Samvedna had always been a prolific blogger. She had an opinion on everything, and most people loved her fiery, no-nonsense approach to issues. Her blog was pretty popular as well, and she wrote regularly on women’s issues. Her sense of humor was especially appealing, even scathing at times. She was vociferous about the khap diktats, women molestation, and rape cases. Her indignation touched a chord with many. She was a working professional and had a family where she had a teenage daughter and a doting husband. She was very clear that her daughter would be brought up like a modern Indian woman free of any biases or discrimination.
In her apartment complex also lived the family of a bureaucrat. These people were an extreme nuisance. They had two grown up sons in their early 20s who were high on power from their dad’s position. They had a gang of boys who would hang around at various open spaces in the apartment complex in the evenings. They normally did not mingle, and others stayed away from them. One evening her teenaged daughter, Sheena, was coming back from her art class. One of these boys passed a lewd comment to which Sheena retorted in anger. One comment led to another when suddenly one of the boys said something very nasty and demeaning and then caught her hand. Sheena was suddenly terrified; she was in a secluded stretch, and there were 4 boys. She shook her hand from his grip and ran home. Tears filled her eyes at this unexpected turn of events.
She only began breathing normally when she rang her doorbell. She immediately hugged her mom and broke into tears and told her all that had transpired. Samvedna was shaking in anger. She waited for her husband, Monish, to come home. They anxiously discussed what they must do next. Finally considering the position of the boys’ family and the political clout and influence that they enjoyed, they decided not to raise their voice. They felt that the family was anyway not going to do or say something against their own kids. Besides they were prudent enough to know that no one else would stand up for them. She, anyway, had the reputation of a “rebel” in her society. They, however, agreed that one of them would drop and pick up Sheena every day to avoid this situation recurring in the future.
Do you think Samvedna and Monish were practical in their handling of the situation? What would you have done in similar circumstances? Are we quick to point fingers at others in similar extenuating circumstances?
Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction based upon a true incident.
Pic courtesy: freedigitalphotos.net
Excellent question raised. Waiting to see the response.
I wish you had given your opinion too. Was interested in seeing what you thought of the topic.
I am not activist even in my posts. I generally would not get into a conflict situation unless I am geared up for a long haul. I can see everyone. Lot of people are advocating action. From what you say, possibly your Samvedhaa would have also advocated action if you had written the story about someone else.
Karthik I didn’t quite understand the comment. I wasn’t pointed fingers at you or any other blogger. I was merely trying to bring out that often what we advocate is not so easy to act upon in real life circumstances. I knew that most people would advocate action. I liked the real life example that Ritu has shared. I don’t have any such experience to share personally. I can only talk hypothetically. What I’ve seen are powerful people who think that they are above society’s norms and morals. I wonder if it is possible for common people to raise voices against such folks with connections. For all you know, they might make life even more miserable for the family and force them to relocate. Is it always apathy that stops us from acting as is often assumed by others?
You had asked me to give my opinion. So I explained why I did not express an opinion. I take a non confrontational approach to life unless it is really critical to me and I feel I have the time and resources for a pitched battle to the end. So I mentioned keeping in line with that, I never advocate activism even in my posts, though I appreciate people who indulge in activism.
Thank you for clarifying. I respect your approach.
By not acting on this incident, the parents have done more harm. They boy gets away, and feels he can be more bold. Where that will end?
The parents were behaving cowardly.Thought the boys family is known for highhandedness, it is time the affected parties express their feelings, albeit, passively. A calm approach is warranted here.They could have gathered their extended family, and met the parents. A crowd is always better in this case.
I think the parents should have met the boy’s family and explained their anxiety.What if the other tenants do not stand up? . They need not fight, but meet the father and mother and explain their stress.
Even if the boy’s parents do not accept the guilt, they will , surely feel small. That itself will put a small brake on the boys?
It is better to confront passively , than not say anything at all and accept the bullying?
I agree with two parts of your approach — approach in a calm manner and take more people along with you. At least the numbers will give them a feeling of security. I cannot comment about others, but if that had happened to my daughter, I would not just let it go. I would surely raise the topic with the parents.
A very difficult situation indeed. I would say that despite the possible risks the family should speak to the bureaucrat and his sons.
I agree Corinne though I have personally seen powerful people who look menacing and sort of send really intimidating signals. Maybe, that deterred the parents.
