Case I: There appears a Facebook update from a friend who hardly ever browses the net. On the response to that status, my doubt was confirmed that it wasn’t my friend but the spouse who was posting from her account.
Case II: An email sent to a friend is read by the spouse of the friend and even replied to under the original name.
I don’t know about you, but I get really bothered when I see behavior like this. Why are certain spouses so overbearing and controlling in their approach? Do you agree that it is wrong to do something like this? Since when has marriage meant a cessation of one’s identity or interference into the other’s?
PS: Picture courtesy kongsky/freedigitalphotos.net
Such a thing is horrible, if that person is doing it without her permission or knowledge. If she is the type who is not interested in these social networks why have an account itself I cannot understand.
But are you sure he is doing it on her behalf at her request?
@rama Oh no, it is done with the required knowledge of the partner because perhaps the partner is not very active online but what about the privacy rights of others? Official or formal mails I can understand but what about personal mails?
This behaviour is unacceptable. Recently one of my friend’s spouse posted some horrible updates on her wall .We all were under the impression that she was living a happy life abroad until then.He controlled her fb and email account .It got so worse that the police had to intervene.
I certainly don’t believe that marriage should ever mean a cessation of one’s identity but see this a bit differently. I think it depends on the spirit in which it is done although I admit I don’t understand why someone can’t reply themselves. 🙂
I often share letters, emails with my husband but perhaps the difference is he in no way expects it or demands it…maybe he even would prefer I didn’t!;) I would find it unacceptable as well if he simply read through my messages without my knowledge but if you say “Oh sure, would you mind just shooting off a quick reply when you’re on there Sweetie?” or something…but I think it depends how casual the relationship and the email content is for sure. Personally I would always answer myself.
I understand the controlling behaviour you are speaking of though and alarm bells would go off in my head at certain things too.
Thought provoking post Rachna! I wish you a beautiful day! 🙂
@kavita Your experience is positively scary. I feel it is decent that mails from friends etc. are not touched by spouses unless they are specifically shared.
@Colleen I agree. Sometimes, I do share emails, their content or other stuff that I find funny with my spouse. But, I would certainly take objection if he’d start snooping around my account under the guise of “what is there to hide from me,” and I’m sure he’d feel similarly. And, like you I can’t understand why someone can’t answer for themselves. I am just against this huge urge of some people to know everything that goes on in their partner’s life under the pretext of being life partners.
True…there is a beautiful quote by Rainer Maria Rilke (I think!:)
Love consists in this:
That two solitudes
Protect
Greet
And touch one another.
You are completely right, there must be trust and a high level of respect for the other persons individuality for a good marriage to work. It is something to celebrate and not try to change or destroy…something to protect and encourage.
I’ve seen some e-mail addresses along the lines of “JohnAndSusanne@example.com” when I was secretary of a home owner association. But then again, that might be people that use their work e-mail for personal stuff as well.
I dont like this behaviour at all. Even today many couple share the password for their emails, I dont like it. There are so many things I want to say only to one of them, but to both, but there is no choice.
@Colleen Lovely quote and agree with your sentiment.
@Bart For community chain mails, I feel it is fine to have a common email id. But personal email ids should be different. What if I am not comfortable sharing something I wrote with that person’s spouse?
@Renu I feel similarly. The reason why we write to one person is because we are communicating with that one not the other as well. In that case, I would be ccing to the other one.
An interesting post – most of my friends have their own personal accounts, certainly I always had mine and Sean always had his – the fact that I check mine daily and he only checked his once a week or so … neither of us would ever have checked and replied to the others messages!
However other friends have a joint message box and when I write to them it is always as a couple. Never knowing which will reply!
oh no…not done at all. better show ur “saath janmo wala pyaar” somewhere else. this toh not done.
an emergency i can understand.
like there have been times i’ve asked Sathya to get a print of my cv from my email.
he knows my pswd,i know his. but neither of us has ever ever used it or checked the others’s mail/FB like a thief. some respect for each other ya pls.
Oh talk about this!!
Its so cheap; there is no worse word. Get reminded of an incident. A colleague got engaged. We used to chat for technical queries and also for trivial things like going for coffee, lunch etc.
He casually told us after engagement that his fiancee reads his chat and emails! We were aghast. Stopped all conversations.
There is something called privacy to be respected isnt it?
Totally not done.
As the sender of the email, I would expect a personal reply to that. And not something which is not written by that person. Also, i feel something written yourself, and something expressed, and typed out by someone else, will lose some of the small nuances which personalizes the mail.
@Jane So true. I can’t understand why one would go and actively even reply from another person’s account. It beats me.
@Sujatha Both of us do the same. Unless told by the other, we don’t go around looking into each other’s account.
@Insignia That’s so weird. Imagine someone peeping in on all your conversations. I guess some are insecure, others controlling.
@Aathira Exactly and that is how I came to know that the reply was not coming back from the person concerned. Each one of us has our own little way of doing things that those close o us know rather well.
Myself and Israel share our email passwords – just in case I am out somewhere and he needs to quickly get me some info from my email and vice versa.
We do not ever login to pry.
Rachna, so glad you wrote this post!
Because I also find shared accounts (or shared passwords) to be ‘not my cup of tea’.
