Violence and rage are on the rise. Is it because of the rising stress in our lives due to a bad boss, lousy work schedule, or the really bad traffic?
Two high-profile incidents in the news recently were of a school teacher stabbed to death by a 9th standard student in Chennai because she was complaining to his father about his poor marks. It is easy to pass judgments by faulting the parenting style of the boy’s parents or blaming the harshness of the teacher. But, one thing is certain is that frustration levels are really high. If they do not find a vent, they can have disastrous outcomes. Teenage is the time when the children feel most misjudged and criticized. They hate the world, and everyone who asks them to smarten their act. Why would a child go to the drastic levels of killing his teacher? He must have been aware how his life would be forever damaged. I don’t know. What went so wrong that could not be retrieved?
The other incident that happened yesterday: A bunch of drunk people who shot at a teenager with an airgun when this teenager’s father asked them to drive safely because they were driving on the wrong side of the road. So, when you get upset when someone cuts you, breaks the signal, brushes past your car or intimidates you, and you get angry and show that anger verbally or through gestures, you really do not know what that person in the other car might do. At the end of the day, in these unfortunate incidents, it does not matter who was right or wrong, what matters is the consequences of those actions.
Few months back, our entire family with our dog was going out in our car. At a narrow road, there was a traffic jam. We were waiting for the way to clear when a man came from my side to my husband’s side. His window was rolled down. Without any provocation, he lunged at my husband who out of reflex caught hold of his hand. He was saying something, which we did not understand. For a couple of minutes, they were grappling each other. We were shocked; I yelled and suddenly seeing Coco, he let go, and we moved ahead. It really unnerved us, and I don’t know what that man’s problem was — was he mentally unstable, drunk or ??
Then a few days back, my son who commutes to school by his school bus was roughed up by another boy in 8th Standard (older to him by 4 years). Why? Because, he did not want him to sit on the seat where he sat. So, he doesn’t ask but actually tried to strangle my son. Oh yes, other children confirmed it. We had to go confront the boy in the school bus, warning him that any future complaints, and we will go to the Principal.
So, how are we supposed to handle these incidents? If you drive, in India, you will be faced with daily incidents when your BP goes dangerously high. For the sake of your safety, assume that all other people are carrying guns, divert your mind and do not get into needless brawls. If you think about it, it is a minute or two that is lost if you allow that honking nut to pass or ignore that brute of a bus driver who cuts you off or stop and give way to the truck who is on the wrong side of the road. It is the prudent approach to take considering the real risks that you might be putting yourselves and your families in.
About children, I feel that they will be frustrated and angry. There are so many triggers and pressures. My son gets mad and yells. I have taught him the pillow trick if he is really upset about something. As parents, keep your ears open when they share something that enrages them. Parents talking to their kids helps them get perspective. Heck, I still do even when I am 37 years old. If I talk to my dad, and he explains something in a calm manner, it makes me see things differently. We exercise a lot of power over our child’s thoughts and actions. Let us find the time to share their angst, to teach them things good or bad and to set an example by our own demeanor. Remember, in the larger scheme of life, children are more important than any amount of money we can earn . If something goes wrong, can we forgive ourselves? Please spend time with your kids and listen to them. They are very intelligent and solicit their opinions and feelings. They will know who to come to when they are pushed in the corner.
So, when we celebrate love, don’t think that our job is done by buying a card or giving an expensive gift. More often than not, it is our time and our attention that are the most precious gifts to be given!
Links to stories:
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/bangalore/Refused-way-furious-driver-fires-at-teen/articleshow/11883056.cms
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/chennai/Classrom-murder-School-reopens-after-tragic-incident/articleshow/11881068.cms
Children watch their parents under terrible stress on daily basis.Without talking about it, they perhaps, pass on the stress to the kids.But, in any growing economy where the disposable income has increased many fold,everyone wants to be on top of ladder,such situations are normal.Personally, I would say, if we had joint family systems,things could have been better.
Perhaps, that would help, but I don’t think that a joint family alone can solve this problem. There are houses I see where the grandparents live in the same home, but they do not have the authority to discipline their own grandkids.
