An interesting conversation

My son and I were out to the market one day. We passed by a butcher's shop where we heard the bleating of the chicken being slaughtered. There was also this chap on a bicycle ready to lug his cargo of alive chicken. There must be at least 50 of them tied in two batches in the front and back on top of each other with their necks drooping as if resigned to their fate. Sid sees them and looks shocked. He asks me, "Look at the way he is carrying these poor things." I nodded my head feeling sad myself. He then went on, "It is terrible that they will be killed, and we will end up eating them." I agreed.

He told me that the other day in school, his teacher asked which is the most dangerous animal? Many kids answered lion, tiger and the like. But, Sir said it is human beings. We kill when we don't have to! "Do you think that I should stop eating non-vegetarian food?" he said. I replied, "This is the decision only you can take."

To explain further, I told him how his own grandmother (my mother) never ate non-vegetarian food, but she cooked for us kids and never actually told us what we should do. Each of us 3 siblings gave up eating non-vegetarian food at some time in our lives. My sister and I started eating after our marriages though not under coercion from our spouses, but my brother still is a vegetarian, though his wife is a non-vegetarian.

So, the decision is yours to take! I think, that left him even more confused. I think this confusion is good. After all, life is not always black and white; there is a lot of grey.

PS: I believe that the choices we make in our life must be based on our own free will and convictions and not based on heckling or pressuring. 

Smile

Pic: Clare Bloomfield / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Though I think of myself as a positive and optimistic person, I do realize that I am quite judgmental and critical in many ways. The only saving grace is that I am not in your face with my criticism; I generally am pretty courteous even with people I openly dislike. Why are we getting more bitter, intolerant and my way or the highway kind of folks? We criticize, bitch, find fault or generally enjoy slinging mud? Are we letting unnecessary negativity bog us down sometimes on as trivial and unrelated topics as celebrities! A blogger friend, Purba's latest post made me think about this. 

So, this post is going to be a cheerful post with no fingers pointing at anyone :). 

We got our dog, Coco, neutered, and the guy seems to be doing pretty well all recuperated. I had a pleasant surprise when I went for my younger son's PTI this week. Now, he has always struggled to keep up with the crazy kindergarten syllabus. Both Gautam and I have been working this entire year practicing and reading together along with his teacher's support in the classroom. My son is very shy and requires sensitive handling. His teacher had such wonderful things to say about him this time and his progress. The little fellow made us so proud :). And, when I tell him, "I am so proud of you." He asks me what does proud mean? And, it is so difficult to express the feeling of pride to a 5-year-old. 

My elder son, is only about to be 10, but I see a real change in him in his maturity. I can really talk to him like a friend. He has the compassion and the patience to listen to me. I cherish this relationship that I share with him. And, hubby will be pleased too, as I eat his bheja less often ;-).

Another good thing about Coco's neutering was that kids now understand that men has testicles that contribute to a child also along with the women who give birth. We have birds too. So, even the younger one understands that the egg that is not fertilized (a term he does not understand and mispronounces) does not have chicks coming out. Now, the next question is going to be how do they get fertilized, or how do the sperms from the testicles get into the baby. That will be a tough one to answer. I am still thinking about how I will answer that one. Indian parents always have it tough when talking to their kids about birds and bees. But, nature is helping us. Also, we can get psyched when a child mentions a forbidden word, though the child may mean it in all innocence. The problem is with our thinking :).

And, for our application Rolodexo.com, we created a Facebook Page. Please be a sweetie and "like" it :).  You want to support budding entrepreneurs and friends, don't you?

The link is here:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rolodexocom/235758923168750

The power of the self is very strong and often unrealized! So, on this pensive note, let me wind up this post with this quote.

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Dalai Lama

  

Your own virtual Business Card database -- Rolodexo.com

My company, Tranquil Software, which is a startup, launched an internet-based application recently. It is your very own place to create your business or personal card, store the details and then invite your friends, acquaintances, business contacts (anyone whose contact you'd like to save). The biggest advantage of this site (apart from the fact that is free to use) is that you never lose your contacts. It is like a storehouse of all your business cards in one place. Another great feature is that when anyone in your contact list changes their contact information, it automatically gets updated in your contact list too and also in the contact lists of all those who have them in the contacts. Very simple to use, you just register with a username and password. Then you confirm your email through the link sent to your email id. It opens a simple profile page where you input your details and your card is ready!

You can create a card whether you are a student, a professional or a homemaker. The intent is to store contacts in a reliable place. Our Privacy Policy assures you that we will not sell your information to anyone. And, you can always keep your card private (there is an option there) if you want only your name to appear in searches. That should take care of your security concerns.

