For someone like me who disseminates gyan like a broken hose on all things relationships, I wrung my hands in glee when I saw the topic: Arranged Marriage vs. Love Marriage. In India, this has always been a favorite topic of conversation. This is a common question that women ask each other when they meet for the first time. Those who’ve had arranged marriages would give a slightly glum expression and say, “arranged marriage” suggesting that it was passé but they endured it. And, those who found their partner by way of love get all perked up and moony while replying very proudly, “love marriage” like it is a conquest they made. And, they almost seem to egg you on to extract the juicy details – that first meeting, falling in love, opposition from parents and how things ended in happily ever after (or not :)).
For those not living in the sub-continent, arranged marriage is a concept fit for aliens! Who in their right mind would select a life partner based on their parents’ choice? But, in India, we have seen it happen for years, and it does work out well. Isn’t it also true that families have a huge role to play in our lives in India? We continue to live with our parents till we get married even if it is till our late 20s or 30s. Parents pay for their kids’ education, sometimes putting everything at stake building their kids’ lives. They are extremely attached to their children and often find it hard to let go or strike a balance when the kids are grown-up adults. Parents continue to toss “they know better” and that “they have the best interests of their kids at heart” every time they need to convince their adult son or daughter to make a particular decision especially marriage. Not entirely correct I’d say at the risk of brickbats. Well, if your kids are old enough to be adults, to be employed, to vote and to marry; then they are old enough to choose their life partners as well. No, you don’t know what is best for them because only two people getting into matrimony know what they desire from marriage and from their life partners. These adults need to interact with each other for long periods of time to understand if there is compatibility of views on larger issues in life without any pressures. Their decision to say no must be respected at all cost. And, if you have the best interests of your children at heart then their happiness would be of primary importance to you not reasons like caste, language, religion or any other concern that you might have!
What can be wrong about falling in love with a person and wanting to marry them? For one, love can move mountains. People have been known to have great understanding and adaptability if their relationship is based on genuine love and caring for each other. They also can smooth over irritants like cultural differences etc. if their hearts want to make the relationship work! You will see examples of inter-caste and inter-religious marriages that thrive despite all opposition. And, don’t they have a right to make their own mistakes! Besides, girls have a better leverage in families where they are the choice of their husbands rather than those of parents. Hence clearly love marriages are preferable in today’s day and age when girls and boys are more independent, ambitious and modern in their thinking.
But, love might not happen for some at all. And, in such circumstances, it makes a lot of sense to choose your partner through the arranged marriage route. Now, I am not backtracking on my thinking. I am merely saying that a girl and a boy can meet each other even if they are not in love and see if they can find qualities in each other that they would cherish in a life partner. My only objection is that arranged marriages often put the appropriate criteria to be caste, language, religion, looks, family, and horoscopes much higher than the actual people and their compatibility and their qualities. Hence a modified arranged marriage route can be taken where the boy and girl meet a number of times to really get to know each other well and to go through a faux courtship route! It is crucial that they only agree to a marriage based upon mutual liking and understanding. The emphasis must be on sharing as much as possible and not hiding as is normally done in Indian society. This route of arranged marriage can work as a beautiful middle-ground that works both for the girl and the boy and their respective families. Most families that speak in favor of arranged marriages today have actually gone through this evolved arranged marriage route or prolonged period of knowing each other/courtship, only their circumstances of meeting their life partners were not dictated by love but by destiny.
Of course, what happens after marriage is another ball game altogether :). No one and their grandfather can predict the success of a marriage. When you begin living with a person, even one you have had a prolonged affair with, life is very different. You now have jobs to take care of, a home to run, do groceries, pay bills and somewhere in between find time to adjust to each other’s funny quirks and expectations. Romantic love takes a backseat, and what takes you through is a lot of understanding, patience, mutual respect, sense of humor, great conflict management and loads of communication. Give each other loads of space to breathe, thrive and grow! Togetherness never meant obsessive control, but taking pride in each other’s happiness. Marriage is no bed of roses, and those that do not enter into matrimony with this knowledge might fall very hard. Life evolves and changes at every step after marriage, and you have to keep pace and adapt as you trudge along.