Time and attention is crucial Rachna to dampen the aggression that develops in a child on account of peer pressures and stress. Like you mentioned parents need to spare quality time with their wards listening to their issues and explaining pros and cons of all aspects of life. Nice post !!!
Thank you! I think we are all struggling to understand this sudden increase in rage and violence around us. The situations around us are not under our control, but we have to empower our kids to handle pressure situations.
This was one was straight from the heart. Rage is increasing and is scarier because it is disproportionate to the provocation or perceived wrong. Children joining in the bandwagon is the worst part. A very apt Valentine Day message.
Thank you! Yes exactly, the reaction was much severe than what the action demanded. I mean when was taking someone’s life matter of fact? I am really scared for our kids.
A very thoughtful post Rachna. i agree that the stress levels are indeed rising. this is a whole new generation with different perspective.
I couldn’t agree with you more that the best thing we can do for our children is set standards for them by examples and our own behavior. Even if they don’t acknowledge it today, for sure they will in the distant future when a little bit of maturity sets in.
Happy VALENTINE’s Day:)
Thank you Aabha! Yes, they will understand when they are older and will appreciate us for the things we did for them.
Wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day too :).
Very thought provoking Rachna.
Really don’t know what is the trigger for all these incidents but I feel exhibitionism whether in love or not is on the high. And no it is not just in India.
While on the traffic signal you are supposed to just fly as soon as the signal turns green or the driver of the next car gets overly anxious.Sometimes I feel like catching the fellow by his collar make him sit cross legged and make him breathe properly.
The Sid incident was really scary. I am all ears when my son returns from school, hear so many incidents-violence, abuse etc that feel scared.
Thank you Bhagya! You are right, exhibitionism is another problem. Right from parents to kids everyone is in the show-off mode. Lots of times that is leading to unhealthy pressures. Comparisons are increasing. I know, the traffic tales are frightening. I have had some frightening incidents of my own while driving. And, even we sit and chat and ask the kids when they are back from school about how their day went, listening to their daily rants :). I was shocked with that incident with Sid. I mean poor thing was so frightened. But, he got immense strength when both his parents went to confront that boy. Also, I’ve told him to try not to interact with that boy and stay far away from him.
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Rachna, The acts of violence where children are involved are symptoms of a bigger malice where the parents fail to inculcate the right values due to their own preoccupations and having lesser time to talk with children! We can blame the whole world for different reasons but are not willing to look at the problem right under our nose:)
No, Rahul that is one of the problems. Like Meera mentioned or Bhagya mentioned, there are other issues at work here too like increased exposure and desensitization of violence. The tendency to show off and not back off. We have to see what is within our control that can be modified. There are other factors beyond our control.
Rachna, Every issue has multiple dimensions and all I meant was that factors which are within our control. Yes, the laxity of administration, non governance and lust of quick money are the other major contributors for the short fuse!
Valid point, Rahul!
You are right about stress levels being higher today. I also think it is the general violence that surrounds our lives in the media etc that encourages young people to indulge in it! I was really shocked to read about the incident you had on the road. It is a very dangerous world we live in and just about anything can be trigger for major violence!
Yes, Meera, totally agree. That is another reason for the insensitivity towards violence because it is all around us. Can’t tell you how shaken we were after that incident! The kids were so baffled.
Back in college I took a few coursed in Medical equipment. In the physiotherapy class they pointed out that every organ in our body has a frequency and if you try to stimulate it with a different one things would not go well. The simplest example – pacemakers , if they stimulate the heart to pulse faster than about 120 bpm for too long…won’t be quite a party! I personally think that for many people life has become busier than we can handle. Some of us find ways to balance it out – prioritizing, cutting back on work hours, meditation…but for others it’s rage that does it. People are different…See, love on the other hand is something we all relate to in the same way – let’s offer more of it 🙂
That’s an interesting theory ,and you are right about violence being a vent. And, you are an incurable romantic, Iliana 😉
It makes for sad reading.But I liked the conclusion in the last two paras.Investing more time with children is certainly one way to go about.
