This post is published in DNA Mumbai newspaper dated 10.9.2012 at this link:
Don’t hurt me no more!
Don’t hurt me no more!
My previous maid walked in one day with a black eye and black cheek. When asked, she said that her husband had punched her. My first reaction was of anger. I was aware that her husband was an alcoholic, had lost hearing in one ear and regularly beat her. She was working to make ends meet for herself and her 4-year-old son. I asked her to file a police complaint to which she said no. The next day, I provided her the numbers of some good women’s helplines. I offered to make the call for her, but she refused. She did take the numbers from me and said she would call later. She and I both knew that she would not make the call.
The maid before that was very matter-of-fact that men beat women. It was normal. Her husband used to beat her in the early days of her marriage. Today, he was off alcohol and never raised his hand on her. She had to discontinue working because she had an internal injury due to years of beating and was now unable to bend or lift heavy things. The doctor advised her rest. She is all of 40 and already a grandmother!
An affluent couple that I know of has a son and a daughter, both teens. The husband beats his wife when angry, how often I don’t know. The wife has never admitted to it. I got to know of it when accidentally their child spoke about it and then hushed up in embarrassment.
A well-educated lady with two children has no say in her home affairs. Initially, in her marriage, she was beaten by her in-laws. The husband does not hit her, but he is controlling, has strayed many times, yet she lives with him for the sake of her children. The weird part is that she has parental support but has spurned offers for help. She works in the family business. She actually stopped speaking to her family at the behest of the husband.
These are all true cases. I am not writing this to express disbelief at how this is happening. Domestic abuse is not something that I am shocked about. It prevails in all sections of society both in India and abroad. I am wondering what can be done about it.
There was an incident of a maid’s husband hitting his wife when drunk when she was working in my father’s house during my childhood. My father was really upset. He warned the husband that he will be cooling his heels in jail if he ever hit his wife again. That man never laid a finger on his wife for all the time that she worked with us. It helped that they stayed in the servant quarters attached to our home and that dad was very capable of carrying out his threat and in a position of power. So, does pulling up the errant person help? In this case, it did.
But, it might not succeed always. Most of the perpetrators will never agree to counseling or to speaking with their wife’s employers. The in-laws will in most cases not support the woman if she talks of taking any action including speaking to an NGO against the husband even if they sympathize with her fate otherwise. Her parents might dissuade her too for the sake of “izzat.” So, she will continue getting beaten up in her miserable existence in the hope that someday, her husband might see the light of the day.
In our more affluent strata of society, it is more alarming because we hide; we suffer silently but project a happy picture to the world. Why are capable, financially independent women putting up with this? Most claim for the sake of their children? I doubt it. I think kids are better off not rescuing their mothers from a drunken or beating father. I think it is more related to not upsetting the applecart, social conditioning, and also face loss among peers and society. How does one help an educated person who does not seek help?
Now, I have no answers how we must address this situation because I thought financial independence was supposed to safeguard a woman from abuse. But, the issue is much more complex and multi-dimensional.
Do you have any suggestions how we can help someone suffering from domestic abuse?
Picture courtesy: Freedigitalphotos.net
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Thought provoking post, Rachna… kudos to your dad for helping your servant out by warning her abusive husband.
The problem lies in the way so many men are brought up, in this country…. their supposed ‘superior status’ is drummed into their heads since childhood by none other than their own mothers and sisters. Many have an enormous sense of entitlement. Why would such men bother to adopt a fairer outlook when the current system suits their needs so well?
The existing mindset cannot be changed overnight, but we, as the next generation can make a conscious effort to bring our sons up to be better men. To discourage the patriarchal system, which causes nothing but misery to all but the few who benefit from it.
At this point, only laws and regulations can help. We, as women, should be willing to extend a hand to other women in abusive situations.
The problem lies with not only the conditioning of men but women as well. Where men are aggressive, they have been brought up by both parents to expect a superior status. It is okay for them to let go. They behave like lord and masters and expect others to fall in line. You are right; this feudal kind of mindset will take a long time to change. Similarly, women need to take charge of their lives at least those that have their family’s backing and financial independence. Thanks for such an insightful comment, Ash!