I agree with Corinne. I faced a similar situation, a boy in my son’s class (they were in 8th) touched my son inappropriately. Initially my son kept changing his seat and being non confrontational but the situation escalated. The boy was the son of a high level IPS officer. Once when the other boy accosted him in the toilet and threatened him with a “Oblige or I’ll set my driver and gunman on you”, my son told me. I took up the issue with the school authorities and also threatened to speak up publicly. The IPS guy was called to school and was deeply embarrassed because I gave him a graphic account of his son’s behavior. My son hated me for days, but he was left alone after that. One has to, otherwise the situation gets worse
You did great, Ritu! I am so proud of you. We need parents who stand up for their kids. It is sometimes intimidating if the person is a powerful one but like your example showed, keeping quiet surely makes matters worse.
They should have spoken to the boys parents.
But then considering that it is a bureaucrat’s family, maybe they took the right decision
Tough call, but I’d at least approach them once and let others know as well.
Thats ridiculous, such a shame, so much for the society that you cant protect your own! Sometimes I wonder what makes people so ignorant, rather plain stupid , your post got me thinking!
Thank you Poonam! You’d be surprised how much we keep quiet in the real life. Most people still prefer to keep things under wraps.
This is indeed a tough one, because what you’ve related about the blogger is perhaps what you know from her online personality? IMO, people tend to have very different views for others vs. their own family. Am sure if this happened in her own blog, she would’ve advised the parents to protest or complain. Personally, I think they should have made the parents aware of their son’s misbehavior and continued with the decision to accompany their daughter at all times.
I agree CW! At least confront the parents, by keeping quiet they are encouraging the boys further. And, don’t you think that we all criticize and point fingers, but when the time for action comes, how many of us can walk the talk.
I liked the disclaimer:p
I would say, I would have atleast gone and talked to the guys mom but then saying is easy 🙂
Thank you Ghazala! Looks like most of us feel similarly.
A perfect example of armchair activism!
hehe Isn’t it true of many of us?
A difficult situation. It would not have harmed to speak to the boys’ parents once.
True Janu! I agree.
Escort the daughter but a heart to heart talk with the boys parents is necessary. Perhaps the mother will understand….
And even if they don’t understand at least one has the satisfaction of doing the right thing. Besides keeping quiet will make matters worse and encourage the boys further.
In big cities it happens very often.Difference is that few come to know of the incident.
In my opinion,boy’s parents should have spoken to.Irrespective of the position of his father ,he would see logic.
But,it really is an issue which has to be handled by the parents
I know Chowlaji. I have seen some obnoxious powerful folks and the kids reflect the attitude of the parents. But confrontation is absolutely essential. There is no two ways about it.
a point well raised, but silence in such cases do more harm than good. Parents can not escort their girl everywhere. This give encouragement to such people, they know whatever they say and do, they will not be confronted. Why we thinks all bureuocrats are highheaded and will see through their wards misdoings, after all they are parents too. situation could be calmly talked out.
Totally agree Meenakshi. Thank you for your insightful comment.
It is a difficult situation and saying is always easy than actually doing. I think they should have at least tried talking to the boy’s parents. It might not have lead to desired results but for the self esteem of their child, they should give it a try.
I agree Jas. Imagine how the girl’s psyche will be affected from now on. Will the parents be able to put this behind so easily?
Rachna,
Escorting her is fine. I would have met their parents alongwith some apartment complex wise persons and spoken to them that they are in a position where they can do so much of good for all of us suggesting that there have been some cases of eve teasing, so would they support the cause of eradicating it. I am sure they would have agreed, then I would have suggested that they may ask their sons to form a SENA to see to it.
Take care
Sounds like sound advice, Jack.
hard to say what i would have done rachna, i would need to know more details. i think i would figure out a way to move. but even if you move, there’s no guarantee that everyone in the new building is an angel…
Agnes, I actually have seen someone who relocated when faced with a difficult situation with some goons. Sometimes in real life, people try to avoid confrontation especially with powerful folks.
They could definitely try discussing once with the boy’s parents…But you never know…If they are way too powerful and do not have a listening ear, then the parents would have to think of something else…Like say moving away from that locality? They cant be fetching the child everyday and having her lead a life of misery and fear?
I know and that is the other side of the story. I have seen families drunk on power where the parents look so menacing and obviously the kids know they can get away with anything. Besides, how many people support you when you raise your voice against the high and mighty. What if they can’t move and this is their own home?
