education is seen just as a vehicle to get a job unfortunately, and we assume that we should get a job in the respective field only…while in the coming years may be your choices change and you do something else which gives you more creative satisfaction and earnings too…some times the free time is a luxury to ponder about the possibilities which we never do during our education and growing up years. I am just talking about making the break worthwhile if you have to take one.
I had quit working in pregnancy itself and stayed at home till my daughter was one and half year old. And then I joined a company which allowed me to work completely from home (except a few occasional visits to office).
I am sure that there are ways to get both – work satisfaction as well as joys to be with the kid – the degrees of satisfaction may vary though! With so many options available, one need not ‘sacrifice’ anything, just find out the right channel for yourself 🙂
Thanks Sangeeta for dropping by. And I couldn’t agree more with your reasoning. I am myself a Chemistry graduate and an MBA who has dabbled in Teaching, MT and now am a professional Content Writer and an entrepreneur. Life can take you along different directions. Yet, I maintain that my education contributes towards anything I do including raising my kids.
Puja Thanks so much for visiting your space. And, I am happy for you. You are among the lucky ones to have that opportunity. Not all kinds of jobs can be done from home too. The outstation travel or especially if the hubby travels often are a factor too along with a really young child that can fall sick, have a sleepless night any time. You hit the nail on the head when you say that the degree of satisfaction may vary. That is what everyone is trying to figure.
You know, it is a personal decision.. It is really not for any of us to say what she should do or not.. AFter all everybody’s situation is different.. I went back to work when daughter was 5.5 months old. I got a very challenging role, and couldnot resist it. Daughter went to the day care- but she loved it! I can honestly say that I was at peace leaving her there.. I decided to take a sabbatical after she was 1.5 mainly because it was a bit much for me. I felt I could not give 100% in both places.. And husband was traveling too – so it made everything too complex.. But never have I felt that I am wasting my education or that I have ‘sacrificed’. It might have helped that I had had a very successful career. I had already been working for 9 years – and had had a great career. I am still on that break. 4.5 years later I do think of going back, but I am quite sure that I also wat to be able to spend the time I spend with daughter today. It’s been a great 4.5 years, and I really don’t want to get back into the rat race, if it means that I don’t get the time with daughter…I am happy – but I get a lot of people looking down on my choices – wondering if I ‘wasted’ my education.. But as I said, we have to make that decision and if we are happy with it – who is to question it?
Smitha, you are so lucky that your daughter adjusted well. And that part about everything being too much for you was instrumental in me being with my child too, so I can understand that. I also feel that I have not sacrificed. It was and is an enriching experience to be around the kids when they were growing up. I have also seen people looking down upon those who make a choice to be hands-on with their children’s upbringing. Life gives you loads of opportunities to indulge your creative side and self too, as it has given me. Thank you for such a perceptive comment.
Hi Rachna,
This is such a real life situation for every working mother in the country today. Any decision made by the mother has long lasting implications. If you ask me if it is better for the child to be with the mother, I’d say yes; but then, if it involves compromising futures of the whole family INCLUDING the daughter due to the single income of the household …… the, who knows? But in truth, every individual needs to see what suits the whole family that time. I have two kids, and with each child, I moved into a consulting role till the kids were comfortable staying away from me for a long day.
I know Nirvana, I think all women of our generation have faced this dilemma sometime or the other in our life. And, there is no single correct recipe here. I am doing something similar to what you’ve done. But, you know how difficult it is to land jobs that can be part-time with flexitimings in India. There are so many factors at consideration.And, I believe, that each woman must take the decision that she can stand by in the long run without regrets. That is most crucial! Thanks for your visit.
Rachna,I think this is a question for which there is no right or wrong.It depends on what the kid and the mother hit on a common ground at. I know of kids who have had working mothers grow up to be strong, empathetic and confident.I am a product of a stay at home mom, and I cannot thank her enough for the decision. It would probably be a good idea to find family who can stay along.
Archana, my mother too was a homemaker, and I am grateful to her for that. It brightened my afternoons when she welcomed me home with some hot food and warm chatter. And, there is no right or wrong here. It would be a good idea to be around full time when your child is too small or too young to understand and adjust provided you are comfortable with that decision. There are parents who can do a great job at parenting while working. It really is an individual choice and a dilemma which most working mothers face. Thanks for your comment.
So, most women like me who suffer from such dilemma keep pushing the dreaded M words, marriage and motherhood further! This was nice and crisp!
I blog here, if it interests you, would not pester though! 🙂
http://rinzurajan.blogspot.in/
Thank you Rinzu! A woman’s life if filled with dilemmas. Lucky are those who can make their decisions and stand by them. Sure, i will visit yours :).