Agree, Rachna… even women need to be brought up as equals, not second citizens. I forgot to add one thing… parents must EMPOWER their daughters and instill a sense of INDEPENDENCE within them – financial and emotional – so that these women are confident enough to walk out and report such abusive husbands and in laws.
I completely agree. I feel both you and me can say that we are confident women today because of the upbringing that we got from our parents. My dad always tells me, “Adjustment is desired, but never compromise on your self respect!”
I guess it all starts at home. We as parents need to set a good role model by reducing our temper tantrums. If we constantly raise our voice and then our hands children will learn to do the same. If for once we are caught doing so, the only resolve is to quickly apologize and explain how we had handled things were quite wrong, instead of trying to justify our actions.
It all starts at home the little discrimination between sister and brother, the temper flare ups, the loss of control that the young child witnesses and later imbibes. Parents consider it a right to raise their hands on their kids.
What I say is appalling but true. Most households accept it as a norm. The men show their dominance this way since women are told to be submissive and tolerating. Its more a shock to know its not limited among poor or illiterate. How do we stop this?
Well, educate the women to know her rights; to differentiate what is acceptable and whats not. Let her know she has equal rights. But how is the question
Yes, totally agree! They are expected to show who is the boss, and they feel it is no big deal to hit their wives. After all they do the same to the kids too! How do we transform the mental conditioning of women to say no to abuse? How? Very valid points you make, Bindu!
I have no solution, it is the woman who should be willing to take some action, but unfortunately, she is compelled to lead life as it is for various reasons already put by you.
The educated ones can, and even the ones with parental support can do, but if they still don’t do, means there is some reason for it.
As the saying goes: ” one can only show where the water is to a horse, one cannot make a horse drink it.”
I also scratch my head and wonder why would a financially independent, educated woman put up with this? I know it is difficult to comment on someone else’s situation, but how can a husband and wife live this way?
Excellent post Rachna.
We see it all the time! If only the women stop being submissive , and start raising hands, the men will stop . The maids should go and complain to police. They do help in counselling the husbands. I have seen it here in Hyderabad.
As for educated class is concerned, the woman has to come out and state her sufferings , publicly , and in family circles. Then only it stops.
But our women , oh, they wont, but will suffer for various reasons. Even Meena Kandasamy did that na!
Thank you Pattu! I don’t know if hitting back will help or might even exacerbate an already bad situation. I think saying a firm no and walking away from the situation till things cool down might be better. Yes, police complaint or at least complaint to the family and friends should be an option. Totally agree with you. Ghar par maar khao but baahar muskurao!
Between a quarter and a third of all women experience some form of domestic violence from the male partner. The rich and poor,literate and illiterate..all. Almost half of all murders of women are committed by their male partner, usually after a long period of domestic violence. (The British Medical Journal January 1995) reported that women subjected to physical abuse are more likely to report mental health problems including attempts at suicide.
Domestic violence also includes men getting battered !
Times have changed. I don’t find a reason why women have to get beaten up and bear it.There are many places where they can report the crime, including police stations.
Financial independence gives good freedom for women for women to walk out and lead independent lives. Poor,illiterate women might suffer this because they dont have many options.
I agree with you. I wonder the same. Put an end to the ignominy. Walk out! Thank you for the grim statistics. It is a sad situation that prevails globally.
Very sad Rachna. And I’ve never even heard of someone’s in-laws doing it. The solution? I would certainly leave the guy but I know it’s not always that simple.
I know, I would too, and it is definitely not easy to do so. But we also know that abuse will repeat if not tackled properly.
Rachana,I have seen similar cases…more than one.
In one particular case,it is my wife who took up the case and helped the victims.
But,how many cases can be helped by individuals.?
Though it might sound silly,in my opinion,women must take the bull by the horn instead of being Bhartiya Naari.