Now invite your friends and build up your contact list. This is all there is to it. I hope to see more and more people use this application, as it is really very good. I am not only saying it because we have developed it, but I do genuinely believe that.

This is the website: http://rolodexo.com. Please register and spread the word among your friends. Any feedback, comments and views are welcome and help us work better.

The dilemma of a mother!

"Oh no, it has been too long. I need to work again. I did not do my Masters to be sitting at home and babysitting. Besides, our daughter is now almost 2. I think we can put her in a creche and try. If I stay any longer at home, the damage to any hopes of having a career will be irreparable. Don't worry, this job has a work-from-home option after a couple of years, so things will stabilize." Sheila gave all these reasons in favor of her decision to work again. She had discovered this BPO job that seemed so good. Thus began the journey of training (was pretty good) and early morning classes for this BPO job. Daughter Diya had to be dropped to creche and picked up by afternoon.

Training flew by, and then started the actual work. The work was in 2 shifts -- one from 5 am to 2 pm and the other from 2 pm to 10 pm (excluding the commute). The shift timings changed every week. It was tiring, but Sheila was enjoying her work. She wanted to prove a point, so she persevered doggedly in those times of stress. Diya was cranky and resentful in the beginning but slowly settled to the routine albeit grudgingly. 

In the meanwhile, they moved to their own home that was quite some distance from this office. The commute got longer. Diya had to be put in a new creche. The circle of adjustments began again. Hubby, Ashmit, had been very supportive dropping or picking up Diya on his way to or back from work. The other dropping/picking was done by Sheila in her sleep deprived state. Life was very hectic and very tiring. The biggest pain was working most Saturdays and some holidays too. BPOs -- they followed the American holidays not Indian ones! She was under pressure and sometimes wondered why she was doing it. But, she wanted to work. She was qualified and smart. Staying at home was so demeaning.  Besides, she wanted to earn her own money. That was a huge high, wasn't it?

Ashmit got an opportunity for an overseas project for 2 months. He wanted all of them to go together. It would give them an opportunity to see many wonderful places. Things were worked out at his work and at her workplace. After moving heaven and earth, her leave was sanctioned. Off they flew. After a long, long time Shiela was spending so much time with the family and was so very relaxed. She was traveling, meeting wonderful people, and reconnecting with hubby and daughter. Diya was leaving no opportunity to tell mom and dad how much she was enjoying being with them.

Time flew by. Back home, it was her first day back to work. Diya had been crying since she woke up. Sheila herself was feeling depressed. Should she go back to the daily grind and the struggles again? More importantly, should she put her 2-year-old daughter through this again, the nights when she is up crying waiting for her to be back home, the times when she clung to her when she is dropping her to the day school? 

What do you think she ought to do?

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction

Go generic!

Many of us are aware of the difference between generic drugs and branded drugs. For those who are not, generic is the chemical ingredient of the drug and brand name is the particular name by which the drug is sold by individual pharma companies. Just like other branded goods, branded drugs are expensive, sometimes manifold. But unlike clothes, cars, jewellery, drugs do not really offer a show-off value or possession quotient. All one cares for is the drug to alleviate the symptoms it is meant to alleviate and be pure and safe. Hence, paying for the branding of the drug versus a generic is a wasteful expense.

To give an example paracetamol (a common painkiller and fever reducer) is very commonly sold as Crocin in India. In this case, there might not be too much price differential between the brand and the generic. But those who take Tylenol in the US will agree that there is quite a price gap between it and its generic available.

Now, I am not trying to show off my understanding of drugs here. I've known and noticed that doctors regularly prescribe branded drugs (often very costly), offering no perceivable additional benefits as compared to their generic that are priced at a fraction of cost. My dog was prescribed Augmentin 625mg recently as an antibiotic. The cost of 10 tabs is approximately Rs. 440. Its generic counterpart having the same chemical composition (amoxicillin and clavulanate) costs Rs. 108. You see the difference of 3 times, yet 2 doctors prescribed this, and I had to specifically ask the pharmacy to give me the generic.

A month back, my dog was prescribed Nizoral tabs for a fungal infection. I was told to give it for 6 weeks and just 3 days' supply costs Rs. 250 (no exaggeration)! On calling up the vet and cajoling her, she prescribed an alternative grisovin by Glaxo that costed Rs. 15 for a week's dose. This seemed like a huge price difference to me. You will find this happening for many drugs. Do compare the costs of various OTC (over-the-counter) vitamin supplements available at your pharmacist and see for yourself. You might be fleeced and end up paying pharma companies because they are telling your doctor (giving commissions) to prescribe you expensive drugs.