At the end of the day, if the positives outweigh the negatives, and if you still want to sleep and wake up next to the same person everyday, then the marriage has been worth it. The fun lies in the journey, all bumps and grinds notwithstanding as will tell you all married couples. So, here’s to the beautiful journey called marriage!
For those interested in reading about my tryst with destiny, go right ahead :).
I leave you with some spicy marriage quotes:
I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.Rita Rudner
There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first. Adela Rogers St. John
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it. Unknown
To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right shut up. Ogden Nash
Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Rachna,
If my memory does not fail me, this is fifth post on the same topic for this competition I have read. One may know a person for a very long time but it is only when you live together 7 X 24 that you know the real of that person. One is blinded while in love and the negative invariably escapes the eye. Also one puts best foot forward during that period. Marriage is not just union of two individuals but coming together of two families also. Arranged or Love marriage should keep that in mind. I agree with views on caste or region etc. That should not be a criteria while finding suitable match. However those who have to get married should have enough inter-action without anyone overlooking over their shoulders to find if they can adjust. However I will quote two of bloggers here – Success of marriage does not depend upon finding right partner but on being one. Second is – Marriage is like a flowerbed which needs to be tended everyday.
Take care
You are saying the same thing that I am trying to say. Thanks for your comment!
You are right, arranged marriage is a shocker to Western people. Loved the quotes in the end. Love is the most important ingredient of the marriage recipe.
All the very best!
Thank you Saru. I would be spooked too about arranged marriages had I not witnessed some beautiful ones personally :).
I don’t know if it’s true but I heard that arranged marriages last longer than love marriages?
I don’t know about that Agnes! I guess what makes a marriage last is two people who are in it :).
A mature, well etched out post. In fact one of the best I’ve read so far, on this topic.
Well done, Rachna.
And, this is one of my most cherished compliments, as they come from a wonderful writer like you! Thank you, Purba, for making my day!
Very well- written, Rachna! Love or arranged, the success of marriage rests in understanding, little adjustments, loaded with lots of love:)))
Thank you Cloud Nine, and don’t we the married types know that so well.
We in the West find the concept of arranged marriages too alien but in all honesty it was practised here for many many years (just read any of our classics and you will discover it was perfectly normal)
I am not sure that ‘love’ matches are the perfect answer either – when we are young it is easy to fall in love with the ideal of being in love rather than the person you are selecting for a lifetime. It is just as easy to fall out of love, check our spiralling divorce rates!
You are right, Jane! There really is no perfect answer! And it is not romantic love that sustains a marriage, it is companionship and camaraderie. A good physical chemistry helps as well. But, you really don’t know the pressures that prevail on the girl and the boy in an arranged marriage setup.
hhaha!! Love the quotes! Also, please add one from my own friend who said that her marriage is successful because they just learned to stay the hell out of each other’s way!! (She and her husband get along wonderfully with each other, so this is not a bitter quote by any means!!)
Love your analysis; in the end, after marriage, most romantic notions dissipate, whether love marriage or arranged marriage, and if you have no common ground with your spouse, it can never work!
Yeah, space is so crucial as you pointed. I’ve to put that one in! And, such wise words you speak my lady, I am nodding my head vigorously :).
Very well written and a balanced post. Quite agree with you that no grandfather can predict the final outcome post marriage unless love and mutual trust are the foundations.
Thank you Rahul! Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me.
Just the kind of post I would have expected from my favourite girl 🙂 you are right, today many families are looking beyond their castes and communities and finding good matches for their children. I personally had/have told my brats to find their own partners since I am not the one who is going to live with them. The older one has and the younger one will too, I am sure. And I am one happy MIL with readymade daughters 😀
All the best for the contest!