Thank you KP Sir. It is depressing and even more depressing to read about such violent incidents, one more shocking than the other everyday.
People have become intolerant, as a result the violence is increasing day by day and is being used for stupid reasons.We don’t have the patience to forgive and forget…..
It is really sad to see how little respect people have for lives of others……
Very true, Irfan!
irfanbhai is abs right: People have become intolerant..what a heavenly world this would be if only people learnt to love one another..hmm..
You are right Ramesh.
oh my god is what i will say .. Oh man .. we will soon need personal bodyguards if things keep on going the way they are …
its shameful .. and he tried t ostrangle your son .. I hope you reported ot the teachers ..
and that guy with your husband you shud have let the dog at him, would have served him right ______ ______ ____ I want to write but cant …
disgraceful ..
where are we heading , so much intolerance and all
God
Bikram’s
its really sad to hear all this …law n order needs to be enforced.. surprisingly ..in spite of so much progress ..nothing has been done to control the traffic and help the people .
instead of copying the west in fashions n styles and name brands ,,they should focus on other side how these developed countries move and how strong the laws are ..where violating any law is a serious offence …
Where police means a Big trouble,,, n where there is no room for bribe but jus prison indulging into these acts.
I know, Bikram. It was so very scary. People threatening your safety for no reason. It did not even strike me that I just use Coco. Poor guy does not ever bite anyone. And, he came to our rescue that day. I mean everything happened so fast. Yes, the other incident too. We actually pulled him up in the school bus in front of the other students and teachers who were there. We will take it further if he repeats. He has a high-handed attitude with other younger kids too. Frankly, I get scared when I drive alone. You should see the menacing looks some of these drivers cast your way especially when they see a woman driving alone! I even have a pepper spray with me. But, if one is in such a situation, it takes time to think properly to react. Traffic rage is such a problem in cities like Bangalore that are perennially clogged.
@Harman I know, I agree with you. I wish people would inculcate discipline and give way, be nice to pedestrians, be more understanding of kids crossing, but here no one gives a damn. If they see you crossing the road or trying to merge into the traffic, they come faster at you with blaring lights to deter you. The buses and trucks drive like it is their fiefdom never maintaining lanes or overtaking crazily. It is really very terrible driving on Indian roads. You find all kinds of crazies out there.
Rachna let me tell you something and please dont laugh.. it is important pepper spray is fine BUT do you know how to use it , can you take it out of ur purse in 2 -3-5 seconds .. Think about it .. ITS Not possible .. by the time u realise, open ur purse , put ur hand in .. count more than a few seconds have gone by..
SO PRACTISE .. as i said dont laugh..
each year we have to pass a exam and in that there is a exercise where a mob rushed you from 15-20 feet and you have to get ur cs out and spray them and save urself .. and beleive me YOU cant do it . by the time you have sprayed they are on you and you are on floor with 4-5-10 people around …
SO Practise it.. you shud know at all times where it is in ur bag or pocket ..
I carry a baseball bat with me but i know for a fact then when it happens I wont have time to pick it up and hit …
I am not scaring you and sorry if this seems to be a lecture ..
Bikram’s
Yes, you are right. I do not know how to use it properly, and I doubt that in panic situations, I can whisk it out fast enough. Yes, I will practise. It is a very valid observation. I wasn’t even carrying it that day with me. Like I said, it did not even strike me to use Coco who was in the back seat. Fear freezes us, and we live in such dangerous times. Share some videos if you have.
I have some videos but I am sorry I cant share them as there are police personal in them .. But let me see if our training department has some that I can get my hands on to send to you ..
That’s okay, Bikram. Even youtube videos should do fine. I guess I will search on youtube. Thanks!
A very apt post, Rachna. I feel sorry for kids who have to deal with exam stress, demanding curriculum and peer pressure. And to make it worse, we saddle them lofty expectations.
Especially loved how you ended your thoughtful write-up.
Thank you Purba! I feel for the kids too. They do have it harder these days.