For OTC and commonly used drugs, it would help to check for the generic alternatives. Your pharmacy person can easily guide you, and you can compare the chemical composition along with potency. You can even call up your Doctor, and I've done that many times, and they have told me the generic name when I said that the drug they prescribed is too expensive and the pharmacy person is suggesting an alternative and cross-checking with the doctor if it is fine.

So, demand information, use information, browse the net and don't get fleeced. 

Footnote: Please be careful when buying generic substitutes from unknown pharma companies due to so many fakes available in the market. But many times good generic substitutes from reputed pharma companies are available at a lesser cost as in the examples given above. At least try asking your doctor, most good doctors do give you a substitute. Even good vets give. I have experienced this umpteen times. Many of them are not willing to risk their reputation when their patient insists upon asking for a perfectly acceptable cheaper substitute (if available).

PS: Image courtesy: ddpavumba / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Marriage and its changing dimensions

Yesterday, I was watching this lively debate on TV about whether marriages are sacrosanct anymore? The topic is loaded to say the least :). Were marriages ever sacrosanct, it lead me to think? Yes, they were much more in the past than now. With 6% divorce rates in India, marriage still seems to hold a place of pride in our country. But, this situation is changing slowly but surely especially in our cities. There are many reasons for this change. Growing economic independence of women, more open society that does not view divorce as a taboo anymore, lesser social stigma in alternate relationships like singlehood, divorce or live-ins, and greater opportunity and temptations for both the sexes. 

As was the norm, marriage in India meant that one could have access to a legal physical relationship. Girls of the earlier generations and those belonging to middle-class families would certainly pressure the boys to enter into a wedlock due to family, social and cultural reasons. The boys would have to relent because good girls did not jump into beds before marriage. And, one definitely needed to be married to have kids. Even today the most liberal of couples would tie the knot before having children. The first reason though has taken a backseat due to premarital sex gaining more acceptance yet even in long-term relationships or live ins, there is always a pressure to get married to provide legitimacy to the relationship. That is just the way Indian culture has always been. I don't see that changing drastically any time soon. This might not apply to the richest and the most powerful like in other societies. This is of course in the Indian context. We, in India, take great pride in quoting that there is an almost 50% divorce rate in the US compared to our below-double-digit rates. Does that mean we treasure our marriages more? Are they sacrosanct to all in it? To say yes would mean taking a very parochial view of things.

There are and have been people who have indulged in infidelity. Maybe, earlier things were kept under wraps or the incidents were not discovered or the lesser partner reconciled and kept quiet in the name of honor. Today, they are more out in the open and reported. There could be a variety of reasons for this. Extramarital affairs are on the rise due to explosion in technology that is giving easier access to opportunity; less tolerance or lack of adjustment on the account of partners; partners being more aware of their individual needs, desires and aspirations; women experiencing empowerment, having more financial stability and having more say in their own marriages and so on.

In my opinion, marriage can be a very fulfilling relationship if both partners have mutual trust and respect. They must look at the relationship as a symbiotic, mutually beneficial and dynamic relationship. The relationship needs to be nurtured on realistic expectations and a fair give and take. Marriage changes at every stage, and it is important for the girls not be overly emotional ( read filmy) and for the men not to be overly practical :). I would like to hear your views about it.

It was quite interesting and amusing to watch various points of view on this subject. In this topic, there is no right or wrong but just individual perspective. Like someone said, "One man's marriage is another man's poison." :)

PS: Picture courtesy kongsky/freedigitalphotos.net

Random Rambling

Happy New Year all! Have been away for a while and was busy with other things. I have not been reading your posts so give me some time to catch up. 

Some random questions that I have been thinking about

• Why do kids fall sick one after another no matter how many precautions one takes?
• Why are some people so rude in their manner for no reason? What is the best way to deal with such people, snap back or handle them calmly or show them their place. I would personally love the third one :).

I did watch a few movies in the past days: Bol (Pakistani movie) -- a sad tragic tale but very moving, Allah kay Banday (a crime thriller about kids who turn criminals) -- engrossing, 3 Idiots (again for the umpteenth time) -- I never tire of this one. I read a couple of books too and am midway through "The Litigators" by John Grisham. Just a question -- have you ever felt satisfied reading an Indian author? I read one recently and the word that came to my mind is popcorn fiction. They can be bestsellers, but they make for very pedestrian reading. What could be the reason for that? I hated Arundhati Roy's Booker winner -- she just rambles on and on. Aravind Adiga's book was very dark and depressing -- I guess a formula to win a Booker is to make the jury sleep before they can finish reading. Aatish Taseer really writes in a confusing manner. I just read half of "Noon" and gave it back to the library. Chetan Bhagat -- only liked his first one, resolved not to waste time on reading him anymore after "Two States." 

