Life is all about expectations. Expectations with oneself, with one’s partner, with one’s children, and so on. And, what are these expectations culled from? Sometimes, sources as vague as movies, magazines, other’s experiences, and books. What most of us don’t realize is that the world around us is one of make believe. All of us are projecting an image. People have expectations from relationships based upon the books they read or the movies they see. Come on, in real life, it does not work that way. Can I look dreamy eyed around my husband all the while, perfectly made up and smiling. I cannot! So, can I expect him to be lovey dovey and romantic all the time like the movies. Of course, not. Remember movie stars are paid to do that :). They wouldn’t be doing all that for their wives or girlfriends, you can be sure. And, these scams are perpetuated and successfully run by greeting card companies, jewelry makers etc. and influencing the minds of the young to behave in a particular way.
In magazines and books, you see reed-thin models, and you embark upon desperate measures to become slim, sometimes dangerous ones like fad dieting adversely affecting your health. It has become maniacal this obsession with looks. What we don’t realize is that most of these people are miracles of cosmetic surgery, advances in make up, lighting and extraordinary clothes. See them in real life, and you might need to run for cover :). Please be realistic about what is healthy and what makes you look good.
It is important to separate the fiction from reality. Somewhere in the rush to demand, we are all forgetting to give, to forgive, and as a result are leaving permanent fissures in our relationships. Never say that I miss those initial days of dating or marriage. Ok, you may say that but don’t go into depression feeling that something must have gone wrong for you not to stay perpetually in that first flush of love. I remember a blogger said that those were just the trailers or the best portions of the movie. When you actually live a life together, it is the actual movie, which plays out with all its flaws and its beauty. The problem does not lie with the movie but in our expectations. So get real, and life does become so much more fun and enjoyable :).
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I feel expectations just give pain. But it is also a fact that we cannot live without expectations.
And yews I miss the initial days of marriage when everything was a discovery 😉
but i know ppl who get the perfect husband dear. so how can we avoid comparing.
@bbsearchingself It is impossible to live without expectations, unless you are a saint, which you and I are not :). But, if we have unrealistic expectations then definitely we set ourselves up for pain and disappointment. What is realistic would be defined by you and your situation, and it can vary drastically from mine. Yes, we all miss the most beautiful moments of our life but remember them fondly to recharge yourself. Don’t let the memories make you brood or feel sad about the present.
@Vani What is perfect just like beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder :). And, I maintain that unless one lives with that perfect person one can never say how the perfect exterior changes so much within the confines of the home or the bedroom. How can any perfect person live with an imperfect person like our ourselves? The trick lies in reaching for that balance of imperfections and perfections.
I agree with what you say. Expectations need to be there and realistic in nature. One can not be too demanding with the lives that we lead, and the immense shortage of time for many things.
I think always remembering and doing something special once in a while helps to make up for everything which seems normal in between. I hope I made some sense…
My first visit here Rachna – I see this post follows on from a general theme I have noticed … I see coming up to that most cynical of celebrations Valentines Day! A very interesting post.
When I knew my current girlfriend for a couple of months, we did an ‘expectations test’ from the book Fighting for your marriage by Dr. Howard J. Markman. It’s a 25-odd questions test, which you fill in independently, then compare answers.
It goes into detail about what you expect from your significant other in a marriage. There’s questions about finances, cleaning up, doing things together, children, family et cetera.
SO true EXPECTATIONS is nothing but a invitation to pain.. I remember on one of my posts you had said that 🙂
which is very true.. REAL life is very different from REEL life .. but what we can do to make it happy is that we should maybe treat each other as we want to be treated ouserself then life would be better …
I guess in every relation as we start to know each other better we also find the faults and its those faults that we keep looking at more .. maybe thats a reason for problems …
Bikram’s
True. The most satisfied person is the one who lives with least number of expectations..What we see around us make us to expect the same things happen in our life also. But, when we take lessons from advertisements and movies instead of real life, we might get trapped in such pitfalls that you mentioned.
I don’t know if expectations really come from movies and books. I mean, they might influence us but at the end, the expectations come from what our inner needs. There are so many things I read about which are quite intriguing but I don’t necessarily expect them from life or from other people, because its just not my preference.
But yes, expectations are a big driving forces in making and breaking of any relations.
Don`t expact anything from others…….
“Easy to say , hard to apply”
Indian Sushant
@Aathira Of course, you made a lot of sense. Doing something fun and adventurous in the middle of the mundane routine can really charge one up. At other times, take the routine with gratefulness. We only realize the importance of routine when we go through crises. Anyway, I am deviating here. I totally agree that expectations and realistic ones are essential.
@jane Thanks so much for visiting. Though, it might seem that this is actually related to Valentine’s Day, I actually was not thinking that way. Relationships fascinate me! And, though I am a person with many flaws, I do try to understand more about relationships to make my own life happier.
@Bikram Okay, at least that shows that my thought process is consistent :), as I have already something similar on your blog post. Both your points are very valid. Yet, sometimes we may treat another as we would like to be treated, but the other might not be able to appreciate that behavior. Also, familiarity does breed contempt. I mean we all have maximum fights with our parents, siblings or kids too, right? The only difference among partners is the difference in upbringing and experiences over a lifetime before they came into each other’s life which determines their behaviors and expectations.
@Tomz I agree with your point of view. Realistic yardsticks would yield realistic expectations and less pain.
@Raaji And you are one of the mature ones who can separate reality from fiction. You are right, expectations are extremely crucial in the success of relationships.
@sushant Of course not. No one is saying don’t have expectations. That is practically impossible. What is possible is having realistic expectations.