Hit back
Hit back and make sure that no one can touch you. Kudos to your wife for helping out. I had seen the same done by my dad on two occasions. How can some people be such animals?
One of my maids used to be a victim of physical abuse too. Illiterate people suffering at the hands of husband or in-laws can at least be understood to an extent but I don’t know what makes educated people put up with such inhuman behaviour. Kids and society seem too flimsy an excuse in the light of such horrendous life.
You have summarized it beautifully, Uma! Thanks for your comment.
Hi Rachna
Very nice post Rachna . Beating a wife is considered as the right of the husband in some parts of our society . Guess the women should get trained in some martial arts and start hitting back . That’s the only way out . There is no help like self help !
I think mental strength is also required here. A woman must know how to put a stop to this behavior. In certain things, there can be no compromise.
I will not take any names , But I remember one day one of the Male members of my family who had just come from abroad, took a step to hit my mum, and I did what anyone shud do, I picked my hockey stick and He got a beating of his life.
My mum was actually asking me to stop, I mean I could not beleive it , Had I not done anything my mum would have just accepted it …
I guess that is how the women folk are brought up in our country, and I have also seen a lot of so called bloggers and leaders (females, who have gone throug that, They may say whatever but in their house they do get beat)..
this has to change NO one has the right to hit anyone,
Bikram’s
God Bless you, Bikram! You did good. You completely showed us how women are just conditioned to tolerate. And, I totally agree about what you are saying about some rabid bloggers or leaders who put up a very strong exterior, but are actually putting up a false front. I know one thing; no man can hit me and get away with it. I will surely break his bones and even get him behind bars. You know how Scorpions are!
oh yes 🙂 and no one shud be allowed to get away with it …
Rachna,
The most unfortunate part is that a woman suffers silently and secretly inspite of laws because of what will the society say issue. I agree with you that it is not an issue which can be resolved easily but however we need to raise level of awareness in public that domestic violence needs to be shunned. I will give it a thought and see if I can find some more measures to curb it.
Take care
Thank you Jack!
I believe, you can still control it for the domestic helps who are dependent on you, so a threat may work (like what your father did), but for friends and acquaintances, I doubt that can happen due to various reasons. The step has to be taken by the woman who is subjected to DV!
I agree that it is much more difficult to even broach the topic with close friends and relatives. Most of them feign ignorance!
Rachna,
yes.. this is a very serious problem. “Traditionally” woman in general and Indian woman in particular tends to be submissive to the violent behavior of men, to which I cant agree anyway..
By the way..did u mean “Dont hurt me more” or Dont hurt me no more”?
Traditionally, yes but at least modern ones can try living a life of dignity. The title is inspired by the famous song :).
Sometimes women just stick on with this problem “for the sake of children”, “for the sake of society”, “for the sake of..wTF” I don’t know! It’s very difficult to change the mindset of these women. I am certainly not blaming them; These women who go through domestic abuse – are the most determined people. They sacrifice, be patient, yet determined for the sake of their children’s wellbeing. Kudos to them! But they should be educated, trained on how to stop domestic abuse. They don’t need to give back, but least, they need to defend themselves.
Since more information is available in the media, over the net and as case studies, I hope that they read about it and take action to make their life better.
It’s bit scary to accept such reasons but it’s a indigestive truth that still there are husbands who never ever understand womens patiences n love
I think a man who raises his hand on his wife has the lowest respect in my eyes. I’d rather that the woman did something to help herself instead of hoping that he gets okay.
It goes much deeper than it seems. Like the examples you have provided clearly prove, financial independence doesn’t have much to do with it. May be it is do with the conditioning, may be it has something to do with what the society would label you as. But it’s just beyond me. Why do some women accept it as their fate and suffer in silence?
I wonder why as well :(!
A very complex issue and no easy solutions as no two homes are alike in terms of economic conditions, level of education etc. The more distressing part is that the educated and well off endure the crime makes the husband and in-laws even bolder:(
I agree, Rahul! The more one endures, the more encouraged the other party gets to repeat the behavior :(.
i personally feel that no one can do anything unless the victim stands up and start retaliating….