And no I didn't do anything on New Year's Eve or rather did what I do every year, slept off before 12 :). I just don't have it in me to party till late night. I actually hate noisy parties and hate traveling after midnight on roads filled with drunks. I'd rather have a cozy get together with a few friends or just be at home watching TV or a movie.

We had left Coco (our dog) at a dog boarder's and what do you know -- he has got so many ticks :(. I have to do tick treatment on him now. It is so painful. Every time we are away, Coco has to be boarded and carries some disease or the other. But, it is great to have him back :), my sunny boy!

New Year Resolutions -- Never make any is my policy :). What I have to do or need to do, I will do anyway. 

So, back home and back to work! Hopefully, this year will be better than the last!

Pic courtesy:Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Food memories and Award :)

Nimona

It is winter and very cold in Bangalore these days. It made me remember the food that my mom cooked during the really cold winters of the North during my childhood. Gajar ka halwa was a staple. I also remember that she made a curried dish of peas, and I have been trying to recall its name since many days, only remembering that the name resembled a disease :). Yesterday, it struck me -- Nimona. I know weird name, but I looked up on the internet and found the recipe for the Awadhi Nimona that my mom made. So, I took the recipe that looked closest to the dish (Tarla Dalal one) I remember and made it yesterday. It did turn out pretty decent. Made with crushed peas and potatoes, it tastes different from the normal peas-potato gravy that we cook perhaps due to the sweetness of fresh peas that are coarsely crushed for the gravy. This is not restaurant-type dish but good, wholesome homecooked food. So, hopefully I will continue making it through the winter. You see the picture of my effort above.

Aabha of Daffodils has been kind enough to give me the Christmas Blogging Award. Thank you Aabha! Now, I have to pass it on to 10 different bloggers. This is the most difficult part, and as always I dedicate it to all my blogger friends. I would only like to name one, my son, Siddharth Parmar who has recently started blogging at Rumblings of a Bookworm. So, this one is for you Siddhu. Continue the good work :). I am also supposed to write about 10 interesting posts that I have come across. Again very difficult. I enjoy reading all of you, and how can I choose among my favorites?

So, here's wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Don't have kids!

Yes, you heard right! Please don't have kids if you have no time for them. 

It saddens me when

• A little child is sent unescorted to catch a bus at the bus stop where the child indulges in all kinds of pranks including running in front of moving cars or dangling from dangerous places.
• A sick child is sent to school because no one is at home to take care.
• Small children play unsupervised near manholes, electric poles or poke their fingers in the eyes of a stray animal, likely to attack them back in all probability.
• Bullying kids pull up other kids, many times beating them or abusing them and then become meek and lying children when they are pulled up in front of their parents.
• When a child sits for hours in front of television, numerous gadgets, videogames because who listens to the babysitter or the grandparent. The disciplinarian is missing.
• When a child is pushed to follow a rigorous schedule immediately after coming back home from school read tuitions, numerous classes (the child might be too tired or not even interested in taking them) because they have to be "occupied" till the time parents can come home.

A child is a responsibility of its parents. There are studies to prove that the molding of a child's character, eating habits, morals, behavior etc. happens in early childhood. As an adult, many are fighting off dysfunctional traits as a result of bad habits inculcated during childhood. 

Life is not easy. In homes with both parents working and a nuclear family setup, a child often becomes a liability more often. One good thing about progress is that most of us with privileges have the option not to have children. Please have children if you can devote time, attention and energy to them. Children always need time, not only when they are babies, toddlers, big kids, pre-teens, teens or young adults but always! Their needs change but their requirements from their parents of time, attention and energy stays. So know what you are getting into when you plan kids. Money comes way down in the list of things a child needs. Don't think it will make up for all else that the child is losing in the bargain!

Image courtesy: Vlado / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A Special Day, A Special Post

My blogger friend Zephyr of cybernag.in kindly consented to do a Guest blog post today on my 11th Wedding Anniversary. Zephyr is a grandmother whose blog I've been following for some time now. Her blog posts are full of wisdom and humor, both the qualities I cherish. I feel a connect with her and sometimes her blog posts seem to speak my thoughts. She writes beautifully about relationships, parenting and social issues. Her blog is a must read for anyone looking for balanced posts, anecdotes and lovely experiences. So here goes the blog post she did for me on marriages...

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Give something and get something extra!