It is indeed very sad, that such things are happening regularly. We can change ourselves, but bringing about the change in so many frustrated people is indeed a very difficult task.If we keep quiet also we are the losers and if we make a scene and fight also we end up losing. It is really a lose lose situation.
We may talk about strict laws abroad, but still many crimes are committed there despite the strict laws, we have seen innocent professors, school children, and many innocent pedestrians being shot down by psychos in the US, Norway to name a few. So people living in such countries cannot just say that they have strict rules and sleep peacefully. Everyone one should make it a point to look at the broader picture, instead of being engrossed in their own small world making money. No money can buy you back the things you cherish most.
In the present state we have to be worried all the time, just because they have crossed the school cannot put a stop to our worries, there is the college ragging, if it is a girl there are other worries, as parents we find, or at least I find myself always thinking about the welfare of my kids and my husband. There is no relief, life is the same wherever one lives, for these problems do not belong to just our country, it is a universal problem, I still feel we are better off then other countries because although we may ape the west basically, we are not like them, for our mental make up is totally different.
Yes, it is such a tough situation. It is wrong to keep quiet when the other is doing something wrong, but in the interest of safety one has to.
Abroad, the problem is with easy gun-control laws. Imagine, what would happen in India if we were freely allowed to possess guns. I always get peeved that we Indians are still a tribal culture. People rush to break queues at bus stops, at temples, at airports, so it is across all strata irrespective of education. Dadagiri works everywhere. Never apologize always intimidate seems to be mantra especially if you driving.
I think the problem is becoming worse with more exposure to violence, porn etc. via TV and internet, less monitoring of kids and increasing frustration.
suppressed emotions can cause that in adults but I don’t know about kids. For us its mostly about disappointment, too much adjustments, keeping silent for too long.
Some times I yell too with swear words right in front of the kiddo.. cant help.. we don’t marry or live with perfect partners nor are we perfect in anyway…
Actually Vani, I’ve seen with my son how he reacts when he is frustrated. Children can feel stressed too if they feel that they are not being understood or if their concerns are taken too frivolously by their parents. But,it is important to talk to them and let them not bottle up their emotions.
I swear all the time when I drive. I just take the precaution of having the window up. There are other times when my husband or I sometimes swear in front of the kids. Like you said, can’t help. And, none of us have perfect partners or are perfect. My hubby and I fight and yell all the time. But, we try to keep it low around kids. With increasing responsibilities, as parents we are stressed too.
my god! was that guy insane or what – the one who almost attacked your husband! and that stupid boy hitting your son! really this rage thing is going way beyond human comprehension. too scary if we unfortunately end up as victims
I swear I was out of my wits, just did not know how to react, and it shook us a lot. That is why I am so concerned that even if there is no fault of yours, you can end up getting harmed.
Time, people, and the world, everything is changing..we are living in a different world..I had heard about the enraged student’s incident..but the other was novel to me..It is sad that we face such incidents in our daily life also..
Yes, it is very sad and times are becoming dangerous.
Think about it? Its scary really. It was only in countries like US that violence at school happened; its happening here as well.
Yeah, really very scary. Didn’t know that we will see this in India in our lifetime.
Your last paragraph… I agree, fully.
Thank you Agnes!
GOD! It was shocking read about your husband’s and son’s incident. WOnder what is the reason behind such behavior? Helplessness? Stress? Loser attitude?
Yes, it is crazy such incidents happening. And how should one safeguard against these?
You’ve touched on lawlessness for which we need a strong police force and judicial system; not some political party’s lackeys; re bullying in schools – Our parenting skills are the one thing that will teach them how to handle their anger and frustration and feel happy enough to move on. I have read a most beautiful book which I’ve recommended on many blogs so I hope you’ll forgive me if I do so again. It is “How to talk so kids will listen and listen to kids when they talk” I’m surprised the authors of that book haven’t yet written to me in gratitude 🙂 Wish I knew the reason behind open aggression and rage on our roads. A corrupt and underpaid traffic police corps doesn’t help.
Thank you KayEm for the book recommendation. I have marked it on my reading list.