I agree!
It happens everywhere Rachna even in affluent households and the soultion is only that one has to stand for oneself. No once can help the victim unless she makes it a point to get up and take no further. Helplines are also a good way to go.
Thought provoking post.
I know some NGOs are doing marvelous work in this area. I wonder how to convince someone to make that call? Thank you Jas.
Only beating I have seen in my family is my grandmother beating my grandfather. Hailing from a family of dominant women I fail to relate to this problem.
Thank you The Fool for visiting my space. Either way, it is not desirable that adults hit each other :).
I may have told you before that a close friend of mine heads a Domestic Abuse clinic over here. Her role is to put women and children into protective custody whilst their abusive partners are prosecuted – the violence these women suffer is unimaginable. It is true that the majority of her clients are women of poor education, drug addicts, prostitutes (I’m not judging merely stating a fact) but there are also many ‘ordinary’ women there too. All of the men in these cases exercises the trait which you write about – isolating the women from those who love her and would help her if they only could. The thing we need to do is try to educate women to recognise those traits, before it is too late.
Thank you Jane. You offered some great advice here. Looks like isolation is the strategy that works with abusers.
It’s sad when we know it’s happening and can do nothing to help unless they help themselves. In the case of the maids, it’s easier – one can go to their husband’s employer/ community head and exert pressure. But as you said with people who are affluent it’s so much harder.
Thank you Corinne! You have expressed well the helplessness I feel in such situations. Sometimes, I feel it is none of my business, but can you really turn yourself away from someone close to you even if they stop communicating with you? 🙁
I totally understand what you are saying. That surprises me too many times. The educated ones, affluent ones take it. I believed that financial independence changes everything. But NO. A big NO. Nothing changes Rachna. Life is the same. Men are the same. I believ what happens with us indian women at least is, kids is the first binding factor, if not the kids, then financial independence. If both are not the obstacles, then the morale of these women. They are emotionally so hurt that they lose themselves in the process of sustaining. They get used to living with the person, they feel that if they come out, what’s going to happen. How r they going to manage everything? Their self confidence is lost long time back. Hence they take it. If you say a dog is mad every day, everyone thinks it’s really mad. The same case with women. They are treated like as if they are fit for nothing. They come to believe it that they are really fit for nothing.Though the beatings are not common in every educated household, I bet it happens atleast once in a woman’s life. Solution: women, speak up. Don’t take it. Give it back once, you won’t have to take it again. When you have help, use it. Be it parents, siblings or friends. If you don’t, you are nothing but just STUPID. There is a lot you can do better than men. Sorry Rachna, I didn’t think I would end up in a long comment. I get too….when I read topics like this…:)
I totally agree with your points especially those about the woman feeling useless because it has been hammered in her repeatedly. Also the fear of the new could be a reason. But, I don’t agree that every woman at least goes through one beating in her lifetime. There are many many women who live a life of dignity with their other halves without being hit ever including me.
I agree. I would correct it as many women, not every woman..sorry about the misstatement..:)
I thought as much that you must have meant many and not every; thanks for clarifying :).
You are right it prevails in all sections of society and now this issue is multi- dimensional. I think worst case is middle class who have their family reputation at stake, God knows why! The best way is to stand yourself and tell your husband that you won’t bear this as silence gives him more strength (applies to family as well.) Also when you don’t speak, you are taken for granted.
Thought provoking article.
Spamming, I delete few comments every now and then myself.
Totally agree Saru! Silence gives strength to the perpetrator as well as worsens your own self-esteem. Thank you for your views. And spammers, don’t ask! There was this website that kept posting its advertising as comment. I removed it 3 times, reported spam and even left a message on their website :(.
to my mind a women has to be strong and independent .. that should be the environment at home to raise any kid.
helpline is second thing ,,a person has to be strong to call to call helpline so basically its all the upbringing that matters!