“..its necessary to talk to parents .. and yes .. the security of girl is must ,,it cannot be neglected .. usually all parents know their kids very well .. and I would say parents who genuinely are concerned about their kids would look into matter the seriously ..
so if boys parents are really good they would know where the boys are heading to..
jus security of girl is not enough..”
If the boys’ parents are good, they might listen. Often, parents get very defensive and sometimes abusive as well.
Rachana, Parents normally tend to avoid unpleasantness n confrontation. But, I feel one must go ahead and approach the parent/or the mother. If she’s a good parent then she will listen and not get angry…..one should be careful though. There are parents who think that they should defend their child even if they are guilty. A decent parent would not defend her guilty child, but make them apologize….
True Panchali, two sides to every coin and every parent.
Easier said that done I guess, when I say they should not simply take it but go against it for their child’s sake. However, I wonder if they think that they might endanger their child more by doing so. After all they’re parents, I am sure their heart bleeds for the child’s safety. But given that, how long and where all do they plan to escort her? School? Classes? Evening walks to her friends? If tragedy is waiting to happen, it will happen one way or the other. Better meet it face on and atleast know what you’re up against.
Exactly, this will not be the end of the problem. Sooner or later they will need to confront the parents. How they would do that — many have give good suggestions here.
I would definitely want to fight, but in reality it’s not that easy. Especially if the other party is in power. In India, you know how it is. People in power can get away easily. First thing they could do is talk to other parents or residents living in the community and see if they co-operate. If they do, then all of them should talk to the boys parents. If no one is ready to join hands, then at least the parents themselves should talk. If they don’t react positively, the only option is what they did.
What happens if they give a police complaint? Those fellows will harass her even more. They could move to a new location, but what’s the guarantee that they won’t encounter people like that elsewhere?..it is a waste to escape. Moreover, it’s a very sensitive issue. Suggesting is real easy..but the people facing the situation know how hard it is.
I agree Latha. You have ably handled both sides to the action.
If i had been in Samvedna’s place i would not have gathered other residents-people don’t touch others’tangles with a barge-pole.But i would certainly have talked to the parents.Who knows it might have cut ice with them.Going to the police without any witnesses would have been futile,but if other girls too had faced similar abuse then they could get together & reach an NGO.Public demonstrations humiliate such hi-fi people.
I think the only way of approaching the parents is with other residents. Mostly by explaining to them that sooner or later, their kids also may bear the blunt. There is strength in unity.
You have rightly pointed out that reality is far far removed from rhetoric and armchair activism. The overwhelming response here is to speak to the parents. It is not so difficult and if one were sufficiently roused like Ritu, it becomes easier to take the bull by the horns and shame him. Speaking to other residents with daughters does help and here I wouldn’t agree with Indu. If not all, at least some would come forward to band together.
I feel that a few would surely come together. And besides going together gives confidence to each of not being singled out. Yet, it is a really difficult situation. But not taking action will not make things get better either.
Keeping quiet just emboldens people. I know it is easier said than done, but I feel not speaking out would be more harmful to the daughter
I completely agree.
Keeping silent is not the answer nor is being belligerent. The parents should approach the boys parents and apprise them of what has transpired and look for an amicable solution. easier said than done? Maybe. But got to be done.
I agree too, Deepak!
Very thought-provoking post Rachna!
Everyone would advocate taking action against boys and their families I guess, but I think very few people have guts to fight (No doubt that’s why these things happen on regular and casual basis). Actually when it comes to fighting against powerful people, victims usually find themselves alone. People talk intellectually, justly and sometimes like revolutionary but seldom stand beside you to raise voice. I think this is why victim feel afraid.
I think Sheena’s parents should talk to them at least (So what they’re powerful people). There’s no harm in complaining in this situation.
Yes, you have put some very valid points. I also feel that keeping quiet will only harm them in the long term.
I really don’t know the answer to this one Rachna! Sometimes as parents you can never be sure whether the decision you are taking is the right one for your child but you let your instinct rule. The societal conditioning and incidents observed earlier might have set the precedent for the parents to take such a step. I do believe that silence would embolden the boys and one should do what Ritu did but again I won’t judge the parents. This is why I feel being an activist on twitter or social networks is pretentious when in real life most wont stand up for what is right.