And coming from my favorite elder, your words are dipping in honey :). Balanced people don’t control; they know how to let go and get love and respect in return! I am so glad that you got a readymade daughter. Maybe, some day I will get a daughter by the same route too :).
I cannot agree with you more.An incisive analysis.
Finally success of marriage by either routes depends on the trait of adaptability from both sides
Best wishes in the contest
Thank you so much, KP! It means a lot to me when revered elders like you understand and encourage.
Rachna, I just loved this…you have written all that I feel on this matter so very succintly..all the best for the contest!
Thank you so much, Uma! Your words of praise mean a lot to me.
Very well written, Rachna. And yes, marriage brings many surprises—some exquisite, some ugly moments… mutual support through the difficult times and enjoyment of the good times sustain a good married life. Adaptability is the main ‘mantra’ for a successful marriage!
Liked those quotes…!
Aptly put, Panchali! Thank you for the warm words!
Good Luck Rachna, the second last quote by Unknown was superb ha ha !
Thank you Jaish :).
Nice post! To make a marriage a beautiful journey, love, trust, companionship, respect… are very much needed. So, love or arranged, if you have these in your marriage, it will surely work!
All the very best for the contest!
So true, Shilpa! Thank you so much!
Loved all the quotes at the end especially the unknown one 🙂
All the best ~
Thanks Ghazala :).
Very well witten. You are right. It depends on the two people in it whether it is a love marriage or an arranged one. Compatibility is the key.
Thank you Jas!
Rachana, wonderful post!
A balanced one too. Hope all those parents out there are reading this:-), and all those young unmarried ones out there are reading the quotes first.
Thank you Pattu! I am so glad you liked it. Yeah, the quotes are wonderful :).
Very well written, Rachna. Irrespective of it being a love or arranged marriage, it takes two people to make it work! Adjustments, understanding, mutual respect, sense of humour, space – all needed in the right mix to make it a success. Wish you all the best for the contest.
Very well-put, Chatty Wren! I am glad you enjoyed it.
I agree with your thoughts. My sister had a love marriage and she is married to a Keralite. I know a friend who is a Punjabi and took the arranged marriage route to marry a Keralite. Both are happy and have no problems with their life partner who speaks a different language.
As long as they get along well, whether it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage, hardly makes a difference.
Exactly, and that is my point, it is important that they are happy and get along and got into it on their own volition. My only grouse is with pressure.
well written rachna
Thanks Ashok!
Such a nice post, Rachna. Couldn’t agree to you better. Agree to everything…loved the quotes too….hehe…:-)
I loved the quotes too :). I am so glad that you liked the post.
One of the most sensible posts on the topic. 🙂 You said it all.
All the best for the contest, Rachna.
Those quotes at the end are really good ones. Couldn’t help smiling. 🙂
Thanks so much Divya for connecting with the post. I loved the quotes too, and they are so true ;-).
I may be sounding one from the old school,but,I seriously am of the opinion that it is all destined.Rest all surrounding are the explanations and arguments.
It is up to both the partners to ensure longivity of the marriage..it is caring for another and understanding the feelings of one another.
It is destiny, but we can’t just leave it at that. There has to be a method to the madness.
I have read this post thrice Rachna, liked it so much especially the first para 🙂
Usually everyone sighs in relief when a match is fixed (arranged or love) but a marriage is always the beginning…. and so much more is needed to make it a success.
Thank you so much, Bhagya :). So happy that you connected with it.
I loved the whole post best of luck..
rest this is never ending debate which one is best love or arranged…but marriage is important and must .. in context to live-in relationships …
there has been no certain fix.
the sucess depends on ..individuals and their tolerances.
rest is destiny 😉
Thank you Harman! Success in marriage is so subjective. Marriage is important at least in our cultural context. I think the debate is pointless :).
Drop in here to be surprised with a gift for you 🙂
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Thanks :).