Exactly Harman! Help is around but you have to be strong enough to reach out to the help available.
Sometimes the uneducated and even illiterate stand up better than the so called educated ones crushed under false pride and fear of society. I know of many maids who have left home to make a life for themselves or have thrown out their men who drank and beat them up without earning any money. This is not confined to our society alone, either. There are any number of cases in the west where this is very common too and the reactions similar. It is a form of perversion.
At least the illiterate talk about their circumstances openly. Most among us will try to project a very rosy picture at home while undergoing a lot of stress. We all have fights with our partners, sometimes pretty intense ones too but hitting is just not acceptable. Not once not ever! I agree that it prevails everywhere. The abuser gets away by using apology or guilt or isolating you from your family or by playing on your insecurities.
Children get a very lopsided view of what a marriage should be if they continue to stay in a house where the father hits the mother. Small wonder that the woman stays in the relationship if she has seen the same thing happening in her childhood.If only this thought would get into her head, a lot of women would leave “for the sake of the children”
A very pertinent point you made. Children continue to pick up cues in the house where the mother is ill treated and takes a beating. They are in a danger of imbibing similar behavior when they grow up– male ones in beating and female ones in staying oppressed. Wish they would understand.
First an applause for the post..Mellow but hard-hitting, I couldn’t stop nodding my head in agreement.
Sad, the amount of indignity women put up with because they are afraid to venture into the unknown.
Sorry, such women do not have my sympathy.
Thank you Purba! Coming from you, it really means a lot to me. Unfortunately as sad as their situation is, those who refuse to seek help or take action are rated very poorly by me as well.
good to see such relevant posts for todays world….
thanks you Ashok!
So good for your father. Men like him are a rarity. Class never matters here, as you have elucidated. Awareness among women that domestic violence is indeed a troublesome issue has to be created.
Thank you, cloud nine! People like my dad are indeed a rarity.
Leaving marriage is not an easy thing. One, is the social sanction against wives who leave their husbands. Two, is the system is not set up to protect. There is no easy access to DV shelters which can protect women. Women also need to be able to take care of themselves after walking out-often they dont. Even if they are educated, sometimes they dont have access to financial documents, identity papers, legal papers. Also legally, father’s signature and info is required everywhere. So children suffer when mother walks out. I am currently helping a woman who is very very smart to deter her husband from beating her anymore. Although I have called her several times and talked to her, I know that decision to to go and meet a DV counselor and at least talk is a hard one! I am myself a DV survivor and it took me a long time to step out. When I tried to–I remember my neighbor saying I should keep family fights inside the house. Anyways, here is my post on how and what did not let me walk out of violence: http://tillingtheearthwoman.blogspot.in/2012/03/remembering-silence.html
Thank you Bhavana for providing perspective. Since I have not been in this situation, I look at the issue outside in. You have brought some practical inputs into it. Society is changing slowly, but around me I see divorcees and single women more often. More parents are open to their daughters leaving their husbands. And, if father’s information is required, so be it. Children should be allowed to meet with the father and get an opportunity to form their own relationship with dad despite the sourness of the relationship between parents. I think it will help if you make the commitment to yourself to not suffer abuse. I know for a fact that no matter how painful it will be, I will not stand someone raising their hands on me. Life might get difficult for a while, financially and emotionally, but I will survive and bring up my kids too if I ever face that situation. All it needs is confidence in oneself and the understanding that life is too precious to be frittered away over someone who doesn’t even offer you the most basic dignity in an intimate relationship. I also ask you — why doesn’t an educated woman have access to her identity papers and financial documents? Even the courts give maintenance if the wife is financially dependent, and DV laws are not strict. Despite all this, if an educated, earning woman wrings her hands in despair, then the blame has to rest on her. Even if a woman is not working, she is a human being and must be a functional one at that. Having a bank account, being aware of finances and doing basic things are crucial for a woman. Why let yourself be spoon fed or over dependent in a marriage?
It is really sad issue that impacts us most of time being an observer.
Thank you Neelam!