Totally Swapna. We have all been there, haven’t we? It is so easy to say when it applies to others’ situations, but most of us would not be able to take action when it happens to us. That’s just the way things are.
Like the others here, I am a bit confused about what to do. But my first thought on reading this post was that the blogger should have approached the guy’s parents and then if no steps were taken, she should have filed a case just to make a furore. Your post explains the fact that bloggers can have a double life – one for the posts and one off the posts. Until the problems hit us directly, one cannot know what mettle one is made of. She should have made a noise about the entire episode.
Joy always,
Susan
Thank you Susan! I agree keeping quiet works in two ways — emboldens the perpetrators and also attacks the self-confidence of the child. The situation will not quiet down after this.
that’s exactly what i was saying when that ghy molestation incident happened. it’s easy to sit at home and point finger at others but in reality, things can be difficult.
it’s a tricky situation. if the parents take any action against those boys, they will face the consequences and if they don’t, things will only get worse from here on.
Thanks Deb! Yes, I know; there is always more than what meets the eye. It is easy for all of us to sit and pass judgments, true. This situation is truly tricky. The right thing to do of course is go and talk to the parents. But even if you don’t go with the approach of confrontation, such talks can easily become heated and get out of hand especially when one party is high on power. But, I feel that things in such situations do not stay at one level even if no action is taken. They generally tend to get worse.
Agree that the parents did the most practical thing, but no. It it were me in that position, I would definitely have raised the issue with the parents of the guy. Playing nonchalance would result in further abuse. Either parent accompanying kid in future sounds logical.
Agree with your logic, Cloud Nine!
Oh dear! this is such a tough question to answer. The heart says, ignore one incident and rest assured many more will follow. But the head says, what if confrontation makes it worse?
I would have certainly gone up to the parents and informed them about their son’s misdemeanors without sounding insulting. A reasonable discussion always helps.
you’ve brought out the dilemma beautifully, Purba. Talking it out seems to be right approach, but no one can predict what will eventually come out of that conversation.
Without going into details, something similar happened at my home a few years back. Mom went and talked to the guy’s parents and he got a nice thrashing from his father. He stopped after that.
The dissimilarities are that it wasn’t a high profile family but it would always be a good idea to talk with the parents. Also, India was a different country 15 years back.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Amit. Your example and that of Ritu’s gives us hope that we can stand up for what we think is right.
Tough situation. Talking once would have done no harm but you never know how they might take the whole issue. Many might disagree with me, but I feel Samvedana’s approach was ‘practical’. What do you personally think, Rachna?
Definitely a tough situation! I personally think that I would share the incident with close friends in the same community and then approach the family about the incident. I would go with a group of people and talk very politely but firmly telling them what happened. Hopefully, I can keep my temper in check and be assertive. After that, depending upon their reaction, we can take the situation forward. Keeping quiet will not suffice in the long run. Things might get worse, or the boys might get bolder.
People here say that it is practical. I agree. There are people who can inflict harm on you. However, you have to think for how long you can hide? Can you hide from your conscience?
Will you live to regret that you didn’t act?
Long back when I had joined Tata Motors as my first job, in jamshedpur, we had got a nice training. The trainer had taught us the difference between aggression, being timid and being assertive. Being timid is knowing that someone is passing comments and you come back quietly. Being aggressive is fighting with them. Being assertive means telling them that they are not right. Remember in most of the cases, the bullies hit back when you become aggressive.
It is important to be assertive and tell them that they are not right. If they don’t listen, then you should know whether you are ready for a physical fight or you come back and then tell their parents or go and raise an FIR. If the police doesn’t register, then go to media, TV who are always on the look out for such stuff.
Writing aggressively in blogs may not characterise the behaviour of the person accurately in conflict situations. A lot of people are timid. They face such real life situations quietly and vent their anger in blogs. That should not be taken as sign of their strength. Cyber bullies may be bullied into submission by real life bullies.
In my corporate life, I have seen CEOs and directors of companies shiver when Secretaries or Additional Secy’s of Govt counter them. In one meeting with Mr. Arun Sourie when he was telecom minister, about 13-14 senior industry directors and CEOs panicked, till I slowly explained the situation and slowly normalcy was restored. Needless to say, people fear when facing a person with power or stature.
The course of action will depend on the person. There are no right or wrong answers.