It is not about bargains in a store but one in a relationship, especially in a marriage.

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I was discussing about marriages the other day with my friend from Israel who was in town. ‘They divorce in less time than they lived together before they marry. I prefer it when they marry and then begin living together,’ she said adding that sometimes they get married after living together for five or six years harmoniously but divorce within a year after marriage! ‘They lack tolerance -- this generation,’ she said shaking her head. I shook mine in agreement.

Like the L&M and me, she and her husband have been married for 35 years and like all long married couples, has gone through the thick and thin of life learning in the bargain to live and let live, albeit not without tiffs and little fights.

I never tire telling (anyone who would listen) that I deserve a Nobel Prize and an Oscar and all the top awards besides because I tolerate all the idiosyncrasies and exasperating habits of the L&M for so many years, but add in the same breath that only he could have put up with my quirks and annoying habits.

The L&M and I have nothing in common, except the brats of course and then they look like HIM! But I would not exchange him for any Mr. Perfect in the world. Who, but he would put away the washed vessels, a chore I heartily dislike – every single day? Who again, but he would never find fault with me for making some blunder, trying to gloss over it to make me feel better? Who but he would patiently grate ginger for and make tea for me, even if he doesn’t drink anything in the morning? It is another matter that he would crib about it every day. I tell him not to make my tea if he hated it so much, he would still do it because I simply need my cuppa when I wake up and he likes to see my happy face.

So when I need to cook three different kinds of vegetables because he simply loves them and can’t resist buying loads of them every day, I do it with a lot of grumbling, but when I see his face light up at the sight of the dishes, I feel good, even if I have spent two hours in the kitchen cooking them all. That’s what doing things for each other means. We do them to see our spouses happy.

Ever wondered how the earlier generation managed to bring up so many well-adjusted and happy kids? Our mothers didn’t demand equality – they were equal in more ways than the women of today.

Marriage is hard work. It is NEVER a 50:50 relationship. You can’t divide housework equally, you can’t divide responsibility half and half and you can never divide adjustments made by each other equally. The ratio ranges from 60:40 to 90:5. While the former is an ideal situation, the latter is where the relationship is abusive with one very submissive partner. And mind you, though the submissive one is largely the woman, even men are the victims. But social conditioning and other factors make them silent sufferers since any publicity would only make them the object of ridicule and not sympathy or pity.

The reason we find so many unhappy couples today is because their egos get hurt by making any compromise or giving in to the other partner however trivial the issue is. ‘Why should I give in?’ they demand. I agree that one shouldn’t give in if the demands are demeaning, unreasonable or outright cruel. But when they are a matter of just simple give and take, what is the harm? Why make a big deal of small things? If one were to go by the kind of complaints one hears from spouses, one is shocked. The issues in question are ‘not worth a pinch of salt’, as we say in Tamil.

It is so easy to start a fight over trivial things and then turn them into ego hassles which blow up in a couple’s faces before they know it and we find them standing in opposite cages in front of the judge in a divorce court.

Whether it is an arranged marriage or love marriage (including one where the couple has lived together) a sense of déjà vu sets in once the honeymoon is over. The new environs, the added responsibilities and being on their own/with their in-laws – all bring in their own set of adjustments and compromises.

Ever tried doing any of the following?

• He likes to meet his friends once in a way and you happily tag along, even making your best efforts to enjoy it without commenting about them adversely lest he feels hurt.
• She likes to unwind by shopping and you accompany her enthusiastically even though there is a crucial football tie on the telly  and you don’t breathe a word about it to her lest she felt guilty.
• Invite her parents over for a fortnight because she wants them even when you are neck-deep in a project and politely listen to the old man’s boring conversation and exclaim enthusiastically at her mother’s cooking when you are hard pressed for time.
• Go out of the way to be nice to his sister whom you are not too fond of, because he dotes on her and you love the look of happiness on his face.   

Go on, substitute your own situations here and make a list, marking each as A (felt good) or B (Felt lousy and put upon). When the As outnumber the Bs, you have a happy spouse and a happy spouse means a happy family and we all know what that means. Don’t be surprised by the reactions. They sometimes can be more pleasant than you dreamt of in your wildest dreams.

Marriage is not about one-upmanship or about controlling each other. Give some, get some and if required, give some extra. It is this extra that the spouses give each other that make for enduring relationships and happy marriages.

Rachna dear, wish you and your husband of 11 years Many happy returns of the day.

 Image courtesy: Tom Clare?freedigitalphotos.net

Addons:

How we met 

http://www.rachnaparmar.com/2009/11/my-knight-in-shining-armor.html