For example, I didn’t know that a friend of mine and her husband check each other’s emails when the other is away. I felt uncomfortable finding it out , because at the end it was MY privacy that was ‘invaded’ (in a way).
Bart has a good point too – if the email address has both names, you know you are emailing both partners.
My solution to this annoyance? I only put in writing what I could stand by. And if I need to confide into someone, I do it in person. At least you then know who started the gossip 😉
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@NRIGirl That’s fine but prying and replying for someone else is not done.
@IGBG I feel the same way that my privacy is being invaded even if I know both the people in the couple. When I write a mail to a friend, there are specific personal things there that are only meant for that person’s consumption. It is ridiculous that someone else reads it even though the content is nothing confidential as such.
Most of my close friends are away, so I end up writing a lot of stuff via email. Yes, I can stand by the stuff I write as well :).
Not allowed / not possible in my home. Everyone has own email address and no one reads others emails/Facebook accounts.
Trust is a crucial aspect of any relationship…and may be spouses share their email id/pwds trusting each other. But using this trust to send replied and posts in other’s name is just NOT ON.
Kunal
I agree with what Colleen said. Its really what you are comfortable with. My husband and I never encroach on each other’s space. Even though he may know how to get into my mail account, I know he will not do it without my permission. Same for me with him.
But as you say, this can turn into a weapon in some cases. I have a former colleague who is going through a messy divorce. He husband has managed to get into her messenger and extract chat sessions which he is using against her in court. Its really terrible!
Haha ..I know this happening!This frquently happens when the spouse forgets to log off the husband’s laptop email /fb account nd then husband tries to peep in.I know it is absolutely ridiculous.Once it did happen to me that my husband read my mail and then says me all that was in the mail!I really was wild and then shouted at him.But fortunately he didnt reply!:))But he din’t really mean to forge in my privacy .He did want to metion it to me later .shows his genuniess but i didnt like it though.From then on ,i make it a point to log off:)
VERY weird. Creepy, actually.
Hi Rachna, long time no see 🙂
Obviously there is great part of nonsense and, why not, childish behavior when you see someone acting this way, buuuuuuuut (and you do have a great BUT here) isn’t better to have someone with this kind of jealously (or intromission) than someone indiferent to your private life? I mean, when you know that YOUR guy is worried with you, you know, at least, that he is worried with YOU, even if his way to worry is too “weird”.
I’m not saying this is the perfect way to have a life together, but, you know, nothing is perfect anyway…
@A And that’s the way it ought to be unless you forward something or ask your spouse to read something.
@Kunnu Thanks for visiting my space and sharing your views. I don’t know what is trust — is it sharing your password with the spouse knowing that he/she can access your mail during emergencies and knowing that they will not go snooping around your account on a regular basis either out of curiosity or something else. I think trust means that you let each one have some space, and this means respecting the other’s privacy too. And replying on someone else’s behalf is just not done.
@Deepa I know it is a dicey issue. I am against sharing passwords because if there is something I like to share, I just forward it to my husband. What is the need for him to come into my account, and the same applies to him to. Being used in a court case is really terrible.
@raji I am sure you will not forget to log off now :).
@Agnes Yeah it is.
@david Yeah buddy. Long time. Where have you been?
Your point is interesting. But, you know this kind of attention is only appealing in movies :). In real life, I want a partner who trusts me and does not do snooping around trying to find out something fishy. Yes, I don’t want an indifferent partner, but this in my opinion is insecurity and controlling streak, the less of it the better for anyone. I am happy to have a trusting partner 🙂 who does not indulge in such petty behavior.
“this kind of attention is only appealing in movies” hahahahaha
ok, you’re right, I’ll not argue against that…
about my absence in the blogworld, you know, lazy days, lazy life, I feel lazy to do anything…hehehehe
This is not right (both the cases)
To overcome this, its better to have a chat (on phone) once in a way, and discuss matters regarding the postings / conversations that takes place on facebook and very soon you will come to know if he/she is actually posting them or not.
@david And that kind of laziness from a student… hmmm not good :).
@Haddock It is not right, and I did check out verbally before putting up the post though not directly asking of course.
..its disgusting..
Ass holes of all kind..they jus wanna keep them (wives)like their slaves …
men or women should not use each others profiles ..its objectionable!
It slunds disgusting to say the least. As for me, I get bugged even if the L&M opens my handbag to look for some small change! Fortunately he is not interested in my mail or is nosy in any other way.
I am extra careful about the contents when I have even the slightest doubt about who is opening the mails.
Hey sorry for the typo — it should read ‘sounds’
@Harman Beats me, the logic behind this action.
@cybernag I know but ask those people and they get all defensive saying what is there is to hide between husband and wife? Ridiculous logic.
I don’t like this behavior. Every relationship should respect right of privacy of another partner. My hubby and I are married for half a decade now, but we never shared our passwords neither we access each others emails. That’s so simple and less complicated
@maverickshree Exactly, some simple things seem so complicated to others.
I would agree with Rama . Why have an account, when you cannot operate it yourself or simply leave it to others to operate it !
What, even if the proxy is one’s own spouse !
That’s absolutely unethical, no better than opening and running an account in false name and gender.
All her friends’ privacy is being invaded too.
@aarkay I agree with you.
@Indian Homemaker Exactly my contention as well.