Absolutely Sabyasachi. First of all, I find your comments balanced and very enlightening. As you rightly pointed out, there is no right or wrong answer just an approach to handling the situation as per the person in that situation. I also liked how you explained the difference between agressiveness and assertiveness. During my MBA, once we were given an exercise of role play where we had to demonstrate aggressive vs. assertive behavior. You would be surprised to know how difficult it was to show assertive behavior. Most of us just got aggressive or let our emotions get the better of us. I feel situations mostly go worse because we lose control. Thank you again for your comment.
most of the parents would fear the safety of the girl and so keep quiet..But in such a situation i would like to talk to the boy.ofcourse amicable and just like I would to any boy in my family or may be make aquaintance with their mother..I have seen this approach working..call the boys home for a tea or something, once they know us, they nevr misbehave.
I agree Renu — approach not with the intention to quarrel but to inform and deal with things appropriately.
Dont know if they did right or wrong .. BUT i am sure you have read my comments on a lot of places .. when it comes to our own we always act differently.. Most of the people who write blogs talking of big high things may not actually be the same , ME INCLUDING.. I might have a different view now .. but when things are actually on your face , you are bound to act differently..
Writing and speaking is the easiest thing to do .. DOING now that is a different kettle 🙂
I will not say about what they did, But I know for a fact if it was Me.. If this happened to my daughter I as a person would not just let it go.. I would get up and have a word with the father of the boy, Maybe first in a general way telling them what has happened..
if that does not work then take it to the next step, If i go all guns blazing that is not going to work ..
BUt I will stand by my daughter or son, Yes dropping and picking will help, but not for her confidence.. and I will not let anybody whoever they are , change the way my kids want to live..
I still in my heart am the same old Punjabi and believe in the same means 🙂
maybe i am all wrong , who knows what i will do, if faced with the same situation
Bikram’s
As Sabyasachi pointed out, there is no right or wrong in this situation really. It all depends upon the person. Of course, you and I both know that hindsight is always 20/20, and that talking about someone else is so easy. I also wrote something similar about what I would do in the same situation in my reply to destiny’s child. hehe The guns blazing stuff is funny and does it work in normal life for common people not cops? Tell me about Punjabis; my husband is one :).
While I would like the parents to take a courageous stand, I don’t know their exact situation!
That’s true!
I agree with that trainer at Tata Motors. Being assertive is the right approach without going into a physical confrontation.
True. Thanks for your comment, Haddock.
very interesting observations here..personally, i go with bkc..
Thanks so much Ramesh.
You’ve raised such a pertinent question, Rachna! I really dont know what I would have done if I had been in such a situation. My husband would surely have said that he would have gone right ahead and thrashed those unruly boys. But its easier said than done, I know. So a more reasonable manner to approach this would be to go to those bureaucrat-parents and complain to them about their unruly children. Yeah I’d have done that instead of leaving the matter lying low.
Gosh its so scary!
I think this incident had two negative effects :
1) The self-confidence of growing up women to be able to stand by right always has been broken in some sense. She would now have the memory that might stop her from raising her voice again.
2) Confidence of boys to win in wrong situations just because of being able to physically encroach the safe space of women has been bolstered.
Practically, women are physically vulnerable to men. And this feeling of being incapable in some sense makes us accept things even when they are wrong. Not to forget, this further supports domestic violence instinct in men who won this situation by just holding her hand. Are we not responsible to do something about it ? Can we just let men win by their physical strength and continue supporting violence ? I feel, every girl should start shedding her fear and parents should train their daughter in self-defense courses. It is harmful to presume that Women will never be physically superior to Men. There are several Women in Army who are more stronger than atleast 60 % of men population.
As per my personal reaction – if I was in her place, I would shout out loud, collect public and give a kick in his balls to even attempt to encroach my physical space or intimidate me for speaking on being FAIR. MY BLOOD BOILS. Are there NO SELF DEFENSE Courses ? Jujutsu, Pepper Spray etc etc ? Till when Men will win over unfairly just by threatening us to be close to RAPE us ?
an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
i am not saying to ignore the issue and let them walk free .. but issue can be resolved amicably by discussing…so discuss with concerned families and introspect one’s actions as well…!
apologies for the late comment ma’am…
Thank you for your comment Rahul. I guess one needs to try different approaches depending on the circumstances and the people in question. Not at all about the late comment :). Comments are always good.