Very thought provoking post. I agree in our modern world we are too temped by surrounding. Movie stars are like ideals to all and we try to copy them from hairstyle to behaviors. As you said all on screen thing are fiction and can’t be true in real life.
@Talha Thank you. You are right, and I feel similarly.
living without expectations from any relation is like walking on a rough road, but once you walk through, that leads to the heights of greatness….
but its all bookish i think its just not possible to live without expectation in life… but yaa, there is a very thin line between fact and fiction which has to be taken care of while expecting some thing from some one…
Regards,
irfan
separate the fiction from reality
well said
Well said Girl.
Happy Valentine’s day Rachna.
@irfanuddin No expectations is certainly not possible. All I am saying is that be realistic in your expectations.
@sm Thank you.
@Agnes Thanks and wish you the same. Make sure that you are surrounded by your loved ones this VD.
I hate expectations.
I’m not that old, just 25, and I already did plans for life twice but everything got wrong.
I am in my third time now, begining from the zero again. And you know, I do not want to have anymore expectations.
If I could I would love to live without make plans, without have expectations, just worrying with survive today.
But I know things aren’t this way. You need to have plans, you need to look for something, have some point of arrival and thus create expectations for each day and, especially, it is necessary to have resistance to frustration, for they appear.
Today, when I see a movie or read a book ( I like drama ) I just try to get happy or enchanted with the beauty of it all ( the scenarios, the actors, the plot ) because somedays, it’s just there where I can get some sense and beauty to live with, it’s just there where I can see some expectations getting realized.
Expectations are a necessary evil.
You just need to learn to live when they don’t happen as you have planed!
Sorry if I take a bit away from the main theme of your post but I couldn’t help to think other thing while I was reading!
@David And so these things don’t have blanket solutions. Everyone bases their expectations on their experiences. You had two bad experiences, so naturally you are bitter, and in a space where you want to live in the present. But, once you are in a comforting relationship, trust me you will have expectations! That is normal. Just base them in reality. I found your point about finding fulfillment of expectations only in books and movies fascinating. Yes, escapism is also an important reason for indulging in these past times. Just don’t try to live those events in your life. And, as you said, be fine if things don’t work out as planned. Fairy tales only exist in stories; they just do not happen in reality. I actually liked reading your comment as it offers a lateral perspective to me. As you and I know, when it comes to these issues, there is no right or wrong.
very well said…a realistic outlook
I guess many bloggers are getting wise each day!
well written Rachna! this captured my interest from beginning to end! Loved and and shared with friends.
Yes it starts with reading all that mushy M&Bs, wanting a tall dark handsome man if he had a scar all the better.From there it starts and goes on never ending. But that is life it is fun to watch our expectations fall apart like a pack of cards. Do we learn anything : a big NO.
I don’t know I have had expectations that have come to their logical conclusion, and some that have gone haywire.
But lately I have stopped expecting anything and just let life unfold itself in its own surprising ways, and I find that everything is happening without my asking. I only hope all the young people out there don’t have to wait till they come to my age to experience this truth.
@Jon Well, thank you. I guess we do get wiser along the way for a variety of reasons.
@Emmy Thank you so much for your warm words and support.
@rama That’s interesting. Yes, we pretty much start dreaming of a tall, dark, handsome man just like M&B or a bulging-muscles hero like a Salman or Hrithik for today’s teens. Sometimes, it is fun, sometimes heartbreaking when such expectations shatter. Maybe, one then learns to be realistic and takes it in one’s stride or wallows in self pity. It is better to read and be aware of how life actually works in reality.
You are so right Rachna. We all know the truths that you have described. And yet, we continue to have expectations of people. They should do this, they should go here, they should do that for me. Naturally, nobody can live upto expectations which are not their own. And then you get disappointed. And that leads to a lot of heartache and bad blood. Loss of mental peace. In recent times, I try to be more accepting of people. Its very difficult and I fail more than I succeed.
@Deepa And, I feel the same way. I am also trying to be less critical and demanding of others. I also fail, but I am genuinely trying. It really does make one stay happier. Sometimes, the simplest things are so difficult to achieve. But, I do believe that being aware does make a difference.
Expectations are the biggest teachest teachers in any relationship. You become involved and start to expect, even pregnancy is called ‘expecting’, and then you are happy or unhappy when each is delivered, undelivered or not quite what you wished.
All this masala is what life is about or we would have just seers and sadhu and maybe couple of lamas:P
@The Holy Lama And the lama spoke well :).
What Rachna says is good but I suggest keep the expectation less. Lesser the better. No expectations is the best.
Expectations lead life.Hope is the way.When we stop dreaming and expecting,life loses the luster.
Like I always say,there is no perfect situation in life.Happiness never waits at the end of the road. Learn to take it in tiny bites,all along.
@Shiirazi Thank you for your visit and your thoughtful comment. Realistic expectations in moderation is good!
@dr. antony I would accept your wisdom. There is nothing perfect in life. And, things change according to people and circumstances, yet being rooted in reality is always a positive.
Agree. But it is human to have reasonable expectations. The right dose needs to be worked out…..a dash extra and the trouble begins.
Exactly. Expect more and set yourself for pain.
Expectations make life interesting. Without expectations at all, it will be boring. Better expect, hope for the best and deal with the worst. It does take time and few heartaches to attain this.:-)
Nice philosophy Pattu :). I have the most expectations from my own self and they are lower with others. Reduces my room to crib :).
We all have expectations from every relationship that we are in… we expect our children to behave in a certain way, we have expectations from our spouses, friends, even parents… but as you rightly mentioned, the buzz word is ‘realistic expectations’. Problems arise when we expect more than what the other person is willing to do or is capable of doing so!