My blogger friend Zephyr of cybernag.in kindly consented to do a Guest blog post today on my 11th Wedding Anniversary. Zephyr is a grandmother whose blog I've been following for some time now. Her blog posts are full of wisdom and humor, both the qualities I cherish. I feel a connect with her and sometimes her blog posts seem to speak my thoughts. She writes beautifully about relationships, parenting and social issues. Her blog is a must read for anyone looking for balanced posts, anecdotes and lovely experiences. So here goes the blog post she did for me on marriages...
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Give something and get something extra!
It is not about bargains in a store but one in a
relationship, especially in a marriage.
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I was discussing about marriages the other day with my
friend from Israel who was in town. ‘They divorce in less time than they lived
together before they marry. I prefer it when they marry and then begin living
together,’ she said adding that sometimes they get married after living
together for five or six years harmoniously but divorce within a year after
marriage! ‘They lack tolerance -- this generation,’ she said shaking her head.
I shook mine in agreement.
Like the L&M and me, she and her husband have been
married for 35 years and like all long married couples, has gone through the
thick and thin of life learning in the bargain to live and let live, albeit not
without tiffs and little fights.
I never tire telling (anyone who would listen) that I
deserve a Nobel Prize and an Oscar and all the top awards besides because I
tolerate all the idiosyncrasies and exasperating habits of the L&M for so many
years, but add in the same breath that only he could have put up with my quirks
and annoying habits.
The L&M and I have nothing in common, except the brats
of course and then they look like HIM! But I would not exchange him for any Mr.
Perfect in the world. Who, but he would put away the washed vessels, a chore I
heartily dislike – every single day? Who again, but he would never find fault
with me for making some blunder, trying to gloss over it to make me feel
better? Who but he would patiently grate ginger for and make tea for me, even
if he doesn’t drink anything in the morning? It is another matter that he would
crib about it every day. I tell him not to make my tea if he hated it so much,
he would still do it because I simply need my cuppa when I wake up and he likes
to see my happy face.
So when I need to cook three different kinds of vegetables
because he simply loves them and can’t resist buying loads of them every day, I
do it with a lot of grumbling, but when I see his face light up at the sight of
the dishes, I feel good, even if I have spent two hours in the kitchen cooking
them all. That’s what doing things for each other means. We do them to see our
spouses happy.
Ever wondered how the earlier generation managed to bring up
so many well-adjusted and happy kids? Our mothers didn’t demand equality – they
were equal in more ways than the women of today.
Marriage is hard work. It is NEVER a 50:50 relationship. You
can’t divide housework equally, you can’t
divide responsibility half and half
and you can never divide adjustments
made by each other equally. The ratio ranges from 60:40 to 90:5. While the
former is an ideal situation, the latter is where the relationship is abusive
with one very submissive partner. And
mind you, though the submissive one is largely the woman, even men are the
victims. But social conditioning and other factors make them silent sufferers
since any publicity would only make them the object of ridicule and not
sympathy or pity.
The reason we find so many unhappy couples today is because
their egos get hurt by making any compromise or giving in to the other partner
however trivial the issue is. ‘Why should I give in?’ they demand. I agree that one shouldn’t give in if the
demands are demeaning, unreasonable or outright cruel. But when they are a
matter of just simple give and take, what is the harm? Why make a big deal of
small things? If one were to go by the kind of complaints one hears from
spouses, one is shocked. The issues in question are ‘not worth a pinch of salt’, as we say in Tamil.
It is so easy to start a fight over trivial things and then
turn them into ego hassles which blow up in a couple’s faces before they know
it and we find them standing in opposite cages in front of the judge in a
divorce court.
Whether it is an arranged marriage or love marriage
(including one where the couple has lived together) a sense of déjà vu sets in
once the honeymoon is over. The new environs, the added responsibilities and
being on their own/with their in-laws – all bring in their own set of
adjustments and compromises.
Ever tried doing any of the following?
- He likes to meet his friends once
in a way and you happily tag along, even making your best efforts to enjoy it
without commenting about them adversely lest he feels hurt.
- She likes to unwind by shopping
and you accompany her enthusiastically even though there is a crucial football
tie on the telly and you don’t breathe
a word about it to her lest she felt guilty.
- Invite her parents over for a
fortnight because she wants them even when you are neck-deep in a project and
politely listen to the old man’s boring conversation and exclaim
enthusiastically at her mother’s cooking when you are hard pressed for time.
- Go out of the way to be nice to
his sister whom you are not too fond of, because he dotes on her and you love
the look of happiness on his face.
Go
on, substitute your own situations here and make a list, marking each as A
(felt good) or B (Felt lousy and put upon). When the As outnumber the Bs, you
have a happy spouse and a happy spouse means a happy family and we all know
what that means. Don’t be surprised by the reactions. They sometimes can be
more pleasant than you dreamt of in your wildest dreams.
Marriage is not about one-upmanship or about controlling each
other. Give some, get some and if required, give some extra. It is this extra
that the spouses give each other that make for enduring relationships and happy
marriages.
Rachna dear, wish you and your husband of 11 years Many
happy returns of the day.