A post brought out with wisdom gained by experience. Loved the quotes at the end of the post.
Thank you Farida :). Your name is misspelt here.
You have weighed both forms of the institution very well. I really hope you win this contest. Good luck! 🙂
So sweet! Thank you so much, Destiny’s Child!
Perfect!!
Best wishes for the contest!!
Thank you Deepak!
Nice post Rachna.
I would like to point out, that the meaning of getting into a relationship has changed a lot, in the sense in olden days, one had only arranged marriage, and love marriage was for people who were really bold to tackle the consequences. Arranged marriages were of course the only route. In some cases the girl and the boy didn’t even have the chance to see each other to approve or not approve. That was pretty sad, but of course, even such marriage were sometimes a big success.
Love marriage was always looked upon as a risky thing, but there too people involved fought with their parents and some of them showed to everybody, that it can be a success too.
However, now the situation is becoming very different, because both the boy and the girl do not want to compromise, they are independent, they don’t just blindly fall in love, they look for the same things that parents think is important in an alliance. The boys / girls look for good education, good job security, good looks and good families etc., so the idea of falling in love is slowly going down.
When told by the parents that they are free to marry whoever, they want to, the reply given by the younger generation is that they are not finding anyone good enough to fall in love, that they would prefer the parents search for them.
They do want to check the prospective alliances and choose from the selected ones.
Now a days even people living in the west are realizing that arranged marriages are more sound , reliable and long lasting with less risks involved. There are now so many matrimonial sites catering to the needs of the Western people. So now, we are moving back to the old system, steadily, with the added benefits of moving with person one has selected, knowing the person to some extent before deciding to tie the knot. In a way, one can say, it is arranged cum love marriage.
Finally we all know, that to be in a healthy relationship, one needs to work hard, for nothing comes free, adjustments, compromise, respect for each other, giving each other the much needed space,love, etc. all rolled into one is what makes a happy marriage.
All the best!
You have beautifully explained the changes. Indeed, we are now falling in love with our heads more often than the hearts. Arranged cum love, modified arranged, self-arranged can all be considered new age terms for the new form of arranged marriage that has evolved. I myself had a marriage of similar kind.
The decision to spend rest of the life with someone is perhaps the most difficult one and one should have a practical approach towards it. Knowing someone and sharing responsibilities are two entirely different things. However, mostly what we perceive as love is just a false pretense and wishful thinking.
Having said that many of my friends who are in arranged marriages (modified arranged marriage) are leading a rocking life.
Absolutely Deb, it is a really tough decision because no matter what one does, marriage is a gamble. We try to figure out how to make ours a success but it really boils down to the two individuals. I had a modified or self-arranged marriage personally, so I understand what you are saying :).
Hey i guess the contest is over..I totaly enjoed reading this post..By the way i had particated for a group discussion on same topic for my first campus interview and passed thru the phase :)this post takes me to that lovely,tensed n excited day
The contest gets over by the end of this month. You can still participate if you wish to. Thanks so much, Kala! I am glad that the post connected with you. It is an interesting topic to debate because there just is no right answer.
Great post and I agree with you … I feel respect for each other is very important in a relationship. Of course love is imp but respect is equally imp. It really doesn’t matter whether its love or arranged marriage …
And all the best !!!!
So true TTT!
I appreciate your idea of arranged marriage. In foreign countries, it is a pain int the ass hanging around clubs and approaching random women just to find a wife (especially if you are not parting type) when you have not naturally fallen in love with someone at college or work place.
Thank you, TF! I think we have arrived at a winner formula in our country where the pressure is not to go around hunting for partners as you rightly mentioned.
Well written Rachna… I agree where you implied that if two people are adults, they have the right to make such decisions themselves!
Perfect and to the point..gr88 post..voted..All the best for the contest..:)
here is my take
http://dare-to-think-beyond-horizon.blogspot.in/2012/08/5-artists-one-topic-love-marriage-vs.html